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Muses of the friend i lost

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1 year ago

There's a long painfull story that prefaces this witch i might write out on a later date...

My best friend got paralised before his 18th birthday, losing control of most of his body (he still had some control of his arms,head,neck and decreased control of his hands) and being screwed over and taken advantage of on every turn, having almost no people he could rely on apart from mostly me (and sometimes K&S) and his parents (who'd mostly cause fights on each visit).

After approx 12 years of struggling with paralysis, uncontrollable muscle spasms, intense daily pain, the inability to sleep for days on-end, various other issues, the inability to leave his home or even his bed for the last few years and above all the intense crippling loneliness, he didn't have the energy anymore to keep on going and eventually opted to be euthanised. I'm glad he had this option, i wouldn't have lasted this long if i was in his position, i can honestly say he was a much stronger person than i'll ever be.

And all he ever was to me was friendly and thankfull for standing by his side for all those years. And while i sit here crying fulfilling one of my last promises to him, going through his data dump, before cleaning up his laptop & phone to hand to his parents. I thought some of his random notes& muses deserved sharing with the world.

28-01-2019

Have you ever had the feeling of being so God damn alone?
Never had the chance to tell a girl, I’m glad you came home..
Have a conversation about how her day went by..
Listen to her feelings, and even let her cry..

No!!
Right at the moment, when it’s “family time”..
I’m the one who’s lonely..
So my mixed up thoughts, I hear them in a rhyme..
Put them in the right order, and set down a

13-02-2019

Ever since I was a little kid, I had these frightening dreams..
Like I was trapped in some kind of straitjacket or some kind of shit!

Waking up!
All out of breath..
Strangled up into my blankets, like I was choking too death!

15-05-2019

Inside my head, wanna know what’s playin’ in my head?
It’s like a slideshow of bad memories..
Which I wish I could take away and shred..
These images are so hard to forget..
They make my eyes sting and don’t want to wait anymore for what time will bring..
They're engraved in my mind..
Like an encrypted file on a hard disk drive..
Every time I think of one, it penetrates my heart like a knife..
Can’t remember the password, which is needed to erase, that traumatic feeling..
That sad expression I have on my face..
When I’m so Goddamn alone, I am starin’ out the window..
Layin’ here thinkin’ about what could have been goin’ on..
While I puff a J filled with haze, think about the time that I could do what I want..

Yeah! Those were them good’ol’dayz.
Don’t tell me what’s inside my head, inside my head, inside.. my head..
Don’t tell me what’s in my head..
Inside my head..
Stay outta my head..

17-05-19

Mornin’ grind.
Every single day it affects my troubled mind.
Sometimes wanna quit and leave all Goddamn shit behind.
But I’m struggling to get forward.
Every single thing I do, seems to take another twist that backfires on me.

30-06-2019

Bad luck is what I have to deal with every day, every moment of my life
Even if there is the slightest sparkle of light in my darkness, it will certainly be taken away.

Like in the summer of ‘08, I was betrayed by someone I trusted.
He stabbed me in the back, but forgot to pull out the blade.
I can still feel it stinging.

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