The Only Man In My Heart
**How did i meet him.**
December 2018 I will be working in the goldilocks cake factory, I will be assigned to the Icing room. What I do is put Icing on the bread while others design the cake.
There is a lot to do inside the Icing room. Rolls cake, Rush cake, Special cake, all Goldilocks cakes I've eaten hahaha
December 5 2018 i celebrated my Birthday with my friends at work, we ate jollibee and we went to our favorite place in the Mall, we went for a walk while chilling inside, we played quantom of games we all is fun while celebrating my birthday.I am thankful that they are there for me.
December 6 2018 back to work again I used to put icing on the cake, I was surprised when someone suddenly approached me, he said where is the place of the person who designed the cake so what I did was I accompanied him and told my companions that the man was assigned to the one who designed the cake. After I joined him I went back to my place and continued my work, I was happy because I had another new friend to meet, that day the man didn't pay attention even if I talked to him so what I did was I just ignored him and did I just focus on my job, 11:30 am we had a lunch break we were all together, my friends joined me at the table and talked to me while we were eating, the man before he was alone at the table, he looked straight at me, my co -worker suddenly told me who has never been a Girlfriend, so he said he was shy, I was surprised because the man was 22 years old and he had never had a girlfriend. after we had lunchbreak before we went back to production I tried to talk to him, I told him why he was ashamed of me he suddenly left and then he told me that he crushed me. I was surprised with her because I'm not beautiful, so I thought **"Ang Haba naman ng Hair ko"** hahaha Lol .
December 10 2018 our production was 6pm to 6am that night we didn't have OT so the production was only until 2am, my friend thought so we could talk to the guy, while we were out of the company, we went to the marketzone with the guy. the Marketzone is like a bar, They drank alcohol while the man beside to me I was talking to, He admitted to me what he felt he said he loved me, I told him as if the speed loved immediately not Crush? our co -workers suddenly laughed so I just laughed too hahaha😅 mixed with Kilig. As we continued our conversation he introduced me his name was Jerry and then he asked me for a favor to take a picture of the two of us, I said go ahead it's okay with me.
That's our First picture, because of my friends he became my Crush because he's smart to talk to and then I'll be his first Girlfriend.
The next day we didn't have a rest day so I was just resting at home, suddenly someone chatted with me when I thought Jerry greeted me, He said "Good Morning" then at the same time he said that I ate Breakfast don't go hungry. I was thrilled while reading hahaha because it's been 2 years since I last received this message on my cellphone. I replied to him "Good Morning too" thanks for the concern once Heart heart haha char.
then he asked me if he could courted me. My answer to him was yes because he was kind.
December 12 back to work again while I was going to the company I saw a motorcycle with a man on it, as I was approaching I saw Jerry so I saw he was carrying BLUE MAGIC and PENSHOPPE when I approached him he told me Hi, then he reached out he brought me the Blue magic and penshoppe, I didn't immediately accept he asked me first if it was really for me then he told me He gave it to me, I said in my mind I was lucky because I was given a gift right away, while it was still a long time christmas hahaha .
Eventually I accepted what he gave me, we went in with him to work again. 6am we went out
He accompanied me out of the company so I had time to say thank you to him while my eyes were blinking hahaha. When I got home I immediately opened the Blue Magic he gave me when I thought I was a pig stuffed toys because I was beautiful because it was Pink, So I did it before I went to sleep so I hugged the pig, I gave it a name, I named it Penelope .
3:30 pm my cell phone alarmed it was time for me to get out of bed, I washed my face before I cooked the dish I was going to eat, the dish I cooked was just quick to cook
**"HOT DOG" tender na Juicy pa.**
At 5pm I leave our house to go to work, at 6pm I arrive at the company so I go straight to production. after many many hours the coordinator of the agency holding us talked to me, told me that the end of contract is tomorrow, I was sad because I don't want to end the contract yet, when I return to production I'm just quiet I don't say no they know that tomorrow they won't have me to be with me, Jerry suddenly approached me and then he suddenly handed me the cake. When I looked at the cake there was something written, it said "I Love You" I suddenly left because I was really sad because I was open at the end of my contract. he followed me and talked to me, he told me what was my problem why I wasn't happy because I couldn't do anything so I told him everything, he suddenly hugged me while I was crying because I don't want to lose my job because I'm helping my parents to spend at home .
The next day we went out to work he accompanied me as he made a way to make me happy. I was very lucky with him because he always took pity on me since that day we chatted every day, he almost never lost time with me, he could just talk to me and he could just see me.
until the days passed the right time came February 17 2019 I invited him to go to church, he immediately replied he said go ahead let's just meet at church. I wore the clothes he gave me while I was grooming myself. 5pm I left the house to go to church, 5:30 I arrived and he arrived too. We entered the church together to pray and listen to mass. this is the day I am most looking forward to I am happy with him as we see I look at him and I pray to the lord, I told him that I hope this is the right man for me, to love, take care of, serve, make me happy at papasayahin ako habang buhay.
After we prayed, we went out of the church and i told him Jerry let's stop here in the middle, he suddenly stopped and yelled at me, while we were in front of the church door i had a chance to tell him that i love him ayiieeee haha🥰🥰, he was surprised so he said he said that he loves me too, while he was saying the word **"Mahal Kita"** he smiled and suddenly jumped hahaha.
So I couldn't stop myself from telling him "Let's go" from now on you are the owner of my **HEART**.
This story is mine, first time i share my thoughts because i have read a lot about love life so i share with you my Love Life Story. I hope you liked my article. Thank you for your time and effort to read this.
to my New Sponsor @Cineholic thank you so much for your good heart I never thought I was one of the people you sponsor.
To all my Sponsor, thank you for all your support for me, I really appreciate it, so I'm really very motivated to write .
****Lead Image is Mine****
**My Previous Article:**
Don't give up to your dreams because the surrender is defeated https://read.cash/@Caroline17/dont-give-up-to-your-dreams-because-the-surrender-is-defeated-a5368e7b
Today is a second day of the month of july https://read.cash/@Caroline17/today-is-second-day-of-the-month-of-july-94646afc
How do you deal with Anxiety and Depression https://read.cash/@Caroline17/how-do-you-deal-with-anxiety-and-depression-13c1602e
Writing my future: Questions https://read.cash/@Caroline17/writing-my-future-questions-b05d92c9
The one who is in school https://read.cash/@Caroline17/the-one-who-is-in-school-2f40f018
Thank you so much @Cineholic for sponsoring me 😊 God bless You 🥰 Wala akong masabu kundi salamat salamat. I'm Very happy hehe.
Just a few more Steps
**Just a few more steps..**
I'd never thought that this would become my new mantra, repeating over and over in my head. I have to make it, I must. If I don't, no don't you think of that. I have to keep going. Just keep going, one foot in front of the other as I race through the murky darkness.
Running, I feel my breath heaving in and out of my lungs as my footsteps thud steadily on the uneven ground beneath me. The loud echoing breaths of the others ring through the air, showing where they are. It was so stupid, to go into the labyrinthine caves that snake beneath the town. To walk down past the boarded-up entrance to the old mine, ignoring the **"No Trespassing"** sign and to sneak down into the dark depths. Everyone knew better, or at least everyone from the town did. Anyone who could hear had been told the legends ever since they were children.
Stories that have been told for years, about the creature that lived in the dark recesses. Tales of the miners that vanished back in the late eighteen-hundreds, back when the town was first founded. Whispers of the Boy Scout troop that explored too far back in the fifties and were never seen again. Echoes of the campers, and hikers, and all around dare devils who pushed their luck too far and ventured down into the dark depths, and to their demise. And now, the news will have another story to tell. Of the two teenagers, a boy and a girl (can you get any more stereotypical) who went into the fatal caverns on a dare. A silly, dumb, pointless dare.
A loud screech fills the air, echoing down the tunnels, intertwining with the croaking laughter of the creature and the terrified screams of its prey. Looking around I try to find a faster route, a way to get to the entrance quicker, but the stone wall, arching up to meet as a ceiling, is eerily smooth. If I didn't know better I would think that the walls had been run smooth by years of water flowing constantly over its surface, but the tunnels were as dry as a bone, without a drop of water to be seen.
Walking down into the caves it doesn't seem too bad, as the floor gradually winds down in a gentle slope with a fine dusting of gravel making the way little slippery. Even the light filtering down through the depths wasn't too bad, this being a portion of the maze that was relatively straight and for once was lacking in the usual twists and turns that the old mine was known for. Of course, it seems simple, what better a way to set a trap.
There are stories up in the town above the labyrinth. Of the old demon who lived in the caves far below the small civilization that had been built deep within the mountains. The horrid beast who has never been truly described, for all that is left of those that see it are a few fragments of bone and pieces of cloth. Though there are stories. Tales of horrid claws, the sharper than knives. Of great pointed teeth.... No, no they would definitely be better described as fangs, longer than a child's finger and jagged like a saw. Of big, burning eyes that glow with the very fires of Hell itself. A big, hulking beast straight out of a grown man's nightmare, too horrible to be dreamt up in the mind of a child.
Of course, the stories are all true. I know this, for as I run I can see glimpses of the horrid eyes glowing in the dark. Through holes in the wall, or is it a fragment of mirror, left behind by the minors who once used it to brighten their candle's light. The ringing of claws scraping across the stone floor a sharp contrast to the steady thud of tennis shoes. Two of the three breaths are turning into wheezing gasps now, as the slope seems steeper and steeper, the light still so far away.
The distance to the cave system's entryway is steadily growing smaller, the crooked boards a slight buffer of safety between glorious life and certain death. Escape seems so close, but the swiping of vicious claws is closing in faster, monstrous legs propelling death faster than any human can run. A pained laugh bursts forth from my throat, rasping out over the irony of it all. Life and death closing in, one slightly faster than the other. The sparkling of the exposed gems seems mocking, as the ringing of frightened calls ring from frantic throats. The shadows seeming to cling to us as we race through the dark, grabbing us and pulling as back into the depths of the abyss. I'm so, so very close.
Then, of course, tragedy strikes, for fate is a cruel mistress with a sense of humor based off of a mocking irony. The papers will lament how the boy was the first to be caught, slipping on the loose gravel, feet sliding out from under him and he falls to the ground with a harsh thump. Just like a cheesy horror novel, for what a better way for the brave hero to fall than with a shout for his companion to run. To go and leave him behind. The dim, grainy light filters around us just enough for a wickedly sharp claw to be seen slicing into a jean covered thigh. Pained screams filling the air, mixing with my shrieks, as blood flies across the tunnel. A girl frozen in fear as her boyfriend is torn to shreds, blood pooling on the floor now, and beast destroys those that dared intrude on it's territory.
Once again it goes quiet. For one, two, three seconds, before we both, the beastly creature and the innocent girl, jump into action. As I run towards the light of freedom, slipping on the now wet gravel, the dust and blood filling the air and coating seemingly every surface make it hard to see. The cave entrance, which once seemed so far, so unobtainable, now draws closer. Still so far, but maybe, just maybe, it can be reached. There can't be more than fifty yards left. Seventy-five at most. The upper world drawing ever nearer, as the murky depths of the maze of caverns comes slowly to an end.
It's just a straight path now, in order to get to the world outside this endless darkness. Suddenly, I notice that the steady upwards slope of the ground had finally evened out and my steps come easier, though the running begins to take its toll and my breath grows more and more labored. The only other downfall is that I'm not the only one the flat ground has helped. For anyone unlucky enough to observe the scene, they would see that the distance between the horrid creature and the terrified girl was steadily decreasing. The chase was coming to a close.
