If they could talk

There are a lot of non-living or inanimate things that if they could talk would be quite interesting if not embarrassing. So when I saw the topic on hive about the inanimate things that could talk, my mind whirled to one particular object. Imagine if the sofa in your sitting room could talk. Perhaps that wouldn't be embarrassing or anything as it is in your house and under your supervision.

So I decided to share it with you guys here, and here it goes...

We all know what chairs are and the functions they perform. Without chairs we'd still be living like in the stone age when people sat on the floor to eat, converse or even attend meetings. Without chairs we'd be entertaining guests and visitors sitting on the floor. So trust me when I say that chairs see a lot of shit, literally.

But what about the ones at the diners, the restaurants or even at a friend's place? These chairs are usually the subject of our oppression as we normally leave our whole weight on it without any remorse. Yeah, me too, right now I'm sitting on one. And I'm imagining right now what it would have to say about me right now or even the lot of people who's arse it had seen.

The ones with rashes, the ones that fart incessantly, the ones with dirty undies, and even the ones with body odour. Imagine being in a crowd and someone releases unwanted gas into the environment and the chair is the first to sniff and shout about it.

"ah, oga you don do this one o" while it it bounces its struts to discomfort the person.

Or perhaps when someone who's oversized or overweight sits on it, making its legs quirk beneath. I can imagine it screaming

"get your fat arse off my face right now"

That way, it would save a lot of chairs from breaking point as they would be able to pick and choose who keeps them company and scream of the weight that's too much for them. It would be able to bite off anyone who man or even "womanhandles" it.

Imagine it embarrassing you in front of everyone in a public space just because you had not have your bath or perhaps because your underwear is torn or perhaps you have body odour and the chair starts vomiting everything in front of total strangers and put you in a quite uncomfortable and unwelcome spot.

"damn, when last did you change your panties? Are you contesting for miss dirty?"

"oh shirt, you need to go wash your ass, I don't think the tissue did a good enough job"

"damn man, you smell like shit, did you just come out of the toilet?"

"hey stop there bro, where'd you want to put that overload on? Definitely not on me"

"you need to treat this infection man, and stop scratching shit on me"

Or perhaps they could whisper

"I gave you that bedbug, but it was from Pete"

If chair's could get an opportunity to speak, I believe that they'd have some of the best stories to tell from the functions they perform. I for one would really love to see and experience such a day when a chair would entertain us with some of their best and worst experiences.

Images from unsplash.com

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