The abuse does not happen suddenly, but begins with incidents. the ones you don't give importance and that it is better to stop in time.
You meet someone you like and who likes you, you have a great time together and you end up forming a couple. Hormones do their job and you enjoy that feeling of fullness that only endorphins can give you: the world is a wonderful place where you float, and when you look at that man you see only positive things. However, you gradually take ground and see other details that you do not like so much. It is natural and healthy that it be so.
We go from being in love with the image that we have made of that person to real love towards a being of flesh and bone, with his defects and virtues. If the balance compensates us, we move on with the relationship; and if not, we will find a solution or say goodbye.
But as soon as we look around we will realize that, in practice, relationships can take other harmful forms that have not just been ended. The most serious cases, with fatalities, end up being the cause of sad and increasingly frequent news in the newspapers.
When something breaks.
But let's go back to understand better how something like this can come about. You have met a wonderful person, with whom you feel like and desired. But one fine day, something breaks for a moment so much happiness, when we are caught by surprise an insult, an inconsiderate treatment, a more or less veiled prohibition ("'I don't like you wearing that short skirt, for example). Something, in short, you feel like an unfair wound.
Anyone has a bad day
Instead of acting on it, we can ignore the evidence of our discomfort or excuse the other in a thousand ways ("He's under a lot of pressure", "He had a bad day", etc.), for fear of being left alone (that is, deep down, fear of not being loved). But then it happens again, perhaps the next day or a week later. And once again we let it pass, closing our eyes to the evidence that enduring such treatment undermines us.
Childhood habits
It's easy to get into that dynamic when we were not treated with respect in our childhood. How are we going to identify something as harmful when it was our daily bread?
As children we feel that the treatment we receive is what we deserve, and as adults we assume without realizing that this treatment (good or bad) is normal. If we were despised and devalued, the ground for abuse (physical and / or psychological) is paid, unless we do a work of conscience to be able to change it.
In this framework, it is very easy to fall into resignation, and thus inconsiderate behaviors will increase in intensity and frequency. An unsolved problem is like a snowball downhill: it can only grow or burst. We thus enter a spiral from which it is increasingly difficult to get out: our self-esteem suffers, and we increasingly try to excuse that person, "because deep down he does it without meaning to."
Better the good to know
Does that mean that all the bad answers, insults or blackmail will end up on the front page of the newspapers? Not much less. What it means is that there are many degrees of abuse, that all are harmful and that even the most serious is the product of an escalation of violence, subtle at first but not recognized and / or resolved. Does it mean then that at the first discussion, misunderstanding or rudeness we meet, we have to pack our bags and go out the door? Neither. It means that, above all, we have to respect so that they respect us. And that means saying what we think and what we feel, and finding a solution for what hurts us.
If you are currently not compensated to be with your partner, but you think that "it is better known bad ..., you may be chaining yourself. Sometimes for fear of living, we just survive. And other times not even that.
Don't expect a miracle to happen
Relationships are a way to grow, to enjoy and to support each other. From a health point of view, the options are clear: we should go ahead with what feeds us and abandon what harms us (and it is not only applicable to relationships). The first time someone disrespects us, we can say that it is their responsibility, but if that is repeated, it is also our responsibility.
Before ending a relationship it is, of course, advisable to try to solve the problems that appear (especially not to run into the same situation in the next relationship). Sometimes verbalizing what is annoying is enough to resolve the issue; others require partner agreements and commitments. The solution of the problems, in any case, requires the involvement of both. It can also be helpful to seek outside help. What does not work is trying to change the other or waiting for a miracle to happen. To truly love means to accept the other as they are.
If, despite our attempts and good intentions, the situation does not change, the healthiest thing to do is to end that relationship, celebrate the experience and appreciate the learning, which will help us next time.
There are excuses that make us go easily from victim to savior. However there are a couple of important issues that we should not forget for the world.
You cannot help someone who does not want to be helped.