I glance down and see the blood dripping off of my claws, and I can feel a few scraps of cloth stuck between my fangs as I run my tongue across them, drooling at the thought if another victim. Two in one day is unheard of, and yet they're all mine. They did trespass after all, that makes them free game. There are the stories that ward them off, to warn them against coming close, to prevent them from intruding, to protect them. They ignored them all, and now they will pay the ultimate price. Now, they are mine.
**Just a few more steps...**
Lead Image Source: https://pin.it/4LMWdog
**My 4 Previous article:**
Don't give up to your dreams because the surrender is defeated https://read.cash/@Caroline17/dont-give-up-to-your-dreams-because-the-surrender-is-defeated-a5368e7b
Today is second day of the month of july https://read.cash/@Caroline17/today-is-second-day-of-the-month-of-july-94646afc
How do you deal with Anxiety and Depression https://read.cash/@Caroline17/how-do-you-deal-with-anxiety-and-depression-13c1602e
Writing my future: Questions https://read.cash/@Caroline17/writing-my-future-questions-b05d92c9
I got new sponsor 🥰 thank you very much Ms. Jane for sponsoring me, thank you for your good heart, I didn't expect that. Thank you for trusting me, I will improve my writing even more and I will improve my article🥰🥰
Don't Give Up to your Dreams because the Surrender is Defeated
**"If you give up you will lose"** *So before you think that you will give up on your dream, first ask yourself why you will give up and look at your loved ones in life because they are not the reason why we fight? to help our family and fulfill their dreams. we are children what our parents tell us what are our dreams when we grow up, We have many dreams that we want to come true so don't lose confidence in yourself take courage because of all your hardships when you become successful in life you can only tell yourself that everything you have worked for is worth it.*
**Why are we Dreaming?**
We dream because for our family especially when you are a poor person, we have many dreams that we also want to come true, almost all of us have his dreams and our dreams are different.
even in the simple things we see in other people we dream. Sometimes we are jealous of people whose lives have been successful. It is not bad to be jealous of people if you use it as an inspiration for you to achieve or even surpass what they have achieved ..
**What are our dreams?**
Get out of the hardships of life- Almost 50% of the people are just poor, Others are not to blame for being poor because no one wants us to be poor, right? they really just don’t have enough money to build their own business and find a good job
**Have our own Family**- *We all dream of having our own family and giving them a better future*
**Have your own Business**- *Nowadays many people build a business because they no longer want to be in the company because many people are feeling boss. I dream of having my own business because one day it will help me when I lose my job .*
**Have your own house**- *Once you have your own family, you immediately dream of having your own house because it is difficult to live in a house that is not your own. Am I correct ?*
**Let's just have a Car**- *It's one of our dreams, isn't it? Because it's nice to have your own car, especially when you want to go home to your province.*
**To be able to finish school**- *My dream is to be able to finish school what I still want to curse is Lawyer but as I get older I think I can't do that kind of course so my 2nd choice is HRM because I want to learn to cook delicious food.*
**Help our Parents**- *This is the most First of my dreams is to help my parents first I want to alleviate their suffering by raising me a good person. it’s hard to be a Parent so I know in myself once I have a child I won’teverything can be done because my attention is always on my son for his future and for him to grow up healthy.*
**Get Rich**- *This is what we will never lose in our dreams, we all want to be rich right?*
**What are the different meanings of the dream of becoming rich?**
**First**- Rich in love
**Second**- Wealthy in serving our family
**Third**- Rich in prayer
**Fourth**- Rich in thought
Finally we are rich in the heart of our lord ..
There are many different ways and I know we have him Opinion about why we dream. Because when you have no dreams you have nothing to achieve in life.
**Maybe you know this song too ?**
***Title: Pagsubok***
Isip mo'y litong lito
sa mga panahong nais mong maaliw Bakit bang bumabalakid
Ang 'yong mundong ginagalawan
Ang buhay ay sadyang ganyan
Sulirani'y di mapigilan
Itanim mo lang sa'yong pusong **"KAYA MO YAN"**
***Chorus***:
Pagkabigo't alinlangang
gumugulo sa isipan
mga pag subok lamang yan
huwag mong itigil ang laban
Huwag mong isuko at 'yong
**"LABANAN"**
**Why do some people just give up on dreams?**
*Because some of us are discouraged because they do not have enough ability to face their trials in life, others have no support to reach their dreams. so they just give up their dream because they don't know how they can achieve it because of lack of confidence in themselves, Once that when we lose confidence in ourselves all dreams all you want will be canceled because what is always in our mind's purely negative, always thinking I can’t fulfill it, I can’t afford to be diligent, I can’t afford to fight life’s problems. poverty is not a reason for us to achieve our dreams. Be Positive Thinking nothing is impossible everything will come true when you trust yourself .*
We always think that so we have a dream is for our family, for our children, for our parents who are willing to give all their support just to fulfill our dreams in life.
it doesn’t matter if our dreams in life are high or low because it will come to the point that you will even surpass the dreams you want. Be diligent, be strategic, always be positive, be steadfast and always pray to god to guide us in our path in life .
**"Nothing is Impossible"** Everything can be fulfilled in the person who is self -confident and always thinks positively.
Lead Image Source: https://unsplash.com/photos/z7oytXGI6VI
My Previous Article:
Today is second day of the month of july https://read.cash/@Caroline17/today-is-second-day-of-the-month-of-july-94646afc
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder https://read.cash/@Caroline17/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-6abcf414
Weird Things I Do https://read.cash/@Caroline17/weird-things-i-do-af1a3ad1
***thank you very much friend for that time to read my article, hope you liked it. Many thanks to everyone who upvoted my articles and especially to my sponsors. God Bless You all🥰***
I've Got Sponsorship From @Zhyne06
Thank you so much Mare sa pag sponsor ulit sakin 😊 I'm Very very happy. God bless you always.🥰
Today is Second day of the Month of July
**Today is my new Goal and new Dream.**
My goal for the month of July is to be able to find a job to help my family. I will not give up to achieve this. I know it is difficult to work and write an article at the same time, but there is a way not to be too difficult.
I know most of the writers on this platform have jobs but they are still working on ways to have time to write an article .
**How difficult is it to apply for a job?**
First you need to have money to apply for a job because you have a lot to spend just like medical bills and your daily cost of applying.
It is difficult to apply especially when you do not have a backer in the company you will join, so you will really try to get in but before you can work in the company there are tests that you must pass because when you fail you will not be able to work in their company.
**What are the requirements for those who apply to the company?**
**Resume**- *You should make your resume details in order so that they will like you immediately, Put your previous companies so that they know that you have work experience.*
**Police Clearance**- *You can get it from the Municipality of your town, it needs police clearance so they know that you actually live there.*
**NBI Clearance**- *You can get it from the NBI itself but before you get it I first apply it online and then they will give you a schedule when you can get it.*
There are many more Requirements that must be submitted to the company, I won't go into one to explain it because there are many and I know that you already know.
**Let's go back to what we have to pass before we can work for the Company.**
**Interview**- *That's the first test you have to pass, the production supervisor is the one who will interview you and the final interview is the company's HR. here in the interview you are nervous because I don't know what to ask you because some interviewers are rude so they rub the questions they give to the person they are interviewing, you are lucky when the person who interviewed you is kind because he is fast interview you and he will not torture you.*
**Medical**- *Most of them have failed because there are visible Findings on their body, others have blurred their eyes.*
**Examination**- *If you take an exam with a company, you must pass it, in another company when you fail the exam three times, they will not accept you, so you have to improve well to pass the exam.*
**Training**- *This is already within the company, they will teach you what to do in production so that once you have passed and they take you to production, it won't be difficult for you to know what to do .*
**My dream this July**
*I can find a job to help my parents with household expenses. It's not easy to see them struggling while I'm supposed to be able to because of Pandemic it's harder for me to apply and the cost of applying has increased.*
*I also want to achieve my goal this July, I've been with NC for 3 months and I've been with RC for 3 weeks, all my earnings in 3 months and 3 weeks have reached 100 $. I'm very happy because it's not easy to reach, especially when I'm not you worked hard. so I will work harder to increase my income this July.*
My Goal now is 0.2BCH it is difficult for me but there is a saying that when something is planted there is a harvest.
So during my 3months with Noisecash and my 3weeks with readcash I learned a lot about Bitcoincash and I also became a lot of Friends who always support me.
***I am very grateful to you*** @carisdaneym2***motivated me to write here with readcash and also you*** @ExpertWritter ***for guiding me here ...to the people who always upvote the articles I make and to those who sponsor me, I won't mention you because you already know that. Thank you all very much. I will improve to make my written article even better .***
Lead Image Source: https://unsplash.com/photos/IuLgi9PWETU
**My Previous Article:**
Continuation.. PSTD https://read.cash/@Caroline17/continuationptsd-5b273315
How do you deal with Anxiety and Depression https://read.cash/@Caroline17/continuationptsd-5b273315
Writing my Future: Questions https://read.cash/@Caroline17/writing-my-future-questions-b05d92c9
The one who is in school https://read.cash/@Caroline17/the-one-who-is-in-school-2f40f018
Continuation...PTSD
*I stack the firewood With a sigh, wanting for it to all be over with. Now realizing my father is definitely classified as abusive, and still hiding my rape from everyone, I just feel so overwhelmed. I want it all to end. Something catches my eye, and I look over to see a kitchen knife lying on a stack of chopped wood, why it was there didn't know, but the glimmer of reflected light constricts my heart, my whole being desiring nothing more than for all this to end. Could I really just grab that white handle and end it all? Could it really be that easy? I want to know.*
*I've considered different ways to end it all. Stab myself in the chest, in the head, or just slit my throat? Should I hang myself from a noose? I mull over my options, but when the realization that I won't go to heaven if I kill myself sets in, I sigh. I also can't shake the memory of those two girls I know, the ones I may be able to help in some way.*
*Turning away, I decide that after all I've done, I don't deserve such a place anyways. I continue with my work solemnly.*
*She blamed herself for her rape and became suicidal as her PTSD manifested within her.*
***A few years later****..*
[**The quoted speech was taken from a video and written word for word; it was broken up due to Sarah's crying**]
I trek down the hill, my rubber boots clomping loudly upon the solid ground as I make my way to our chicken coop.
Suddenly, a loud beating of wings startles me as a crow takes flight not far from me.
My eyes widen and my heart picks up pace, but there is no noticeable hitch in my walk. I continue on to the chicken coop, thinking about how some people with PTSD have exxagerated responses to being startled.... But mine were only slight, though I was genuinely startled in my mind.
This train of thought leads me to remember what my brother did to me, and I frown as I enter the chicken coop.
I scatter the cracked corn and pour the water before standing in front of the window, overlooking my property and observing the grey sky.
My soul suddenly resembles those dark clouds as I consider my life.
I allow myself to feel the emotions that lie beneath the surface, begging for release. I don't want to cry inside my house, so I must vent out here, with no-one but the chickens to comfort me.
I go over my thoughts for a moment before pulling out my phone and setting it against the window. I pull up the camera and choose the video option before pressing play.
