Having three elder brothers was more like a shield, covering my spinelessness. I was always too lazy to even throw a tantrum. I never played the little boy tricks, I was always quiet, shied out from arguments and spent more time with mom in the kitchen. Whenever we had ‘bullyful’ kids as guests, I was always bullied and shying away, Chuddy, my immediate elder brother always came to my rescue. One particular time, Baba’s employee Mr. Shehu, father of Ahmed my grade 3 classmates, a certified bully visitjed for an end of the year party Baba usually celebrated. The workers usually exchanged gifts and Mr. Shehu really thought I and his son were close friends. Baba also thought the same way too because we always pretend in their presence. Again, Baba really loved Ahmed because he was smart and strong. That faithful day, I had received a gift from him, and I was too skeptical about opening it.
‘c’mon, don’t be a chicken, open it, it’s from my heart.’ Ahmed had said.
I excused myself to our garden to open my gifts. He had snuck up on me, so I knew something was fishy. I then tried to walk away, to call my elder brother, but he stood in my way with this wicked grin.
‘Free me now Ahmed or I’ll…’
No. I was too spineless. I didn’t finish the threat because he shoved me to the ground. I hit my butt hard on it and readied myself for his punch but Chuddy once again, was just one scream away.
Not that I and my brothers were close, Chuddy was 7 years older than I was, Ben was 10 years older, and Olisa, my eldest brother was 12 years older than I was. He lives abroad, we hardly speak. Then my younger brother was just 2 years younger than I was. This only implied that I bonded with Kene more than I bonded with my elder brothers. I had female cousins who once in a while, visited for vacation. They were older than I was, but I preferred their company better than my loud brothers. So that when the boys played video games and football, and chess, I read novels, cooking hand books and fashion tips with my favorite cousin who is now a fashion designer. I enjoyed reading novels. It gave me the leverage of forming my own characters in my head, and I felt for once, the power to make my own decisions about my characters, to do and undo, and no Baba to tell me what my next scene should, or should not be.
At 13, when I got admitted into a secondary school, I hung out with the boys during our spare time. Soon afterwards, I found out that watching football, wrestling and the color blue were all over rated. I low key enjoyed bright colors like pink, yellow, I hated all kind of sports and I loved drawing women’s clothing. When I got to the highest class of the junior category, I was 14, and I started with puberty. I started developing feelings. Strange feelings which were meant to be directed to the opposite sex only were now being reserved for boys. I started commenting on how lovely a ‘he’ looked, or how I loved ‘his’ voice, the way ‘he’ laughed, and I made those comments in passing but something deep down probed my sensitivity. I felt normal by this, but uncomfortable when I started making such comments to the girls. I knew it was typical, and it happened to boys my age, and that when I mature, all those feelings would pass, I still felt dishonest whenever I claimed to like a girl…
To be continued….
@Ozzyy @johnnyhammastix @josh @MarcDeMesel @woosaiy @georgedonnelly @Omar @Hanzell @Leo_kitti @Gwenie @gertu13 please what do ya'll think about it?
He's still at that exploration phase but i do think he eventually did become secretly gay. It's a nice read