Not Again: Depression

Yesterday was a happy day for us, And it is far from what I thought that something would unexpectedly happen to me.

Two years ago when I was diagnosed with postpartum depression, way back then when I heard something about a person that is stressed or depressed, my conclusion was that they were just being OA, but when I am the one who was suffering from it, I finally realized that it was not easy, that it was hard enough and you could just kill yourself.

I was really suicidal back then, because I already saw my self hanging inside our house, I almost actually did it, and God really don't want me to die because my one year old daughter was crying really hard as if crying for help and our neighbor catch a glimpse of me and run towards me suddenly.

There was a time that I almost got hit by a big truck because I didn't know what I was doing on the road. Our neighbors are calling out my name and that awakes me into the realities.

It hurts for me when I remember all of those because one time, I was so annoyed that my baby was always crying, Sophia was just one year old back then, and because I was so annoyed I didn't notice that I put her in the drum that was full of water and then I walked away. Thank God because my mother in law came and saved her from death.

I am not a bad mother, it is natural only for me to get angry by words but I never wanted to hurt my daughter physically.

And I never wanted that to happen again.

Yesterday as I have written at my blog Planned but Unplanned, I was so happy our family was so happy but suddenly unexpected things happened to me.

I couldn't explain what I really felt back then because I was not on my normal self, for no reason I suddenly became mad as I broke our back door, It was not totally broken but I messed it out.

I can't breathe because I was so really angry and I messed all of our clothes in the next room, As I scattered all of it on the floor.

I don't know where that madness came from that I made this mess. 

I end up searching what are the symptoms of stress and depression.

WHAT ARE THE DIFFERENCES OF STRESS AND DEPRESSION? 

STRESS: 

Stress describes a person's physical or emotional response to the demands or pressures of daily life. Common causes of stress include work, money, relationships and illness.

DEPRESSION:

Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems.

Source : Google.com

Hopefully this is not the one that I am afraid of. I don't want to feel that way again.

I don’t want to get to the point where I can hurt my child or even myself again.

Thank You to my best friend because she really comforted me and kept saying that prayer is the best armor.

Date published : February 1, 2022