**"... I just wish, that... I... had someone here... to, I don't know... Just to hug."**
*My words are spoken far apart due to my excessive crying, the words that should have taken a few seconds to say spanning out over a time of 29 seconds; even so, I save the video. This will be sent to my best online friend of five years, I know she will give me the comfort I need. She'll say the right things, but right now I'm alone and it doesn't matter what anyone says, nothing I do shall give me the flesh-and-blood hug I need right now. So I grab my items and return to the house, skipping the last of my homework to cry alone instead. Just like I always do..*
*Sarah was fine until that crow startled her, then she suddenly had a shift in behavior. All of a sudden, she was depressed and felt alone and trapped. She just wanted a hug, for someone to love her and tell her, "it will be okay, but it's not yet, so go ahead and cry."*
*She was grateful for her friend, but she just needed more than that. After all, she had endured five years of rape. PTSD affected this girl's life so much that she felt broken and hopeless. She felt alone and even wanted to take her own life.*
**When asked which symptoms she has possessed** - both in the past and in the present, she said this:
"*As a child, I couldn't control my thoughts. Disgusting images of what had happened would force themselves into my mind, and there was nothing I could do; I've had flashbacks too. It took me a while to understand what flashbacks were, but I finally came to the understanding that I had actually experienced them myself. It was... awful. Everytime I had intrusive thoughts or memories, or those flashbacks, I would just pray to God. That's all I could do. I felt so powerless and weak. I've also had a couple of nightmares about my rape- one was so vivid not even to this day, I believe it to have been something that actually occured.*
"I used to avoid talking about what happened... I think because I was told to. My parent's didn't want anyone knowing about it, so I kept quiet. But when I turned 12 or so, I told someone online, a complete stranger, but... it helped. I remember feeling quite shaken- terrified even, but it just lifted my burden some. Sometimes I still react physically when I talk about it. My heart beats really fast, and my limbs shake. My breath comes fast and heavy, and I find myself on the brink of tears - of course, I often do when I delve into my memories. Funny how long all my memories seem to be bad ones, except for a select few.
**"I still avoid the places where it happened, which admittedly is difficult because it happened everywhere... but I find it comforting that my bedroom is one of the very few places I wasn't victimized."**
"When I was really young, like in kindergarten, I was very outgoing. I actually walked up to a girl on the first day of school and asked her to be my friend - introverted, shy kids aren't like that. But when I grew older and could comprehend what rape was and that it had happened to me, I became incredibly introverted - still am. I do blame my parents and my brother for what happened. There was a time when I forgave my brother, but when I realized he was an adult the last time it occured, I couldn't keep that forgiveness. Now I am waiting for the day to escape this place and all the people that have made my life hell.
Sometimes I feel like I have no future, like it's not worth it, and I become suicidal. The thing is, the one thing that always makes me hold on, is people. Specifically people that have been abused, in whichever way. I remind myself that there are others who have had it worse, and I remind myself that if only I can meet them in time and stop them from taking their own life - then I would have saved someone, and my pain- this hell, would be worth it.
"*I have found that I can't remember specific parts of my trauma. I remember the place and some of the details, but I always seem to not recall what exactly happened during the actual rape, except a few times, which for some reason stick out more than the others.*
*"I don't trust easily and am honestly terrified of men. I am always on high alert when I'm in stores because there are men there. It hurts because I want to have a normal relationship one day... I'm scared of men.*
I honestly can't have many close friendships or relationships of any sort. I always feel detached from people, like I'm the thirl wheel - but on a more psychological level. It's like everyone else is on the ground, and I'm floating around with no way to come down and actually talk to them.
"*I used to love dresses, but now I hate them because they make me feel to uncomfortable. They remind me of how easily I can be taken advantage of, so I rarely ever wear them. I also used to love to run and play tag, but now I am way too self- conscious. I always think that someone is watching me pervertedly, so I just walk.*
I'm paranoid too. I always feel as if someone is watching me, and of course I imagine a man to be watching me, which increases my terror.
"*I have mood swings and can be quite irritable and a bit aggressive sometimes. The change comes so suddenly too. Sometimes I am overloaded with emotions and feel so many at once that I can't control or even process them. Other times, I literally cannot feel any emotion besides anger, and sometimes even that shuts off. One time my friend was seriously injured after having attempted suicide, but I didn't care. I wanted to, a small whisper from my heart begged for me to care, but I couldn't bring myself to- I couldn't even feel guilty. Of course, as soon as I was capable of emotion again I felt so bad and was very concerned for her, and I hated myself; I was so disgusted with myself that I hadn't cared! Being emotionally numb is one of the worst things I've ever experienced as a symptom, and it's way worse than being overwhelmed with emotions.*
*"I've also experienced disembodiment a few times. It's honestly so strange. Most people think disembodiment is like flying, but it's just like losing control of everything - everything a person shouldn't.*
Let me explain. Usually my disembodiment is very short, lasting for only a couple of seconds, but it that short amount of time, it feels so long. My mind seems to slow to the pace of a sloth while my body run as fast as a cheetah. It's like someone else has taken control of my hands while I become detached from my body. I almost swear it feels like I actually become entirely detached from my body. I can feel the change. Once, it began to last longer than normal, and I felt so trapped. Panic set in, and I began to freak out a bit. I was terrified I'd become stuck or forever dislodge from my body. Luckily I did become reattached. I hope I never experience it again, nor anyone else".
"*I have had and still do experience on many occasions, insomnia. I used to have to drink an entire two liter of water before going to bed, or I wouldn't fall asleep until 2 or 5a.m. and this is when I went to bed at 9p.m., mind you. Now I cannot fall asleep unless I am daydreaming. I've tried clearing my mind, but I can't. I'm seemingly incapable doing so. I have indulged in risky behaviors, such as walking on the 15 to 20 foot high rail of my deck when I was young enough for it to have killed me. I also can have random suicidal tendencies. Sometimes when I am riding in the car, I glance at the doorknob and consider opening my door and jumping out while we drive at speeds of 40mph".*
*"I have difficulty concentrating and am very easily distracted. I can get very angry sometimes, and even to this day I feel disgust and some guilt and shame towards myself for what my brother did to me.*
When I was younger, I would draw pictures of what happened and sometimes repeated my interactions with my brother with a stuffed toy. For a few months I was addicted to the idea of sexual intercourse for a reason still unknown to me, but after that I faced a great hatred for everything related to sex; this phase lasted for three to four years.
So yes, I have and still do face most of the PTSD symptoms".
PTSD changed her life so much that she couldn't really enjoy herself. Keeping it all a secret really hurt her too, and though it may seem shocking, most people do not tell others about their PTSD or the trauma that has caused it. The reasons vary, some people are like Sarah and are unable to safely admit their condition, while others are too embarrassed or ashamed of themselves for possessing PTSD to tell others.
*In this way, PTSD is very self-destructive, and the disease itself reduces the possibility of receiving greatly needed help.*
**But**.....
PTSD is not curable, but it can be treated. Efforts can be made to reduce the affects of and sometimes even eliminate some symptoms. Living with PTSD can really be harmful to the one who has it, but it can be made more manageable by getting support. It's good for PTSD survivors to see a counselor on a regular basis, and also to have supportive friends and family that are always there to help. It's also advised to join a support group so survivors can share their stories and relish in the feel of freedom.
But not all families or friends are supportive, and not everyone can afford a counselor; so let's look at some more affordable treatments that one can easily attain.
**A Diary**: *though this may seem 'girly' it really isn't. There's nothing girly about writing down your thoughts and emotions to help improve your mental state. Many say to write in a journal every single day, but Sarah finds it easier to only write when she is really sad or angry. She also writes when she is happy; it's good to look back on some happy memories. When and how to use a diary is up to the person using it- different methods work for different people.*
**Singing**: *it's nice to just sing your feelings away in a slow and sad tune- or a very loud, eardrum-shattering screech. You do you.*
But singing does help improve emotion and helps to release stress and built -up tension. One can sing a song they know and love, or even better; they can sing their own song with lyrics that come from the heart.
It may also be helpful to listen to music, draw or read. Hobbies you like or would like to try out are a good way to calm down and reign in emotions.
**RUNNING**
*Sometimes running sounds like a good idea to PTSD survivors - running away from the place where the illness was formed, but one should think very carefully when considering this. Running can be very dangerous depending on the situation, not just physically, but also psychologically. When running for the wrong reasons, it can actually worsen your PTSD - or simply change nothing about it. So, before you decide on wether or not you will be moving somewhere new.*
*Sarah says, "Many people shush a person when they cry, but I tell you now - Don't. Do not shush them. Do not tell them to stop crying or that they're just reacting to the moment. Tell them this; "It's gonna be okay, but because it isn't yet, go ahead and cry." Why do I recommend saying this? Because this is what I want to hear every time I'm having a bad day."*
**A WORD FROM SARAH**
*"Although I've seen some very rough times, I still love life. PTSD has dragged me down to the darkest corners of the earth, but I've pulled myself back up so many times. You can too. Remember that all pain matters, including yours - but there are people out there who have it worse. If you're willing Take up this mission: live to help others. You don't need to be rich or famous, just be kind and help when you can. If you can truly dedicate yourself to this cause and care for it on a deep level, you'll have something worth hanging onto next time you're questioning life."*
**TAKE NOTE:**
*Thank you for reading this article. I know it's quite lengthy, but I hope it helps you understand how PTSD affects people.*
*Remember that if you have PTSD, you're not a victim - you're a SURVIVOR.*
*PTSD is a traumatic mental illness that can deteriorate the quality of life to near nothingness, but it doesn't have to be that way. I know - I am a survivor of abuse and PTSD. It's probably a bit late for mention this, but since you've read this far, I am Sarah.*
Lead Image Source: Pinterest.Ph
**MY PREVIOUS ARTICLE :**
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder https://read.cash/@Caroline17/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-6abcf414
Weird Things I Do https://read.cash/@Caroline17/weird-things-i-do-af1a3ad1
How Do You Deal With Anxiety and Depression https://read.cash/@Caroline17/how-do-you-deal-with-anxiety-and-depression-13c1602e
Writing Future: Questions https://read.cash/@Caroline17/writing-my-future-questions-b05d92c9
The One Who Is In School https://read.cash/@Caroline17/the-one-who-is-in-school-2f40f018
My Rock https://read.cash/@Caroline17/my-rock-9ce35007
Depression and Anxiety https://read.cash/@Caroline17/depression-and-anxiety-7e0e2ad8
Happy Firstday of July Everyone 🥰
More blessings to come. Happy 3weeks sakin dito kay RC thank you to all my Sponsors at sa mga laging nag Upvote ng article ko God Bless You all 😊😘
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
**Origin: Why PTSD is formed**
*When we think of disease, the first that comes to mind physical health. We think about major diseases like cancer or AIDS, but we often overlook the diseases we cannot see. When we do consider mental health, we likely are to think firstly of depression or anxiety, maybe insomnia or amnesia. A disease commonly overlooked is PTSD, which includes symptoms of all of the previously mentioned mental illnesses, plus more. Maybe you've heard of PTSD. Perhaps you know someone who suffers from it, or maybe you do yourself, but for those who don't know much about this disease, please keep reading; for those that know of this disease, please do as well, this article will provide knowledge and tips that you may not have known before.*
*Please be respectful of the testimonies you will read, knowing this is a real illness that affects millions.*
Sometimes the news covers this topic, but how do they usually present it? They take a wounded soldier and slap the title "**PTSD VICTIM**" on him/her.
Soldiers are the most likely to suffer this illness and are also most likely to have it for a longer period of time with more severe symptoms... But **PTSD** also affects other trauma survivors. Victims of rape, attempted murder, burglary, and really any crime that can be traumatic for anyone can are likely to develop **PTSD**; oftentimes people that simply witness these crimes also form **PTSD**.
There is no certain profession, gender, age or race for this disease - it can affect anyone. From a 90 year old man to a 6 year old girl, this disease leaves many people in a state of perpetual disaster.
