As adults we know that while the child eats something sweet it does not bother us ... but consumption does not replace the affective bond that we can have with the child. One sign that the child feels that you love him is that you stop to look through his eyes at the beauty in the world.
It is not always easy to bond and spend many hours alone with young children. That is why we sometimes turn moments of being together into moments of shared consumption. The purchase of the product that is operates as a mediator in the relationship between them and us. The mediator can be television, computer, electronic games, going to the mall or seeing a show. These activities can be wonderful and necessary in and of themselves. But it is convenient to reflect on how we adults use them to alleviate the difficulty posed by the relationship with the child, that is, permanence, gaze, play and emotional availability.
Fleeting objects of desire
When a child asks us for time to play, or a look so that we can become ecstatic before a discovery that he has made in his daily exploration, or he asks us for our presence to stay by his side or that we stop for a moment so that he can pick up a stone from the ground ... sometimes we respond - because we are in a hurry offering him a treat, a promise or a toy. The child thus learns to satisfy her needs for contact through objects, and often through foods with sugar. We adults know that while a child eats something sweet, it does not bother.
And to the extent that he is bewitched by television, he does not bother either. If he learns to play with the computer, it is even less annoying. And if we need to go out in the company of him, as long as we buy him something, whatever it is, he will be calm and allow us to finish our personal business while the fleeting joy for the new toy lasts.
Displace needs
Children learn that it is easier to obtain an object or treat (usually very sweet or very salty) and thus shift their needs for contact and dialogue towards incorporating substances that are instantly filling. They have the false feeling of being satisfied, even though it lasts as long as a chocolate lasts. That is why children will ask-or bother again, in the eyes of adults and in the best of cases they will again receive something that is bought, with the due disqualification of their parents for being too demanding or lacking limits.
It is a model that they repeat ad nauseam, because it works: they believe they need permanent stimulation, permanent consumption and quick satisfaction.
By now, children have forgotten what they really needed from their parents. They no longer remember that they wanted affection, attention, pampering or loving words.
And it is that we bond with the child only to the extent that there is something to do and, if possible, something to buy or eat. And if the child can be born that alone, without the need for our presence, even better.
The fact is that we, the parents, also consume to calm our anxiety and our confusion about not knowing what to do with a small child at home. We just look at each other on a Sunday in any mall, in any globalized city.
Stay with them
This dynamic of immediate satisfaction in the absence of more affective presence, subjects children to a whirlwind of activities, rush, overlapping schedules and stress, which leaves us all even more alone. In this way, we hide the opportunity to learn to dialogue, we completely forget about internal tenses and we ignore our subtle biological compass.
What can we do?
If necessary, we can find good company to stay with the children at home, without so much noise or stimulation. Protected by other adults, it will be possible for us to spend more time with the children, simply by observing them. It is not essential to play with them. If they cannot be creative by taking advantage of our presence, it will be enough to bring them a proposal, some colored pencils, cook together, rummage through photos of the past ... Anyway, anything simple will serve as a tool to nurture the bond. And children are generally happy to accept.
A bit of "just because"
When we are on the street with the children, we can put the brakes on and realize that nothing happens if we take more time to solve the paperwork. In this way, each outing can become a walk for the children and a fulfilling moment for us. If we are able to stop in front of a shop window that catches their attention, if a person greets them and we take the time to smile at them, or if we sit for a little while on the sidewalk because yes, because an ant passed, something will have changed internal experience of children. Those five minutes of attention mean for them the knowledge that we care about them and that we appreciate that life is beautiful from where they look at it. We tell them that there is nothing more important than looking at them and we delight in the vitality and joy they display, and that we love them with all our hearts.
All the dedication and time available that we do not give them will fill them with substitutes, and then they will believe that without those substances or objects they cannot live. The reality is that we cannot live without love.
Everything else matters little
As adults we buy and consume so as not to get distressed and that is so incorporated into our lives that we do the same with children, we believe that consuming sweets, food or entertainment is equivalent to relating to our children. While it is true, shopping is easier but certainly not more effective than observing our children, stopping, being available and being generous with them.
