Dating humbled me in many ways

If you're like me, you're probably tired of being single, especially when you've never dated anyone before.

After all those years...

The yearning to be coupled and connected with someone special never really left, no matter how comfortable I am living in solitude, how patient I am dragging myself through the tedium of routines, all in the face of absurdity where life works in the most mysterious of ways.

It took years of courage, patience and negative feelings to put together my first date, and now I'm slowly coming to terms with one rejection after the next.

Regardless of how long you two have been courting each other, statistics say that you ( as a male ) will have 14% chance that the woman will reciprocate your feelings, and it takes at least 30 attempts to guarantee dating success ( the probability shoots up to 98% from the measly 14% ).

And needlessly to say, even if the statistics appears to underestimate the odds, I'd be hard pressed to meet even half of that number, given the fact that:

• I work in a place where a majority of coworkers is committed to a relationship/marriage

• During college years I isolated myself so much from society that I virtually removed myself from most of the situations where I can develop robust relationships ( and yes, even platonic ones ).

• My family's zeal for racial purity caused me to sabotage advances from girls.

• I don't like using dating apps

A silent, indifferent world where I live

Also, because you can't control whether the other side likes you or not, and you shouldn't spend too much effort trying to salvage it anyways.

Understandably, I threw long pity parties every night. Cursing my family for what they've done to me. Regretting over poorly made decisions in the past. Crying over my inability to stand up for myself.

I was painfully aware that, without a strong social network and robust friendships, I'll be more susceptible to a myriad of mental illnesses - from loneliness to depression.

The lack of connection and support from people other than my parents also cripples my emotional strength. It only took a few heated arguments to wear me down completely. Also, I'd get paralyzed mentally whenever someone's starting to win the argument. And predictably so I am always beaten to submission.

So I sucked at managing the dynamics of relationships.

However bad the situation is, I strived to overcome my overthinking mind, the ever so pervasive tendency to feel sorry for myself.

I told myself, that I have value, and with that I can earn back what I didn't have. And I can achieve it without having to depend on your boo.

And so, without further ado, here's what I'm gonna do.

Developing robust friendships

Developing friendships is a whole work in and of itself. Because it's not gonna develop by itself. But yet I was taught to believe that good friendships have to manifest spontaneously and naturally.

It's perhaps safe to assume we Asians all have been ingrained to believe in this strange hierarchy of people we should commit ourselves to.

Friendships are second to romantic relationships and romantic relationships are second to family relationships. And last but not least, the relationship with ourselves actually takes the cake. In other words, friendship is very likely our first casualty when we prioritize careers and higher level relationships.

But what if your family abused you ? And that your romantic relationship became routine ? What if you can't help but talking to yourself in distress ?

If maintaining friendship is so vital to our wellbeing, then why aren't we packed with friends already ?

The only thing that would make sense to me, is that, instead of waiting others to look for you, reach out to those you care. Just like investments, what you get back is what you put in.

Not wanting to appear as needy and annoying, I'm considering joining clubs and attend social events. While the latter is easy to spot, are underground and aren't accepting new members easily. In fact, my hobbies are either too specific to find like minded people or too generic to feel belonged.

It's easier said than done, but it's easier done than just guess.

Being your own best friend

Probably it's the same thing I've been telling myself over and over. To make peace with solitude and the tranquility that comes with it.

And through this tranquility you'd enter a state of contentment and peace with who you are and what you are, free from judgment coming from the world outside.

Through this date with yourself, you'll learn to appreciate the things that make you you.

For me, my ideal solo date is to loiter around the campfire, in some random alpine forest covered in snow.

Apart from the rugged beauty of the wintry scene, it symbolizes the ever so pristine yet indifferent environment I live in.

Nothing really appears to be in my grasp, except from the warmth I can give to myself. Only after the long winter is when I will bloom again with colorful petals in full extension.

Like late bloomers, I may not be the kind of guy others will find attractive, nor that I will expect myself to realize my full potential on a short notice.

With grit, persistence and faith, there's a chance I can overcome this absurdity and grow from it. Stronger.

Even though my worst fear is seeing the world moving on without me, ironically by basking yourself in the silent backdrop you feel less lonely.

Because admittedly, according to the words of Ocean Vuong, loneliness is time still spent with the world.

Appreciating the simple things

How heartwarming it is to know that there are loads of things to live for.

Your life, if not being dictated by society, is never about chasing after someone or having a nice job to brag around friends.

I guess the biggest takeaway from my predicament is that you gotta appreciate the little things that come by.

The engine noises from cars driving afar.

The breezy crisp air blowing through the window after a shower.

The clicky feel of the keyboard as I'm typing out the article.

Goals and milestones are noble pursuits - don't get me wrong - my biggest goal in life to be able to be a part of something bigger - be it a project, a charity or a book club. And to be among its founders.

My metric of success in life, for me, is not putting everything on the line for those life milestones that society expects me to reach.

It is to feel content with how things are to some extent. And not to hyperfocus on things you don't have.

No amount of anxiety and overthinking can change the fact that, life always moves us forward somehow, and it will surprise us in the most unexpected of ways.

External references

https://www.cnet.com/pictures/best-dating-apps/