`"The science behind PTSD"`
I'll keep this simple because many people just don't get science, and will all it's terms and scientific names, that's understandable.
**PTSD** affects the brain basically by jumping into 'danger mode' and never coming out of it.
When a person experiences or witnesses a crime, their brain goes into 'danger mode'; this means they are alert, cautious hyped with adrenaline, and on the look for any possible threats. This is normal, the same thing happens when we are jumped by a friend - the difference is, **PTSD** survivors don't come out of this 'danger mode' a few seconds later. They are forever trapped in this state of fear and terror, of watching for danger and anything that might possibly hurt them.
Many people with **PTSD** will have it for less than a month, but if it persists for more than 30 days, treatment should be sought out. Most people suffer **PTSD** for years on end, many experience it for decades. Some **PTSD** survivors have symptoms for a few months or years, and then it stops; they think that it's all over, and somehow they were cured, but then a decade later the symptoms come back-even worse than before.
Two obvious ways one can tell someone has **PTSD** is by noticing the more visible issues they make have; such as hyper-vigilance and hyper-arousal.
Hyper-vigilance is the state of being overly alert and always on the lookout for both real and presumed dangers.
Hyper-arousal is when a person has a body that is always tense and/or when they have an exxagerated startle response.
Symptoms of PTSD vary from person to person, some experiencing only a couple and others experiencing all of them. The 24 known symptoms are often classified into 5 groups:
**INTRUSIVE MEMORIES**
*Repetitive, unwanted memories of the traumatic event.*
*Having vivid memories of the event that feel as if it were happening again. (Flashbacks)*
*Upsetting dreams or nightmares about the traumatic event.*
*Severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something or someone that reminds you of the trauma (such as heavy breathing, accelerated heart rate, or shaking limbs)*
**AVOIDANCE**
*Attempting to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event*
*Avoiding people, places or activities that remind you of the traumatic event.*
***NEGATIVE CHANGES IN MOOD OR BEHAVIOR***
*Negative thoughts about yourself, other people, or the world.*
*Hopelessness about the future*
*Memory problems, including not remembering important aspects of the traumatic event*
*Difficulty maintaining close relationships (due to various symptoms of PTSD)*
*Feeling detached from family or friends (you cannot connect, or they don't seem to understand you)*
*Lack of interest in activities you previously enjoyed*
*Difficulty experiencing positive emotions*
*Feeling emotionally numb(you cannot feel any emotions or can only experience negative ones)*
*Experiencing disembodiment (feeling as though someone else has taken control of your body or seeing your body as if from another person's Perspective)*
**CHANGES IN PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL REACTIONS**
*Being easily startled*
*Always being alert and on the look out for danger*
*Risky behavior, such as participating in activities that may cause harm (eg. Driving too fast, drinking, standing on a ledge, attempting suicide, etc.)*
*Having difficulty sleeping (i.e. insomia)*
*Difficulty concentrating*
*Irritability, angry outbursts or agressive behavior*
*Overwhelming guilt or shame*
**SYMPTOMS MOST COMMONLY EXPERIENCED IN YOUNG CHILDREN**
*Re-enacting the traumatic event or aspects of it through play*
*Frightening dreams that may or may not include aspects of the traumatic event*
**PTSD** can affect people in many different ways, and it's sad just to hear about the general symptoms- but let's look at how this all actually affects the lifestyle of the survivors.
Jason's Story is fictional, but is based upon real testimonies.
Jason is a young man battling **PTSD**. He joined the police forced to help people, and he is proud of himself for serving his country - but now he sees himself as 'broken'.
As he grabs himself a cup of coffee, he sets it down on the table gently. He pours himself the steaming liquid, hand as steady as can be, but he suddenly looses his grip, and the coffee pot is sent into a free-fall.
**CRASH**
*Glass shatters at his feet, he stops breathing. Gun shots pound into his skull as he hears the sound of the bullet that shot him a couple of months ago.*
*He cries out suddenly, gripping his head as he curls into himself, curling into a ball on the glass-littered floor.*
*His heart pounds in his chest whilst tears pour down his cheeks. He succumbs to the pain and screams as his body shakes violently with fear and pain.*
*Sobs wrack his body as visions of a silver gun pressed to his head pass over his eyelashes. He feels lost, broken.. Out of control. It's like it's happening again. All over again.*
`"Our brains run our bodies So when we can't control our brain, How do we control..... Anything?"`
*A simple, unexpected event-something as small as a coffee pot breaking unexpectedly, can send someone into utter turmoil. Jason is an example of actual people who go through these things on a daily basis.*
**Now let's visit Sarah***.
**Sarah**- *is not a fake person nor is her testimony fake. All of what is spoken of sarah* and everything she herself says is true.*
*Sarah is not her real name, it has been altered for privacy reasons.*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Sarah is a little girl of nine years. She has been raped by her older brother for as long as she can remember - which is when she was six. She does not remember the first time T happened, so she is not sure when it actually began. At this point in time, she considers herself 'molested', not understanding that she has been raped and victimized by her sibling.*
*It's almost one am, the sky is pitch black and all the animals are sleeping, yet young Sarah* lies awake in her bed. Tears dribble down her cheeks as she writhes in emotional pain. Her hands are clutched together in prayer, but brought up to smother her face as she begs for the images to stop -the images of her brother and what he did to her. Her breathing is heavy, and her heart races as it feels as if it's happening all over again. She can't control it. Sarah watches the hand reach out to her in vivid color, she feels her skin tingle where we had touched her, and she cries more, pleading with God that he will save her from these wretched memories. Little did she know they were actually flashbacks, vivid memories that felt so real and that she could not control no matter what she did.*
*She curls into a ball and pries her eyes open to stare at the ceiling, but she can still see it all. Him, her, the couch, the nightlight. Everything. "Please, God, make it stop," she begs as her heart seems to be crushed within her chest. At this moment, she just wants to die. She wishes she had never been born.*
`"I feel like I've lost control of myself, like I'm trapped and can't do anything."`
*Some. People may think a flashback would be cool, they could even relive a cool memory, but the truth is that they really aren't. They can make a person feel trapped and broken, like they can't control anything. And that's just about the worst feeling there is.*
Now let's look at Sarah* a few years after this incident. Remember that Sarah's* Story is genuine and true.
Lead Image Source: https://pin.it/H0WWFph
***Thank You for your time and Thank you to all my Sponsors and to all who Upvoted my Article. God bless you🥰🥰***
Weird Things I Do
***I'm TOTALLY not stealing this idea from literally ANY story time creator. (Just kidding I am totally don't sue.) Anyways, I tend to do a lot of weird stuff now a days. So here we go! These are the weird things I do that possibly no one else does. Also, half of these may relate to food because ree.***
**1**. I am not the most skilled person at typing. I type with only my index fingers and my thumbs. **I KNOW**! It's not normal, but it's true! I was never able to fully get it down. I remember having a typing class in 7th and 8th grade and we had to learn how to type or practice how to type and whenever we did these practices, I would usually type the way I usually type. But when I do, the teacher stop me, shows me how to do it properly, I do it properly, but then a moment after she leaves, I go back to tying the way I usually type. I guess it's hard for me to do it because when I have all my fingers on the keyboard, I can barely see the keys. Plus, it was stressful to remember the exact place on the keyboard my fingers are supposed to go. This is why I struggled in that class, because most of the time, I was too slow to catch up with the rest of my classmates and it just made me more tired even though I'm using less fingers and being slower because of that. Even when I do the lessons at home I still don't manage to catch up. I honestly don't think there's a right or wrong way to type. Kind of like how there is no right way to write, you can write with your left or right hand, it doesn't matter. So don't bother telling me how to "properly" type. I'm fine with the way I currently type.
**2**. I read a lot, but that's not the weird thing. Sometimes when I'm at home, I like to read out loud. Idk it makes it easier and I can focus better if I read out loud. Maybe it's because I like to act and stuff so it helps me read faster. But again, that's not the weird thing. The weird part is that whenever I read out loud and I'm not home alone, I'll have the TV or something blasting in the background as I read. Mostly, it's because I read fanfictions and I don't want people to know I read that. I just feel more comfortable if no one heard what I was reading, I don't know.
**3**. Ok so this was something I used to do. Back at elementary school during lunch, I used to line up my food in rainbow order and I'd go in a pattern eating these foods. (Example: goldfish (orange), chips (yellow), apple juice(green), pretzels (brown)) like I'd eat one bite of the first food then another from the next, and go in a pattern. I don't know why I did this? Was it because I liked the set up? Was it because I wanted to have everything eaten all at the same time? Maybe I had OCD as a kid.
**4**. I stopped doing this recently because I got rid of my loft bed in mid 2020 but I'd some of the time won't sleep in my own bed. **OKAY HERE ME OUT**! Like I honestly have no clue why I did this! But for some odd reason, my mind just sometimes like "bruh let's sleep somewhere else". It's like when you were a kid and snuck into your parents bed and slept with them, but on a whole other level. I'd sleep on the couch for days on end sometimes. Hell, one time, I slept on a freaking chair. Like, **HOW**!? It's not because I was afraid of heights I did this before I even got a loft bed. Even when visitors come to sleep over, I'd sleep on the floor of my room or something. I no joke actually did that for a while, around the time of my 17th birthday. So yah idk why I do this . Idk why I do a lot of these things.
**5**. Ok this is less of a weird thing I did, and more like a bad habit. I RARELY asked for help when I was at school. Why? I don't know! Maybe because I'm an anti- social pleb that doesn't want to waste anyone's time. Hell I used to go over to my speech facilitator's room **ALL THE TIME** and get her help. But then when senior year went around I felt bad for barging in her room without warning, that's probably why I stopped going over there, like I'd still visit her sometimes but not as often, which I regret because she was super nice. It did get a bit better though because my economics teacher offered to help me out with some work so at least that was good. Also, I think he was a web so that's a plus X3
**6**. This one is really silly, but occasionally I'll rock myself back and fourth when I'm sleeping. Why? Who the heck knows!? Is it helping me sleep better? Idk because it usually only last for a few seconds. It's uh, pretty odd to say the least, nothing more to say.
**7**. So I have a special stuffed bunny named Bunny. I won't go into too much detail about her because I might do another chapter on this. But,.. I talk to her as if she were my pet. Like with a ridiculous high voice and everything. And most importantly I started carrying her around with me to places more often but I have a justifiable reason for it. So, it was the beginning of the junior year. I was outside alone at lunch. It was oddly enough a day were I brought Bunny. I've brought
stuffed animals to school to help cope after the tragedy in sophomore year. But this was one of the rare occasions where I brought bunny. I suddenly hear the fire alarm going off. And I was scared. I didn't know what to do or how to react because this was the first time this happened outside. You know what was worse, after it sounded off the first time, **IT DID IT AGAIN A SECOND TIME**! I was even more scared, I thought something was actually happening. Turned out this was back when the stuff didn't know how to control the fire alarm so it was a false alarm, not even a drill. I ended up asking to be picked up. Thankfully, one of my favorite teachers was there with me and we chatted and she made me feel better. So now I bring **BUNNY** with me to most places because she makes me feel a lot safer.
**8**. Ok, back to the funny ones. These two weird things I will mention in the same paragraph because they both involve microwaves. After I scoop some ice cream in a bowl, I like to put it in the microwave and let it melt for like 30 seconds. I like my ice cream soft served, and I thought it was a quick way to have it soft (that's what she said) Idk if its healthy for me because of the radiation, but do far I think I only have a little lactose intolerance so it hasn't killed me yet. Another thing I do that relates to food. I make smore's but there's the catch. I do not put in marshmallows, I melt the chocolate in the microwave and I use salted crackers instead of graham crackers. Ok not saying I hate marshmallows in smore's, like if it was cold enough in baguio to warrant a fire place, then I'd add marshmallows. Trust me I tried melting them in the microwave, but lt only made them hard after a few minutes. And I used salted crackers instead of graham crackers because Idk just prefer the salted ones lol.
