The Fight to be Okay

I had been in a freak accident and had spent about a month in the hospital. I spent time there not because of the treatment of my wounds but because I had been diagnosed of COVID-19. You don't know how frustrating that was. I had stitches in my head, multiple wounds, and a broken shoulder but I was confined there with no orthopedic doctor coming.

The pain was almost unbearable.

I couldn't sleep because of the pain. All I could do is stay awake and savor the sensations. Tears just come without me meaning it to. There were pain relievers but it didn't help much.

But I did get out. We were recommended to go through surgery to fix my broken shoulder but I refused. I can't stand the thought of more dextrose and medications. So now, I'm home but with a broken shoulder and depression.

Everything is so different now.

I'm trying to be okay. I'm trying to busy myself with things that I can do. But there are days I'm losing the desire to do anything and it is scaring me.

Depression is something you can't just will to go away. Fighting it makes you dead tired. But what can you do other than fight it? At least there's something that I can somehow do about it.

I know talking about it to others can somehow make it a bit bearable. I know that. But that's all that is. I just know. I don't have the strength to do it.

It's funny and a bit scary to me when I realized that I'm in a point where I don't want to be checked on and be listened to and be understood. I just want to exist and be confined in my own world. Talking and sharing is tiring and most times in my opinion, useless.

There are things I want to share. I usually just spurt it out. Now I don't. I want to but I don't.. even in writing.

Writing has always been my outlet and now it's scaring me that I don't want to write anymore. I think anything that I write is unsound, shabby. But writing was my joy. It had always been.

I want to be okay.

But how to be okay? Where do I start? Where do I get the energy to start? Even crying is tiring and I don't want to cry.

How does one live when one feels nothing anymore... like a hollow shell. How does one get filled with life again? How do I start? Where do I go?

Even asking for help from God is tiring.

I think it won't come. I'm just here. I'm alone.. trapped in this sunless box.

But it reminds me of a story from the Chronicles of Narnia and the Silver Chair. Maybe it's an illusion just like how Eustace and his friends are disillusioned by the Underland queen that there is no sunlight and no other world except the Underland. They are about to forget. But one of his friends reasoned that even if it is indeed their illusion that there is a sun and a different world, it's much better to hope in it than to stay in the darkness of the Underland. By holding on to that slipping, faint memory of the sun, they overcame. They made it out of there.

I'm tired but I must keep on fighting. I know there's something more. Life is so much more than just existing.

I know I'm being disillusioned by my mind that there is no help coming from God but I know there is. I'm trying to forget because of the lies I had been feeding myself but I want to hope in Him. Again. There's no other person on whom I can draw out the strength I need.

I can be happy again. I can be okay again. I'm still alive because the Lord still wants me to live. And I'm hoping in His wisdom and in His purpose as to why I still need to live even when I feel that I have no reason to anymore.