Couple life.Handbook to discuss (EN)
Nothing better for not arguing than not wanting to. But since arguments are sometimes unavoidable, it is better to always have a series of rules at hand to prevent them from turning into battles.
When a couple makes the typical comment we never fight, we understand each other perfectly, it usually sounds like a locked cat. Is there really a couple that never argues, that at no time has raised their voice, even a little?
Arguing is the most normal thing in the world and, if you know how to do it, it can be beneficial to keep life together at a good level. It is positive for several reasons. Firstly, because it indicates that we are important to our partner, that we are not indifferent and, furthermore, because by arguing we not only learn to solve problems but also to reach agreements in order to live better and get to know our partner better.
Discuss civilly
Those who try to avoid arguments for not creating the catastrophe of the century do not realize that accumulated anger can cause much more damage than a simple storm. We must convince ourselves that arguing is good, but we must do it without violence, without aggressiveness and in a civilized way. And, as strange as it may seem, doing it correctly requires a lot of love and care from both parties.
They should always tell each other what they like, but also what they dislike, because the couple does not have to be a fortune teller.
And do it without, in any way, showing ourselves fussy, with total naturalness, without trying to motivate the annoyance in the person with whom you are arguing.
To learn to argue you must take into account these points:
Forget the yelling and insults. Grandma's old trick still works: If you think you're going to lose your temper, count to ten before responding, and do so in a non-accusatory tone of voice.
Be opportune. Choosing the right moment to discuss is very important. Don't do it when friends are at home or at dinner with the whole family. If necessary, delay the discussion for a better occasion.
Don't get hurt. Don't put your finger on the partner's sore spot and don't play low blows; in reality what they want is to argue, not to hurt.
Don't talk about the past. Do not remove what happened long ago, and focus on the present if you want to make decisions that allow you to improve the future. Generally, when references to the past are made, it is to emphasize negative aspects or to make hateful comparisons (when we were dating you did listen to me...", or "the other day you told me you would, don't deny it...).
Listen. As difficult as it may be sometimes, bite your tongue while your partner is talking. It is very common for what started as a dialogue to become a contest to see who keeps the floor the longest. Do you want to do me the favor of letting me speak) To be heard you have to know how to listen, and knowing how to listen and not interrupt is the basis of good communication.
No to threats. Repeatedly saying that they want a divorce or that they are going to leave home can, in the long run, become phrases that no one will believe.
Be precise. During the discussion try to say things as clearly as possible. Be specific and avoid vague comments, as the Tabares do get along; you should learn from them..." With this phrase nothing is said, only an odious comparison has been made, which will sit very badly.
Also, discuss one problem at a time, and don't get bogged down in a string of stored reproaches.
Give alternatives. Express not only what the partner is doing wrong, but also how you would like to see it change.
Want to annoy.
Discussions are not always motivated by important issues; sometimes they are simply due to wanting to annoy, and during them we can become truly unpleasant people.
If it is important for you that the couple feel comfortable and happy, what is the point of repeatedly mentioning that you love tall, blond men, if he is short and dark? Or why insist that it is a pity that he has a nose? so big?In moments of tension we can do a lot of damage. Perhaps we say things that we feel in those moments, but that outside of that context are not true, and it is very possible that we fall into injustice or exaggeration. If so, rectify and be honest.
Learn to apologize.
To solve many issues it is highly recommended, and sometimes necessary, to ask for forgiveness. And for this you do not have to kneel or sink into a valley of tears; just lower your pride a bit and say "I was wrong or Be patient, I know I'm a little stubborn, but I was angry".
Of course, the person who receives the apology does not have to take advantage of the occasion to insist on the problem. Don't give answers like Yes, yes... I know that story; sorry but I'm always the one who puts up... It's better if they answer: Well, I accept your apologies. I actually think we've both gone a little too far.
Remember that making mistakes is human, but correcting is for real sages. All couples argue. To make it profitable.