Ok, these last food ones I'll go quick cause I don't want to take too long.
**9**. I eat the shells of peanuts not the nut inside or I'd sometimes suck on the shells
**10**. I suck on sunflower seeds then spit them out or I'd sometimes eat the shells
**11**. As a kid I used to take a popsicle off the stick, put it in a bowl, use a fork to crush it p and then eat it with a spoon as if it was a slushie.
**12**. I eat mini M&Ms with a spoon
**13**. I sometimes eat mini kitkats with a toothpick or tiny fork
**14**. If I'm eating pancakes, I'll roll the pancake up and then dip it into the syrup.
***And that's it for now! What weird things do you guys do? Let me know in the comments!***
****Lead Image From Google****
**My 3 Previous Article:**
Happy Memories of the 1200 Building https://read.cash/@Caroline17/happy-memories-of-the-1200-building-b3b0735d
How Dou You Deal With Anxiety and Depression https://read.cash/@Caroline17/how-do-you-deal-with-anxiety-and-depression-13c1602e
Writing My Future: Questions https://read.cash/@Caroline17/writing-my-future-questions-b05d92c9
Happy Memories of the 1200 Building
*These are some notable memories I had when I had classes in the 1200 building before the 14th. This will only center around my freshman and half of my sophomore year because those were the only years I had classes there until the tragedy. So recap, in freshman year, I had four classes there, geography, liberal arts math, learning strategies (****basically an IEP Study hall****) and reading. Also freshman year, my school at the time didn't have study hall established until the year after so learning strategies was basically my study hall. And the in sophomore year I had 2 classes there, world history and teaching assisting. So these stories happened in either those classes or just whenever I'd be there.*
1. So if you don't know, the building has three floors and the students have to climb three flights of stairs unless they physically can't, then there's an elevator. But anyways, so as I was climbing up the third floor one day in freshman year, I noticed that a bird was chilling there. It somehow flew inside. It didn't go inside the actual hall but it was chilling over the stairs.
2. Do you always have those rowdy kids that would occasionally fight outside of school? Well some of them were in my freshman reading class. I don't remember why the fight started but I guess two kids were arguing about a seat or something, then they immediately started getting physical. It literally got to the point where where one of them took the other, lifted him and then slammed him onto the floor. I remember a kid I was talking to turned over to my desk and make a joke while the fight was happening. I can't remember the joke but it was snarky idk. So it turned out that the kid who was slammed onto the floor broke his arm and he left the school. There was a sub that day and when my actual reading teacher came back the next day, she was pretty disappointed. I swear the sub didn't even do anything to stop the fight, he just stood there, letting it happen. Only after the kid slammed, security came in and took them. Both out. That should've happened much earlier.
3. This also happened in freshman year, it was spirit week and one day we got to wear costumes so I dressed up as Rainbow Dash. (Yes I'm a pegasister, shut up) anyways, so it was learning strategies and there was one kid who would talk to me occasionally. (He left the school halfway into the year.) So I was sitting getting some work done while the kid got up and moved to my left to talk to a teacher aid there with an assignment, he had his back facing me and then suddenly... He farted in my direction. Ya... Weird day... I ended up being sick that day so thankfully I wasn't even there for too long.
4. Now we get into sophomore year. So it was world history as the lunch bell just rang and then my "cough" monthly blood decided that now would be a good time to let loose and I usually can't predict whenever it happens so I'm never really prepared. But this time I really wasn't I was too scared to move so I was sitting at my desk trying not to move so more blood wouldn't come out. The teacher was a male so I couldn't get help from him so I had to text my bestfriend the situation. I eventually caved in and slowly walked out of the classroom, legs tight together. I think I ended up leaving blood on the chair so whoever sat there next I felt bad for. I think I went home that day so that's a plus.
5. At the beginning of teaching assisting, we had to work on an all about me power point where it basically would talk about who we are etc. So the class would get an idea of who we all were and stuff. When it was my turn, the things projecting the power point had a remote so I could go to the next page but as I was trying to, I accidentally dropped the remote. I instantly felt guilty and was worried I broke the speaker so I constantly was like "sorry! sorry! sorry! " Mt bestfriend was in hysterics and she would occasionally still bring it up today.
6. So in teaching assisting, we had a project where we make a poster board for any teacher in the school. It had to fit with the subject of what that teacher taught and what wad being taught there at the time. While my bestfriend got to work on one for my biology teacher at the time I didn't know who my teacher was but all I knew was they were probably an English Teacher and their class was reading Odysseus at the time. So we basically make a map of where Odysseus sailed in the story and it would go in order and whenever the story would get to the next area the boat we also made would be moved to that place. The day my partners and I were done, we had to hang the poster up and I finally would get to know who this poster was gonna be for. Turns out it was for my teaching assisting teacher. Apparently she's also an English teacher. I was slightly disappointed but at least it looked pretty good in the end.
7. My teaching assisting teacher would assign us movies about teaching and we'd have to answer
questions throughout the movie and at one point we were watching "lean on me" and we were at near the end of the movie when the light bulb in the projector suddenly popped and broke so we couldn't properly finish the movie and I still to this day don't know how it ended.
8. It was christmas 2017,and my teaching assisting teacher decided to throw a christmas party for us and we got to bring food and drinks. And stuff. So I brought some cookies my mom made and my classmates and my bestfriends loved them, one kid even asked for the recipe for the chocolate chip cookies. We even got to do karaoke. My best friend dared me to sing "all star" from shrek and.. You had those moments where you're laughing so hard at a moment where it looks like you're drunk to other people? Yah, that was me. I was pretty embarassed after that. But then one of the classmates played "all I want for christmas is you" and I just casually sang along to the opening of the song in my desk when suddenly that same kid who had a microphone, pointed it to me as I was singing and I knew this was my moment of redemption so I basically sang the last notes the best I could and I can't remember how my class reacted. I at first thought they liked it but looking back they probably didn't idk lol.
Honestly my teaching assisting teacher is one of my favorite teachers I've ever had in high school. She was laid back but still a responsible person. She's very relatable too. She was very supportive whenever I was down, which was a lot in sophomore year because I was a freaking baby. I occasionally still visit her class and I hope to get another class with her again next year. I hope other students love her just as much as I do because she honestly deserve it.
***And that was it, it's sad that the building is gone but it didn't take away the great memories I had there. Now the freshman building is replaced with portables and I have already made some more memories there and hope to make new ones.***
Lead Image Source: https://unsplash.com/photos/KxCJXXGsv9I
**My Previous Article:**
Do you deal with Anxiety and Depression https://read.cash/@Caroline17/how-do-you-deal-with-anxiety-and-depression-13c1602e
Writing my future: Questions https://read.cash/@Caroline17/writing-my-future-questions-b05d92c9
The one who is in school https://read.cash/@Caroline17/the-one-who-is-in-school-2f40f018
My Rock https://read.cash/@Caroline17/my-rock-9ce35007
Depression and Anxiety https://read.cash/@Caroline17/depression-and-anxiety-7e0e2ad8
***Thank you to all my beloved Sponsors and to all who Upvoted my Article.***
***God bless You aLL🥰🥰***
How do you deal with Anxiety and Depression
First off, Let me remind those intently reading that this won't be an everyday thing. But simply a response to a question I felt the strong urge to answer because it's an important topic.
***The question was:***
**"How do you deal with you depression and anxiety on a daily basis?"**
Now to begin, let me address the fact that my depression is not necessarily still with me. And it hasn't been since the middle of last year. Now freshmen year And, as I said, part of last year I suffered from severe depression. And without going into the reasons why, I'll just focus on the questions intent, "which was how do I deal with this?"
Honestly? For the longest time I didn't. I would come home everyday after school and just lay in my bed. Thinking of what my life could be. (At the time) or could of been. I believe this was the start of my anxiety. And back then my anxiety wasn't as big of an issue as my depression, but over time now all I am left with is my atrocious anxiety. But I'll get to that later because it deals with the present and I'm still speaking of the pass at the moment. Anyways, like I said back then I didn't care to treat my anxiety. I wanted what I wanted and just really believed it would come back. 2 1/2 years I dealt with this. The fake smiles, hiding my feelings, and running away from anyone or anything that was good for me. It took me a while to actually wake up and realize, all of this is temporary. I had so much of my life ahead of me and didn't even think about that. I'm not saying I treated my depression in a day but I did realize one night. (As cheesy as it sounds) I went outside and looked up at all the stars in the sky and thought "there's no way an earth this beautiful doesn't have something more planned for me" and that was the start of my depression recovery. I realize some things will never be the same again and when you protect the past.. You forget the future. It's extremely hard, don't get me wrong. And somethings you do have to be medicated. And that's okay. Some of the strongest people I know are the ones who take a step back and say "I'm not okay... And that's okay." You have to pull yourself up and find your thing that reminds you your life isn't over, and its worth living. You'll just have to try and trust me on that part. And I know.. Its hard to trust people. But what I always say is "trust somethings until they give you a reason not to". If you ever need to talk more about your depression. Just remember that even though it feels like it, you're not alone.
**Now, since this was a two part question, lets get to the second one.**
My anxiety has grown. Deeply over the years. And its reached its peak. So much so to where I have developed a little nervous tick, that is not really detectable but its there. Every little things gives me anxiety when people look at me, or talk to me, having people I know in one room staring at me, walking across the classroom to get a textbook. Really anything you can think of. But if you were to actually watch me? You couldn't tell. Whenever I present or read to the class I pretend like I Don't care if I make mistakes. I pretend like I have an abundance of confidence. When really I am screaming inside or probably twitching my fingers are tapping my foot rapidly. I act like I don't get nervous at all when really, I'm constantly anxious. A big reason for this is because of my big move coming soon. As a lot of you may know, I'm moving to NEW YORK soon. All by myself. And Im going to play my music there and develop my career. It's reasonable its giving me this extreme anxious drive because its a major change. And you never know what could happen. But I know its where I meant to be. Its going to be hard to leave this life I have here. To wake up and not be in my bed, to not go to the same school with those familiar faces. To leave all. My family and friends.. Who I may never see again. I don't think they really get that part. I think the few people I've told think its a joke. And on the day I leave and never come back then maybe there is one person who I told. Im not going to call her out but I think she knows who she is. Besides a few other people, I know my final goodbye to her will be heartbreaking. She is a person, whom I've told who really understands what I mean when I say I'm leaving. And I will see my family again, and probably even my bestfriend one day. But this one girl knows that the minutes I step out of her sight. It might be the last. So there's someone who really understands I guess. I'm so excited to leave for my true home though, don't get me wrong. I have been planning this for years and I guess I am just extremely flawed with all this anxiousness because its finally happening. So I'm sorry I don't have a direct answer for the second part of this original question. How do I deal with my anxiety? By realizing in the end, its gonna be good.
