The Woman That She Was

Brace yourselves, for this is not a typical article about a mother.

Well, I must say that my mother is not a perfect one but she does what she can do. And she is doing it for about two decades now. Sometimes I'd like to think that whatever she is now, whatever she does, was somehow because of her upbringing.

Yes, Mother's Day has passed but I just thought maybe it's time to pour out some of my deep-rooted feelings about her.

My mother grew up with her dad because it seemed like my grandma was not ready yet for the responsibilities that come with having a child. And my mom would always tell us stories about her childhood, her past adventures, and how was living with her hard-working father. Though I never got the chance to see my grandfather, I knew he was such a great person.

They lived in a humble nipa hut in the woods where they have cattle, poultry, and goats that she would chase every afternoon to feed. That is why I'm very thrilled whenever I watch Heidi because I can visually see the farm life they had back then. And I also remember her stories about "Aswang", "Manananggal", "Sigbin" and "Santelmo". They were some of the creatures from Philippine folklore.

I just finished reading the article; The Great Story Teller that inspired me to do this one.

My mother and I have been in a silent love-hate relationship for ages, "silent" because we really don't talk about it. And I guess that's the reason why I'm writing this article. I want to write formally about the things I'm keeping in my heart that it is becoming heavy already.

If you are still reading then it means either you don't have anything to read or you're just passing time or maybe you see yourself in me too? I just want to engage, so that I'll have comments to read after some time.

What made me write this one is a scene that I suddenly remembered. It was the time when my mother asked me about my pregnancy. Before that happened I was kind of a rebel, not in the pierce-and-tattoo-with-black-eyeliner kind but the kind where I would spend most of my time with friends. Not the alcoholic type of friends nor the junkie types but those normal people who just understand you the way your parents could not. And I got pregnant at the age of 19, well that's nothing to be proud of. I've had my fair share of regrets.

So at the scene, I was already 3 months gestating and that night I was frying some hotdogs when my mom entered the kitchen and asked me. "Are you pregnant?" classic mother's line. I don't know what to say, so I started to cry and I think that was the cue for her to cry too. That was the sign that her intuition was true. It felt like some stone was removed on top of my heart, but that was just the tip because we still need to tell my father, who at that time was working overseas. So imagine the intensity of the situation.

But that was still not the highlight of the scene that suddenly crossed my mind. After all the crying I can barely remember, but I think she went straight to my ninang (godmother), and came with her back home. The moment my ninang entered our house, she saw me still crying and walked towards me and gave me the comforting hug that says "You're not alone in this journey". Right at that moment, I got a bit confused, disappointed but mostly sad. How could my mother not give me that hug? How could she be so heartless?

But I shrugged off those thoughts because I told myself that it was mainly my fault. They've given me all the proper things I need in growing up, mostly materials but given all the circumstances those were just trivial.

I gave it days and weeks which turned to months, I thought she will eventually hug me and make me feel that I'm not alone. But I guess I was just expecting too much of her. Right now I'm thinking maybe that wasn't really just the right time for her to give me that hug that I badly need from her.

Regardless of her disciplinary actions towards me when I was younger up until I'm a teenager, she still holds a special place in my heart. I don't know if I'm just scared to disappoint her again by making wrong choices but I really do understand her hardships. My heart hurts whenever she is hurt. Do you know what I mean? I can tell a lot of not really nice things about her but I guess I love her enough to just keep it in myself.

Because no matter what, I still acknowledge her sacrifices and hardships while taking care of me and my siblings growing up. I guess I just miss her. And I guess the wound of our family being broken is still far from healing. I guess I'm just taking this opportunity to unload some of the burdens that my heart can't carry anymore. I'm glad that I can still keep myself from those thoughts that might make things just more miserable.

Don't get me wrong, we are very okay nowadays though I think maybe because we're not living together now. But she has changed a bit, positively. She's more open now to listen to us and a bit more open in expressing herself so understanding each other is by far our achievement together. Yay!

Sorry if this took some time from your precious day. But thanks anyway for reading this. I didn't know that these kinds of topics will be my first ones.

Please spread love like how you spread your favorite peanut butter and jelly. ♥

And I would like to thank my very first sponsor @Bjorn May you be blessed with more!