I spent a good part of my lifetime not knowing what I really wanted to do.

Everything seems to ignite the "passion" inside me until it wasn't.

Everything I did seems to be void of meaning, but what's the other options besides working your ass off all the time ?

There's nowhere but forward. Sitting 8+ hours in front of the computer like my livelihood depends on this computer.

Keeping trying one plan after the next, even though I was near exhaustion. But the enthusiasm towards having a fulfilling life still kept me up somehow.

Even now, I'm working on a handful of projects which took up a large portion of my day, and decidedly most of those "projects" are the building steps towards landing my first real job.

The real job was certainly a good fit than the other previous jobs that I took, and to this day it still amazes me how hard it is to actually get a decent job.

Let me tell you why.

My first interview went awry

I believed my first interview was a year ago, when I was still a college student awaiting graduation.

Being someone who is still very lost at life, and in fact, most of my life. I had developed web apps and websites more than a year, but I struggled greatly at finding internships and freelance opportunities.

As if I've struck on a chest of gold, the web app, which I very often frequented, was hiring someone who could write science content for them.

What's better is that there were relocation opportunities to Europe if I was skilled enough. Or at least if I had the courage and the eagerness to explore the world.

Without further ado, I pretty much spent the entire day filling out the application form, wrote both the CV ( aka. resume ) and the cover letter. To me back then, it was a ticket to opportunities I never knew existed.

Even though the interview went well, my naive optimism got crushed when the company decided not to move on with me. The HR left a legendary comment saying that I'm more suited to a more technical field, in other words, web development.

But sadly, I refused to believe in her words, and I was determined to look for another jobs like that.

What I did in my very first job

A little later after I was honorably kicked out of my university, I began drafting one plan after the next, looking for inspirations to make side income.

Even if I did everything right, there's no freelance clients to be seen. I tried everything and did anything, but sadly nothing's happening.

It was a big reality check for me. I might be biased, prejudiced or discriminated against by them. Or simply the fact that I don't look professional enough.

I felt sorry for myself most of the time, not having a clue how I ended up like this. Is there anything wrong with me ? Or is it my parents' fault that I became such an unemployable social reject ?

The brooding season seems to extend into eternity. There were infinite ways to pick out flaws from who I am and what I do.

But instead I got a surprise LinkedIn invitation from a company that I didn't know existed.

I was so used to rejection that I struggled to hope for a job offer. But turns out it did. Even though I had absolutely no clue about the work environment, but nevertheless it was a first step towards becoming something.

The workload was relatively light for the salary I receive, but...it irks me just how redundant the job is.

Sure, it's a stable job, but the salary was nowhere great, and you do pretty much the same thing months after probation.

Most painfully it didn't equip you with the skills that benefit you in the long run, the skills that gives you opportunities to work on better things.

I know for sure this is a spiritual rant that a lot of people can't afford to give. I'm grateful, in fact, I really do want to keep this job.

But the instability didn't allow me to go the way I planned.

There had been some form of skepticism around my work ethic, as well as my commitment to that company. Those tough conversations over Google Meet became more of a routine.

Until one day, I was "honorably discharged" from the company, leaving me scrambling to find my next job.

I was saddened by the company's decision, but at the same time I was elated. Finally I could pursue something that is truly mine.

Managing competing desires and priorities

Even when I was staying in my first job, I still don't have a clue if the side projects I'm working on are worth my time.

During the months at the company, I tried promoting my passion projects, working on another passion project, and still they don't work out at all.

I still wasn't realistic enough with my life plans. But what I actually did well is that I focused more and more on my programming skills - the skill that is surprisingly highly regarded during this day and age.

And the only skill that I mastered during my college years.

And I've been focusing on it ever since. Worked tirelessly on certificates and polishing my portfolio website.

After another round of trial and error, I finally landed some job interviews after applying to dozen companies. Before that I probably have looked through hundreds of job postings.

But it doesn't mean that it's gonna be easier. Well, a bit easier I should say.

The first interview was for an internship that was unpaid and lasts for 3 months. But the second one was a full time junior front end developer position for real.

I felt the most hopeful for the second one, so I hoped I can impress them anyway. And the HR who does the interviewing kind of liked me.

It's gonna be a few days left until there's a verdict on going for the next interview, which is gonna be a technical one.

Wish me luck as I keep posting more saucy content about my evolution. From a guy with no experience to being able to travel abroad for better opportunities.