**Because no matter what anyone else says:**
*Your life is what you make of it. And you can make it anything. Never forget that.*
Lead Image Source: https://unsplash.com/photos/hluOJZjLVXc
**My Previous Article:**
Writing My Future: Questions https://read.cash/@Caroline17/writing-my-future-questions-b05d92c9
The one who is in school https://read.cash/@Caroline17/the-one-who-is-in-school-2f40f018
My Rock
Depression and Anxiety
***Thank you to all my Sponsors and to all who Upvoted my Article. God bless you***
Writing My Future: Questions
*I want to join the Prompt made by Ms. JonicaBradley about Question. This is my second participation at the prompt. So this is my entry about the* "**Question**"
**What kind of friend would I be?**
I would want an honest friend. A loyal friend will not tell you the truth in fear of hurting you. A generous friend is someone you take for granted. When you have an honest friend they may not always be loyal but they will be there when you need help. Sometimes, you rely on your friends for honest advice. Sometimes crazy honest advice is best. It is then that you realize that type of person build you up. Most people say that type of person isn't real. That more of an overused thought. An honest friend is the person who tells it straight.
**HONESTY**- ***the quality of being honest.***
*That's what honesty is. That's what can make a revolution. An honest friend is the one who will start the revolution. The next generation.*
If I were a teacher... **What would I teach?**
If I were a teacher I'd teach psychology. It doesn't matter if it's emotional of physical. Everyone fails to realize that everything comes from something. At least, in my way. It may be the most frequent topic **"where did we really come from," or "Are the God’s real",** of just plain wonders. That's what I'd want to teach. The unknown. There are wonders and mysteries. No one realizes **THEY ARE DIFFERENT**! Does no one see that evidence isn't always needed for something to be real? B.C- Before Christ. That's where it all supposedly starts. Moses - Is he real? Of course. If you want to go to B.C you need to see that in the bible they say Moses was included. Obviously. One topic covered. ***What about the other Gods? Greek? Egyptian?*** Look at it this way everything nowadays in the 21st century; what we dream we make reality. If we can think it, we can make it. That's how the Gods were made. We created a spark that comes with a distant memory causing it to be true. If I was a teacher, I'd teach life.
**What really bugs me?**
Disrespect and put-downs. That's what bugs me. When someone says you're not good enough or, that you don't stand a chance because you're a girl. When someone says that you'll never make it because you're not cool enough or that you're a loser. Next thing you know we're over here thinking "who made that rule? Who says that I'm not good enough?"that's what you said. I don't understand why you feel this way especially when I'm over here trying to make a difference in someone's life. Since when did we become things? Since when did you get the right to talk about me? You want to know what really bugs me. Bullies yeah! Just because they have some stuff going on at home they think "hey, that little 'nerd' over there is looking like a target." Really though? Why would someone be so inconsiderate and do such things? Just because you feel as if you have the power. Do you want to know why that bugs me? Because you got that power by blackmail. Right now you have no leverage. You can't harm me because you're hiding from I'll be embarrassed but, you can't change the fact that I am still human. You asked what really bugs me. What really bugs me is fear, hatred and reality. Reality is what makes us all this way.
**In ten years.. What will I be?**
In ten years I'll be a poetry writer. A poetry writer with music. Someone with a goal. Someone who's not afraid. In ten years, I'll be famous. Famous for making a difference. Sadly, that's what everyone's says. Everyone has a dream. Hardly any go and achieve it through. Did they try? How can I prove myself as a unique person? I'll start by telling you a story. News Flash! Let me tell you something. You want to know why you don't follow your goal? Oh, that's easy. You're afraid. Of what? I don't know... Reality! You won't face the truth even though.. It's the truth that sets us free. In ten years I'll be a someone. I won't be afraid. Not today. In my words; In ten years, I'll be **UNSTOPPABLE**.
**What event(s) have changed my life?**
***I have 4 events. 2 are pretty much the same and 2 are very bad.***
**1**. *When I was 5 years old and we got a new TV I wanted to explore. I climbed the super huge TV holder to get the remote and BOOM! The TV fell on me. It hurt a lot. It hurt so much but strangely I didn't needed a cast or casts. Nope. Not at all. Instead I was just a little hurt. I got to sleep with my parents.*
**2**. *When I was about 5 1/4 years old, I wanted to climb the TV thing again. This time I wanted to jump onto a couch for fun. So just like story #1 the TV fell on me. This time though the TV holder fell too. Don't worry I survived I wasn't hurt badly. Nope. Instead I was walking fine and I just had a tiny throbbing.*
**3**. *When I was 5 1/2 years old, I just got a bunk bed to share with my little sister Zamia. Mia and I jumping on mine which happened to be the bottom bed (I don't like heights.) I jumped too high and hit my eyebrow and it was bleeding. I was rushed to the hospital (barangay clinic, pinasosyal ko lang. Lol) and I was given stitches. The strange thing was I didn't even feel hurt.*
**4**. *When I was 6 years old, I was going shopping with Tay Tay my cousin and my Aunt Michelle.*
*As we were pulling out slowly I opened the door. (With no seatbelt) and turned to wave to my mom. As I was waving the car accelerated and I fell out. The car ran over both my legs before I was noticed. I was crying because I thought I was going to die. It didn't hurt and as my doctor later examined me she said I had no broken bones. I was a miracle! Now if I tell a few kids I was called illuminati but really I know different.*
Now I know I am rarely hurt and I pinch hard.
**If I gave to 7th Graders parents what advice would I be giving?**
If I gave advice to seventh graders parents, it'd be simple. I have no guarantee that Mrs. Santos would understand. They'd say that their daughter is acting up. Or that she's being rebellious. I'd say "It's normal". Your daughter Luna, wants to be someone else. She wants a "new life". In my expression I'd say "there's a fork in the road and unless you want a flat tire your gonna turn left instead of right. I know it sounds weird but it's true. Your child has decided to turn left on the road of gravel. It's a road she's never heard of. Your daughter is gonna drive until she see's your house. Once she knocks on the door and realizes that's not her home she's gonna drive. Sorry ma'am but your daughter is making her way home slowly. Obviously, there's gonna be a few problems but, she has to learn. Don't look at me like I'm crazy. What I'm trying to say is your child is lost. All you can do is let her be. She has to learn her own way back so she can memorize the path. Let her continue her journey. She'll come home and the first one she thanks for giving her the chance to find her way home is you.
**What would I do with a Magic Wand?**
*If I had a magic wand, I'd change all the problems of the world. Like Martin Luther King Jr. Said: I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.*
**Read more at**
*That is what I'd do. Make the world not judge people by their looks but there personality. That no one would feel as if they are being pushed aside for being: black, white, yellow, any color! Because I'm not you. If I had a magic wand I'd change us. Who we've become. We are not human rather yet we are animals. Only because we don't change.*
**What is my perfect Vacation?**
***My perfect vacation?*** There is no such thing as perfection. I guess you'll have to settle for the second to the best. 'My dream vacation'. Right now as my age, my dream vacation is a vacation where I am helping kids. Where I'm making someone feel great unlike, I always do. My dream vacation is when I'm not being praised for finally doing something good, but barely noticed. I know a vacation is involves no work but if you put something aside there's a nagging feeling inside your head saying you've got work to do. The perfect vacation is a vacation where I help a little girl and her mom realize she's not little anymore and rather yet, she can do what she wants.
**Do I believe in Ghost?**
***Do I believe in ghost?*** It is not a matter of do I believe. Since you asked though I shall answer. (JK) I cannot say if I believe. I believe in pretty much everything and everyone. Sadly, I cannot give you an adequate answer. **Why?** It's because anything can be deemed dumb. Anyone can be given a label. Belief is OUR stereotype. It's how we name things. Many examples are religion. I believe in one thing such as you may believe in another. I may say "King Tut is alive!" you may chose to believe it. It's all what we think. So what I'm saying is.. Life is superstitious.
**What do I value?**
*I value myself, but in life I put myself second. More than anything I've always put others before me. I've always sensed the mood before acting. It's not the best way but it is very efficient. I have no regrets about how I value others after all if they smile so can I. So actually I value happiness above everything.*
**What is my dream bedroom?**
A room with all pink. I love pink and can't live without it. So maybe that's an exxageration. I think pink is a color of joy. That should be in everyday life. My dream bedroom is one where I treated to after a long day's work of studying and education learning. Where I go to relax, sleep and kill time. Where the time is endless, but the size of my room is also. My dream room has most tools I would like to have at my side, including but not limited to; a cool computer set up, lots of room for crazy activities, a 3D printer (I wish) , a drawing station, a large TV for me to watch, and other weird trinkets and crazy doodads.
*Goodbye*
***I love writing but more than anything I love finding myself. During the time I made this, I've come across my deepest feelings. You may not see it, but surely I do.***
***So goodbye and adios.***
***Love y'all ❤***
Lead Image Source: https://unsplash.com/photos/PbzntH58GLQ
I Follow The Rules:
***Write anything about "Questions"***
***Write 100% original content.***
***Write at least 600 words***
***Tag*** @JonicaBradley
The One Who is in School
It is impossible to define who I am without considering my role as a student. My entire life has been focused on school and my schoolwork. I have always been told that I am smart and that I excel in school. I remember being in advanced reading groups, and joining advanced classes and groups, such as TAG. Considering I am only 19,my whole life hasn't been very long, but it has been long enough to be known as "The one who is in school". School has mostly been easy for me, that is until the year 2020.
There isn't a day where I wake up, and I don't feel the pressure of being "the one who is in school" I feel a pressure to always be great and to always be better than everyone around me. I am so scared of disappointing something that I am terrified of failure and what comes with it. The life of a student consist of very little conversation. All we hear is, "how is school going?" Or "What are your plans for school?" If I had a nickel for every time I told someone, "I plan on going to Ateneo De Manila University to study business management," then I would be able to AFFORD Ateneo De Manila University without any loans or grants. I am excelling at work, I am in a loving and healthy relationship, I am attending my dream school, and I have a large family who loves and cares about me. I have so many great things in my life but all anyone wants to focus on is my schooling.
My entire life has been lived by a deadline. Everything is due this day or that day. My generation is conditioned to eat our lunch in less than 10 minutes because that's all we had. We continue to rush everywhere because we only had four minutes to get across the school. I have been in the mindset that school is everything for my whole life. My friends ask me what I'm doing tomorrow, "work and homework". My friends ask what I'm doing next week, "work and homework". I can't ever do anything on a whim without feeling guilty that I'm not doing homework. If I'm not 100% focused on school, I feel like I am wasting my time and my money, I need to try harder. I can't imagine how actual adults live their life knowing they don't have to constantly worry about homework or the time of their next class and whether it's in person or on zoom. This year, students are struggling more than ever. We are confused. We are tired. We are overwhelmed.
In the spring of 2020,the worldwide pandemic known as Coronavirus began to wreak havoc on life as the world knew it. Students around the globe praised the idea if having two extra weeks of spring break, I was one of these students. I thought I could use the extra time to decompress and enjoy more time with my friends or working. Shortly after that announcement came another one: no school for the remainder of the month. Students then began to have their hopes dwindle little by little. I was one of these students. My entire life I had gone to school seven hours a day, five days a week. I haven't known anything else then the final announcement: No more school for the remainder of the year. The heart of students were finally pulverized into dust. I physically felt my heart stop. Before I knew it, tears were flowing down my face. No one understood how draining it was to have my entire life flipped upside down. Everything I have ever known was gone.
*My senior year started off the best way possible. I was full of hope and optimism. But as we all know now, that would soon change. At first the entire school was abuzz with the possible extension of spring break. We all wanted to take the chance to recharge and come back just in time for prom and all the festivities of the end of senior year. As my friends as I received the final announcement, we felt our hearts break. Everything we had been looking forward to got ripped away with no chance of coming back. My senior prom, saying goodbye to my underclassman, friends and the final walk through the school. Then, the realization hit that we may not even have a graduation. The feeling of inevitable doom raked through our bodies. It felt like we had our spines ripped straight from our backs. It felt like everything I had just worked for was thrown out of the window. I had worked life for this moment, and I didn't even know if it was going to happen, maybe I wouldn't have tried so hard in order to soften the blow*.
