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The Social Justice Hash Function

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5 months ago

Today, I am going to teach you about the Social Justice Hash Function. A hash function is something that takes input(s), applies a mathematical transformation, and spits out an output, or digest. The SJHF is a specific type of hash function which takes any social stimuli (a poster, a gesture, or an idiotic remark) and generates a particular kind of output (“You know, sitting with your legs like that just reinforces men’s dominance in society”). While the number of inputs is theoretically infinite, the hash function produces fixed digests – the output can only be so many things.

The SJHF is used to generate a currency called Woke Bucks™. People who run the SJHF software mint Woke Bucks through something called a Proof of Work consensus protocol. The way it works is that everyone running the SJHF software is competing to produce the next output with the hash function. Say the input is some actor’s Golden Globes acceptance speech. Everyone scrambles to generate the hash function’s output. Someone generates the output “His acceptance speech was transphobic.” For this work, they get their Woke Bucks and set the precedent for the next round of computations.

Because the output value of the SJHF is fixed, there is only a finite number of Woke Bucks that can be minted. I predict that the last Woke Buck will be minted within the next 10 years. By that time, just about all social stimuli will be processed through it and just about every woke utterance than can be made will be made.

There is another currency called TrumpCoin, which is a reaction to the Woke Buck and uses a similar kind of algorithmic transformation of social stimuli; however, the average IQ of those running TrumpCoin’s hash function is lower than those running SJHF, making its utterances less computationally interesting.

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