Everything that we do, every situation that we are in, and whatever emotions we might been feeling, never forget that God is always with us.
Last year 2020, a year that I will never forget.
A lot of situations teach me various realization and mold me to become a stronger woman, bold individual, and a faithful Christian. There are instances that I am trembling with pain and sadness. My decisions are always wrong and I am being stubborn even I can clearly hear what God wants for me.
I know my responsibility as a person, as a daughter, student, and as a man of God. I should balance all these things but Godly works are the top priorities. Last year, it seems my Christian life become dead. I prioritize my studies and other things for which I know I shouldn't. Studying and caring for myself is definitely important, but as a Christian I should trust everything in the Lord because I know that everything will come into its place if my spirit is well equip with Words of God.
Never underestimate the power of prayer.
If we seek Him, we'll find Him. If we'll listen, we can hear what are His plans for us during a certain situation in our life.
It was February 6,2020 when I felt the most painful thing in my 20 years of existence here on earth.
I lost my dad.
Before he passed away, a lot of struggles have come into play, and I, as one of her daughters need to be a strong player. I have to beat my weakness for him and for the rest of my family.
I was in Legazpi, Albay that time because I am studying there, when my mom called and told me that my father is in the hospital. I asked her about his condition and she said he's been complaining of difficulty of breathing and some of his joints are painful- because of his arthritis. Everyday I asked them how was him, they'll answer that he's okay and a lot of tests must be made. Days after, my mom told me that my dad wants to see me and I should come home. It was Wednesday that time and I still have classes so I told her that I'll come home friday night. Every night, I pray for his recovery. The next day thursday, after my class, I was resting in my boarding house with my friends when I feel the urge to go home. I miss my father so much and him being in a hospital worries me a lot. I suddenly told my friends that I will come home and I will give excuse letter so they can present it to my professor. At first they're confused that I suddenly got the idea of coming home given that the travel time from Albay to CamNorte is 5-6 hours depending on the vehicle and traffic plus the waiting time for the vehicle to get full passengers.
I didn't think twice and packed my things. I arrive at my hometown 11pm the same day. I went straight to the hospital which is just a few meters away from the terminal.
I saw him, sleeping with dextrose and oxygen. My mom wake him up and told him that his youngest daughter is here. I smiled at him but he just opened his eyes and nod. My mom told me that he's been like that since morning just sleeping and merely talks. I tried my best to rest but I found myself crying until I fell asleep.
Friday morning. I talk to him but he didn't answered, he just extended his arm to my lap as if he wants to hug me. I pat his shoulders and sang for him. I can't help my tears because my mom keep on asking him who I am and he can't tell. When we asked him again, he answered name of my eldest sister. When he told me that he has 5 daughters that's when I get satisfied, at least he didn't completely forget about me.
Friday afternoon I went home to fix my dad's clothes because his doctor advised us to move him to another hospital for his dialysis (He was diagnosed with kidney failure few months prior to his hospitalization). We have to travel from CamNorte to CamSur. Dialysis center is available here but it was costly because most dialysis center are private hospitals.
Nearly 11pm the same day when we arrive at the hospital in CamSur. It was cold and only one to two watcher per patient so the rest of us will be staying outside. We rode an ambulance and it's my first time. I saw the worried face of people as soon as we passed.
My dad got admitted. He became weaker, and this experience of mine is true and I didn't mean to say bashful words against the hospital but it's just too evident. Because we don't have money we went to the public hospital, they inserted tube in my dad's nose (NGT i guess but not sure), it's for his food since he's unconscious and just respond to pain. Those interns (like a student doctor) inserted it for him and I can tell that it's too painful and they did it several time because they can't insert it right. He was also intubated because he can't breath on his own.
We spend days at the hospital and since only 1-2 persons are allowed as watcher we switch places and have some sleep. Whoever the watcher of my dad can't fall asleep because we have to continuously pump an ambo bag for his oxygen supply because no machine is available that time. When we switch, we just sleep on the waiting shed outside the hospital because it's a hassle to rent in a hotel. It's expensive and we can't travel faster in case of emergency. Another difficulty that we encountered during that time is my dad can't undergo his dialysis there because of his other disease that requires a machine which is unavailable on that hospital. We have to transfer him from time to time so he can undergo his dialysis. The cost of his medicine is no joke too.
After his first dialysis, his condition became better. He can now raise his hands when we told him to do it. He keep on biting the tube inserted on his mouth and giving us signs to remove it. He also try his best to speak and we often lip read it as "Mama mo?" ("your mom?"), he's looking for my mom.
I thought it'll be the start of his recovery.
But, I was wrong.
The next day, he should undergo another dialysis. Unfortunately it was Sunday and the dialysis center is close, since we are not familiar with the place we don't know other dialysis center that is open on Sundays and with the machine that my dad needs. The hospital didn't recommend us to any dialysis center. His condition became worst again.
He has a low blood pressure the following days so he can't undergo dialysis. Since his kidney is not functioning well, the blood circulating in his body is not clean. He can't move forward.
It was February 5, 2020 when I decided to go back to Legazpi since I have to go to school because I'm already absent for a week. I went to school the next morning and since my friend's parents visited her and they went on a shopping we tagged along since we became close to her parents as well.
February 6, 2020 around 6pm when I received that dad isn't around anymore.
We lost him.
It's painful, if only I can ran from my current place to where he is I will. We are on my friend's car and I was hiding my tears. One of my friend who sits beside me saw the text message and she pat my back and let me hide on her while I cry.
I know I ran away, it hurts me to see him that way so I decided to go back to school, I should've stayed longer since it'll be his last day, last hours.
I went home the next day and my friends came with me. I'm very much thankful how they support and comfort me through and through.
My dad's wake was full of people that really love him. Being a leader for seven years, this will explains why a lot of people attended every day and night. Some will say that my dad is really good at entertaining guests. I can also hear (even before that he's alive) one thing that they also like about dad even they are all drunk, his stories still have sense.
All his siblings also went to our province from manila as soon as they heard the news.
My mom and I went back to Naga City and to that hospital to arrange my dad's death certificate. It's like a torture to me and I know to my mom. Imagine walking the same alley where it felt like it was just yesterday that my dad is still alive taking meds hoping to be healthy again.
It was on February 13, 2020 when we said our final goodbye.
I still prayed and thank God that my dad won't suffer anymore. He'll be resting from all the pain and problems of the world.
~
March 14, 2020
To be continued
____________
I miss my dad so much and I found myself looking back at those times which is painful yet full of lesson.
Well too