As news began to spread about how others were handling graduation during the covid 19 crisis, the hopes of my grade continued to spiral. I am grateful my principal communicated with us 100% of the way and was insistent we were to have a graduation sooner rather than later. I was able to have a traditional, if that's what you can call it, ceremony in the parking lot of the high school. The pride I felt as I walked across the stage, I have never felt before. I felt accomplished. All. My hard work finally paid off. Even through one of the worsts pandemics Philippines has seen, I still did it. We still did it.
**This year, I have had to face more**
challenges as a student than ever. I must learn how to navigate an entire new college lifestyle while also having to learn the COVID College lifestyle on top of that. I am striving every day just to make sure I don't miss an assignment in a secret folder online. I am learning how to use multiple different video chat services just to accommodate with the teachers preferences. Not only am I hurting, but the teachers are as well. Older teachers don't know how to expand a youtube video, let alone run three different platforms to provide for students the best possible results. This year is the year of challenges, new beginnings, and learning.
Between learning how to be an adult, a college student, and an active member in society, I am surprised I can keep everything straight. I remember always having back to school dreams in mid-august. This year, I have nightmares about missing my zoom class or my internet cutting out at just the right time. Just the other morning, I woke up at 9:45 and started panicking because I thought I missed one of my two in person classes. Having to remember what days online, which days are not are the bane of my existence at this point.
In my 15 years of schooling, I have never gotten a grade lower than a B. I have been on honor roll every year. When I received my final transcript, a massive, fat, glaring C+ was staring right back at me. I was thought it would crush me. Instead, I thought, "hey, c's get degrees, am I right?" The weight of the world felt far heavier than a puny C+ on a grade report. If I had known this would have been my attitude, I wouldn't have believed it in a million years. When people tell me, ''I got a D on my exam!" And I can hear the excitement in their voice, my heart aches for them. If I had gotten a D on anything, I would obsess over it until it was to the point I couldn't stress anymore. I never understood the compliance with such a grade. Until the pandemic hit. I was relieved that I didn't fail. Even if I did, nothing hurt as much as navigating success as a student through the pandemic. The changing times made me realize that a single grade isn't as important as surviving the pandemic. I have learned to let the little things go, and to focus on things that are more important.
*Being a student is hard. Being a student in a national crisis is even harder. I understand that I will never walk into a room without being asked, "how is school going?" I understand that I will have to force myself out of the habit of deadlines and time restraints. I understand that I am most noticeably known as "the one one who is in school". I, also, understand that I am now known as the one who is in school during a pandemic.*
Lead Image Source: Own Photo
My Rock
*It is hard to think that the person you love the most, also happens to be the person you hate the most. The way they talk, the way the move, the way they say your name. It's the subtle glances when you make a comment about the way they reacted. It's the constant need for validation and acceptance from the person you want it from the most, yet it never comes. These are the small things that make you both love them and hate them with every bone of your body. It is also hard to accept the fact that this person may be someone close to you. For example, your brother, your cousin or even your best friend. In this case, it is my mother.*
It started when I was young. It was ingrained into me from the ripe old age of seven. My little sister, peyton, was born and my whole world changed. I knew I would do anything for that little girl. It was also at that time I remember my sister only 3 years older than me, babysitting me and letting me have Jell-O cake for breakfast. Looking back at it now, I only really remember seeing my sister and hanging out with my sister. I wish I would have realized what was happening sooner.
These events unfortunately continued until I was of age to watch my little sister. I got her up and ready for school. I made sure she ate her breakfast and was out of the door on time for school. Once my sister moved out, things only got worse. I cooked the meals, cleaned the house, and did everything else that needed one. Now, I know what you are thinking, "where are your parents?" Well, the answer is simple. They just weren't there. I have blocked out most of my childhood, but the one thing that has glued itself to my memory was the fact that my mom was always at work, and when she wasn't she locked herself in her room. I never really talked to my stepdad, and I only saw my dad every other weekend. It is so important for a young child to develop a relationship with their mother, but what happens if an absent mother isn't really absent?.
*During my time in high school, I participated in academic choir and during my senior year, chamber choir. I had begged and begged for her to come to my concerts to see me doing what I love best. Her excuse was always, "I have to work" or "it depends on work" I remember one conversation I had with her that put it all into perspective for me*.
"***Hey mom, I would really appreciate it if you came to my concert next week***."
"***Can you just take the night off for me?" I pleaded her.***
"***I need to work to make money Maddy" she snarked back at me***
"***Can't you just take one night off to see me do what I love?" I begged with tears in my eyes.***
"***Maddy I need work" she had very obviously made up her mind already***..
"***So, what's more important, seeing your child perform and supporting them in what they love or going to work like always?" And while I said, supporting your child 'she said work'. That is what solidified it for me. I will never be important to my mom and she will never support me.***
The eternal gratitude I have for my mother, when she was there at least, is unconditional. The things she gave me were the biggest blessings in my life, and yet they are not what you think. She gave me the idea of perseverance, the idea of hard work. The idea of spending time with my family. She made me who I am today. Now, she didn't actually give me any of these things. She exemplified the exact opposite of these things thus making her my greatest teacher. She taught me how to be the better version of both herself and I.
"**How to Recover from an Emotionally Unavailable Mother**", author Peg Streep writes, "Unlike a Controlling Mother or one high in narcissistic traits who deliberately puts her child in the position of being a satellite circling her planet, the emotionally unavailable mother does it unintentionally;.. Those who are subsumed by their yearning keep trying to get their mothers attention, sometimes turning to unhealthy substitutes to fill the hole in their hearts." It's hard to delve inside the mind of someone who has experienced these things without experiencing them for oneself. The feeling of wanting so badly to make someone proud of you while they won't give you the time of day. The yearning for validation you're doing something correctly. All of this done by emotionally absent parents who are doing so unknowingly. Once told what they are doing, they deny it and continue the tirade of borderline emotional abuse. This was the reality of my two sisters and I, luckily, my sister was able to escape the situation, but my little sister and I were stuck.
Survivors of emotionally distant parents tend to construct wall after wall to avoid the pain and suffering from their childhood again. My entire life has consisted of walls, barriers and the constant need to catapult myself over these roadblocks in order to better myself and my future. Time and time again I have had to prove to myself that I am not my mother and I will always try to be a good person. There is something so satisfying about being in a trance for years and then the veil is finally raised, and the truth is revealed. The overwhelming feeling of clarity and relief lifted from heavy shoulders. There is a bright side to everything and things do happen for a reason. People always say life is a roller coaster. It must go down before it comes back up.
Although it took me 18 years to realize what happen to me, the realization hit me like a truck. Having an emotionally distant mother is arguably more traumatic and harmful than having a completely absent mother. Throughout everyone's lives there will be people that come and go. Some of those people will be some of the biggest teachers and provide knowledge and lessons, but in the hardest and most impactful way possible. In the end, I am eternally grateful for my mother. She has taught me things I wouldn't have learned if she weren't there. She taught me to be patient, to communicate and to love my family unconditionally. She gave me the concept of love, which I eventually learned wad skewed and incorrect. She has literally given me the shirt from her back, only to rub it in my face. She would say, "I didn't have to buy this for you" you're right. You didn't have to. But you did it because your my mother. She calls me stingy with my money, but she doesn't realize she is the reason why. She spent her money before she even earned it. I don't want to be like her., and I wont be like her.
Some people pick and choose their battles. Other's battles are picked for them. I did not choose to fight and defend myself. I did not choose to become obsessed with my mother and how she would make me feel. I was put down this path to become stronger. I was put down this path to become successful. I was chosen to become more than my problems. Maya Angelou once said, "We may encounter defeats but we must not be defeated."life is a constant battle of hard times and lows that we must overcome. Everyone experiences the lowest of lows before being able to pick themselves back up to continue down their path. Adam Sandler got fired from Saturday Night Live. Ellen DeGeneres got fired from her own show named after her even Oprah Winfrey was told she was 'too emotional' for the job and got told to start packing. These moments may seem heart breaking. That's because they are. They may seem as though they are the biggest mountain and you're told to scale it in five minutes. These moments are nothing short than a bump in s road, a lesson, or a memory you can tell your great- grand children. Its okay to be struggling or sad or unsure or confused the past does not define you.
***I have learned plenty of things in the last 19 years of my life. One of those things is to keep on keeping on. My mom and I have Always had a rocky relationship. She is still my best friend and I could never see me without her in my life. She has been my rock. She has kept me grounded. But she has also drug me under, weighing me down. I hate that I love my mother.***
****Lead Image From Google****
Thank you To all My Sponsor and To everyone who upvoted my article.
Happy Reading 🥰
Depression and Anxiety
*Do you know what it feels like to constantly cry all the time, when you are alone sitting on the edge of your bed with your head in your hands feeling numb but crying and crying and crying? Feeling like such a burden, massive failure, a big big big dissapointment all the time, this aren't all what we with depression feel there are so much more, you feel like you are hated by everyone, you feel that if you killed yourself everything would be fine, that no one would even notice or care. You feel constantly sorry all the time with no reason at all most of the time. Your sleep is disturbed and you have a fucked up sleep pattern because of all the thoughts that constantly are in your head, there are demons and voices that constantly remind you, "you are fat, you are ugly, you are not wanted" etc. For us with depression it is horrible because sleep is an escape for us, well it is me, well it is meant to be because when I do sleep I am not depressed or hurting or mad or even angry or scared.*
Feel I am are: fat, ugly, a burden, a failure, that no one wants me, that I should die/ I need to, that everyone would be so much happier if I wasn't here, that I am such a dissapointment, that I am big mistake, that I am a mess up, that I am a messed up, that everything is my fault, that I am not good enough, and never will be, that I am useless, worthless, unloved, unwanted, a misery to the world and everyone, unimportant, unheard, invisible, stupid, hated, pathetic and so much more.
I feel so down and drained all the time, I hate when people ask "**are you OK**" because it is so tiring lying all the time and saying "**yes I'm fine**" when I know that I am really not fine. When I was younger I always used to think that it is so sad that most babies are so happy, like they are giggling and smiling all the time and then when they grow up, some of them have depression and anxiety which makes them feel like they cannot even smile anymore, and so when I was younger I thought I will not get like that because it makes me sad knowing that when people are babies are they are so happy and then become so sad, but look at me now!
Having the constant feeling of wanting to die is horrendous, I go to bed wanting to kill myself and when I wake up, if I get sleep I wonder why I didn't kill myself the thought, is their everyday!! Every second of every minute of every hour of every day. I think of ways I could kill myself, actually a couple of times I have tried it and I ended up in hospital, it is horrible because you cannot help the way you feel but when you are in hospital you feel like absolute shit because it is like the nurses and doctors do not care for you as much, well it is true, because they are in their trying to save lives and now they have to look after you who has just tried to take their own life. It makes you feel so stupid.
It is hard because with depression it makes me not want to leave my bedroom at all, it makes me not want to communicate with anybody, I feel so hurt because I hurt my foster carer because sometimes she thinks that she has done something wrong because I will not talk to her but she hasn't and that hurts me that I am making her feel like that, and that shows that I cannot do anything right. Sometimes people really do not understand if they know that you have tried to kill yourself they will ask you why you did and you will reply well you told me to be happy and they will go off on one and they just will not take time to understand where you are coming from, when all you really want is for someone to understand what is going on and to help you so you are not alone, because I always feel like I am alone and I'm telling you to have that feeling around you all the time isn't a pleasant feeling.
