I want to die cuz I don't wanna live like this

Ever since I was a child I have been a very good son to my father. What I mean by very good is I will always follow what he says.

When he wants me to do the dishes.

When he please me to buy a cigarette for him.

When he say I'll just stay in our house because he will play tong-its.

All of that and other things he want.

And as I grow older and older my father is getting harsh on me. One wrong move and I get scolded by him. Everything I do which can be good to me is against to him. Sometimes I just think that does my father really love me? Or he hated me? There are questions in my mind that is unanswered and I will try to answer it after this paragraph. It is so embarrassing and so sad knowing that your father doesn't support you on the things you want and on what things you want to do. Like sana pinutok nalang ako sa kumot.

So now let me ask you, do you have a father like me? If yes do you have an unanswered questions in your mind? Here is mine:

Why my father is being like this?

Is it hard for him to support his son?

Why they raised me if he treated me like this?

For me, maybe why my father is being like that is because he hates me and I'm sorry for him because they raised a very useless son. Maybe I failed as a son for him that is why he can't even give or show some small amount of support. I'm always been good, I try my best in school, I passed all the subjects and completed my elementary, high school and senior high school.

I'm trying so damn hard just to make him proud but that's not enough. I thought it will make his mind change but I failed it wasn't. He didn't even notice my sacrifices and efforts just to make him proud. My best wasn't always good enough for him. At the end of the day he still not gonna support me.

To be honest I'm tired of this life. He is always comparing me to our neighbors and saying "Look at them, you should be like them" and when I can't he will going to scold me without knowing I'm doing my best to the be the best son he can never have. Having a harsh father like me is not easy but I have to deal with it and hide what I truly feel.

I love my life but the way I see it now is far different from what life I want to live with. Just because of him I cannot enjoy my life. I'm so full of him that's why I want to die because I don't wanna live my life like this.

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Lead image source: Financial Times

Thank you for reading! Have a good day, stay healthy and safe. God bless!