**Anxiety** *as well is difficult to live with it is basically having a constant fear of everything around you, it is like if you are waiting at a bus stop and trying to hide yourself as much as you can because you feel that everyone is starring at you and talking about you, or talking to someone and trying to be blunt and not talk as much because you fear you might say something wrong, I constantly worry and that worry is always there, it never goes away. I always sit there and overthink every single thing, sometimes it will make you feel like people are going to leave you, you might start to feel abandoned, I sure as hell do. Having anxiety makes me feel like I am being followed by a voice every single moment of the day and the voice knows what all my insecurities are and the voice uses them against me.*
No one really understands when I cut either, I wish people would understand how much of a relief it is as well. Ok so I am going to say something and try to imagine it, I would say close your eyes but then you can't read the rest of the words to know what to imagine, here goes, imagine that you are in a very dark room and your legs and arms are handcuffed to a chair and the door has 100,000 locks on and imagine that the air is slowly being sucked out of that room and you are starting to suffocate and just as you are about to take the last breathe the air quickly gets put back in, imagine that relief you would feel, finally getting some air, now that is what you call relief isn't it? And that is what I or anyone else who cuts feel.
Some people think that depression is just being sad but it really is not just that I am such a hypocrite, I will talk people out of suicide, I will lift them back up when they have fallen down, when they put themselves down I will tell them that they aren't what they say, they might say their ugly and really there aren't no one is, only me!, I will always try my best to make people feel better about themselves but yet I can't even do any of that for myself. I cannot talk myself out of suicide! I cannot do any of that stuff. It always starts a something small, like I do not want to do my work today then It might go to, I do not want to go to college, then I do not want to see any of my family or friends I just want to stay in my bedroom, then I do not want to go out anymore, then I do not want to eat, then I do not want to get out of bed, then I do not want to wake up, then it will end up being I do not want to live anymore I really don't.
People say that I am weak because i let everything get to me even the slightest of things, but personally in some way I am strong because if I am wanting to kill myself that shows that I am finally strong at something... That I am strong enough to let go!!.
Everyday I hide my pain and sadness with a big smile to cover up what is really going on because if anyone knows like my friends then they will run the opposite way, I'm sure of it. I have to hide how broken and depressed I am. Sometimes I feel sad for no reason at all and that is why I cannot explain it to people like my foster mum because I do not even know why, I mean half of the time I do and half the time I don't, but I can't tell anyone why because they will not care anyway. Everyday I feel that I am getting worse and worse and nothing is helping me, I feel like it is too late, my foster mum will tell me that she thinks I am getting better but I think that I have just gotten better at hiding it because if she doesn't know then she will not have to worry will she?.... Nope!
I always feel so low and I get so easily upset, I feel so tired all the time, and I get so abusive to myself. When I feel like this I cannot concentrate on anything, I have no motivation for anything and I just feel like complete shit. Everyday I will come home from college and look in the mirror and cry or want to cry, I just feel so ugly within myself, I feel like I am dead.
I was seeing someone from healthy minds and she was from the NHS and they try and help you over a six week period but that is the only time you are aloud, six sessions and they are 1 hour long, they didn't help, I'm far from saving if I'm honest with you but that is in my opinion. So healthy minds referred me to CAMHS (**Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services**) which I see a nice lady from there she is doing good it is nice to be able to talk to someone who understands but I still feel like I am getting worse, they want to put me on medication and I am hoping that works because I do not want to carry on being as depressed as I am everyday.
If you know someone out there that has depression or anxiety, sit them down, talk to them, let them know that you understand them in a way, and reassure them that you are not going anyway, let them know that you will always be there for them.
If you ever need anyone to talk to, please feel free to speak to me because trust me I understand a lot.
Lead Image Source: https://unsplash.com/photos/j8a-TEakg78
this is my entry to @JonicaBradley prompt about "Darkness".
I am grateful to @Jane because I am one of the ones she tagged in her article so I thought the Topic in my Article was Depression and Anxiety .
I FOLLOW THE RULES:
***Write anything about darkness.***
***Write 100% original content.***
***Write at least 600 words***
***Tag*** @JonicaBradley
Real Reality
In every single one of my classes I was taller and wider than all of the other kids. I weighted more than three of my classmates combined. Mostly, no one said anything about the elephant in the room, but I was obviously still there. I was always first on the risers at music concerts. I always had to sit in the back of the classroom in the desk that was a foot taller than everyone else's. In P.E., I saw the faces of peers fall when I was put on their dodgeball team. It never really bothered me until years later when different friend groups were starting to form. All of the people I considered my "friends" were slowly drifting away to other groups. They migrated towards those who looked like them and had similar interest and social backgrounds. What group did a fat, poor and awkward child belong to, you may ask? Well, there isn't one. I spent most of my formative years bouncing between groups for the simple fact that no one wanted "the fat one" in their group. They would find ways to exclude me or find ways to turn everyone against me. It got to the point where I was basically friends with everyone but no one at the same time. I would only speak if spoken to, and I would only join a group if I was invited by everyone.
*I don't tell you this out of pity. I turned out just fine, well at least I think I did. I want to show you the ruthlessness of children when someone isn't like them. When we all first started school, no one cared how big I was or where I came from. As we got older, it became obvious that there were certain ways to look and act if you wanted to "fit in". More and more females in my class began to sneak blue eyeshadow out of the house. They began to flip their long blonde hair in front of the boys more often. Then, there was me, sitting on the bench at recess because no one wanted to play with the fat girl.*
I remember watching Big Brother religiously, every year with my mom. I couldn't wait for Sunday, Wednesday and Thursday nights at seven, just so I could escape reality and watch my favorite show that was soon ruined for me when I realized they all look the same. They were all thin and beautiful. The men and women on this show caked their faces with foundation, or they were constantly working out. All they cared about was image. Then, i made the connection. That's all the kids at school cared about too. They didn't want the fat girl on their dodgeball team because, "Ew, look at her run." Or better yet, "she'll just slow us down". I wanted so badly to just fit in with all of my friends, but what could I do when they all looked at me like a contagion. I can only imagine what they were saying, "watch out kaylee, get too close and she'll eat you!" Okay so maybe they didn't say that, but I was nine and had a wild imagination.
Thankfully, I found a group of friends that accepted me and I was excited to see every day. My best friend lizy had mentioned she was going to join the volleyball team, and asked if I was going to too. Volleyball was my absolute favorite sport, so if my friends were in, then I sure as hell was! I signed up, we started practicing and everything was going swell. I was slower than everyone else and I wasn't the greatest player, but I had friends and was doing something I enjoyed. Our first game was approaching, so it was time to pick out our jerseys. They were sorted by size, smallest on the left and largest on the right. I immediately went to the farthest right and grabbed the biggest size. It was only an XL. My heart dropped. It wasn't going to fit. I could tell holding it up that there was no way it would even stretch over my head. I told the coach that there wasn't one that would fit me, and she told me she will find one that does. When she told me that, I was so excited I would finally be a part of team.
The next day of practice, she gave me my jersey. She had told me that it was an extra from the high school volleyball team. It was a 2XL, so I had hopes. I took one look at the jersey and almost broke down in front of everyone. My jersey looked nothing like theirs. My bright, tank top like jersey that smelled like playdough was nothing compared to their short sleeve, loose, classy jerseys. My hopes simply faded away. I was never going to be a part of the team. What was I thinking? Everyone stared at me as I walked out in a completely different jersey. I saw their puppy dog eyes from a mile away. The funny thing though, the jersey didn't even fit. It was still too tight, but I told the coach I was fine with it. I was already embarrassed and didn't want to cause another scene. Just another day in the life of the extremely obese at thirteen years old.
To deal with the stress of becoming a teenager and. Fatness, I turned to television, and reading. I wanted a reality other than mine just for thirty minutes once a week. I didn't to be the girl that took the longest on the mile run anymore. I didn't want to be the one in the different jersey. I just wanted to be like everyone else. I would turn to television shows like American Horror Story or Orange is the New Black. I read all three of the AFTER series novels five times. I found solace in these shows and books. I discovered people that looked and acted like me. I found people who came from the same broken background as me. I felt like I belonged. I saw women who knew they were large, and they loved themselves anyway. I worshipped characters like Taystee and Boo from Orange is the New Black. I idolized Kathy Bates and her ability to consume her role And only leave crumbs behind for her colleagues. These few women helped me to realize bigger girls deserve a spot in the world. They deserve to be heard. They deserve to be valued.
It was around that time in 2014 when the show "The Bachelor" really started to gain popularity. I never got into it, but looking back on it, I'm glad. I saw that they released the images of the women participating in the next season. I looked out of curiousity to see what they looked like. My jaw dropped. I am not joking when I say it was the same person just copy and pasted throughout the brochure. The women were tan, they had long blonde hair, an all white smile, and were thinner than a toothpick. They were that I like to call "Societally beautiful". They were the women all of my "friends" in school were trying to be. They were the ones comparing me to this image and telling me I wasn't good enough. I believed them.
I didn't take me long to realize that reality television is nothing close to reality at all. What they call reality, is really just production. Watching a show like "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" only deepened my reality of being poor and unlikeable. The realization that money talks hit me like a truck. It's not only money, but plastic surgery and unachievable unrealistic body standards. Rarely do I see women, or even men, represented that look like me. If they are, they are cast in a shadow of being unhealthy, gorging themselves constantly or being the D.U.F.F. also known as the "**Designated Ugly Fat Friend**." Bigger women don't get to participate in these reality competition shows because they are so unappealing to the eye, producers can't risk losing views.
The show "**The Biggest Loser**"is the most vile television show on the planet. These producers claim to be helping obese people lose weight, yet they exploit them and their lifestyle for all of america to see. All of these people think they are going on to this show to lose weight and to become healthier, but little do they know, the audience at home is snickering at them, telling them, "it's not that hard" well, if it wasn't hard, do you think they'd be that big? Although the before and after pictures are satisfying they refuse to highlight the emotional and mental damage done to the contestants through the process. Not all big people have the resources to drop two hundred pounds like the show makes it seem. Often, larger men and women may have a genetic condition to where it is almost impossible to lose weight without outside factors. Not everyone can go to the gym and alter their entire lives just to please the audience at home.
I want a new reality show with people of all sizes and colors. I want them to just sit and talk to each other about the differences they share. I want them to inform the audience that there is more than the skinny, blonde, and rich women. I want men to feel comfortable in their own skin, no matter their size or color. Although women get more judgement for being bigger, men also get shamed and berated if they don't have washboard abs or biceps larger than their head. When is this going to end?
Reality shows only show the best parts of reality. And even then, it only shows a small portion of reality to a very small percentage of people. I understand I may never see someone my size or come from my background like other people do, yet I cannot stop myself from longing for a Disney Princess so large she can't even run up the grand staircase in her massive castle. I am longing for a comic book hero who can't wear the same uniform as everyone else just because they simply don't make them that large. What I long for most is for reality TV shows to start showing all people of all shapes and sizes living their true reality, not the magical version that is seen on television.
These shows are degrading, not just to big women either. It tells mid size girls that they are so close yet not close enough. It tells women so thin you can see through them that their ass isn't quite big enough. It tells the younger generation that if they don't look like these models then they will not be happy. Younger girls, like the ones that excluded me in elementary school, are taught from a very young age that these are the exact features you must have in order to succeed.
I never truly embraced my size until I saw a woman on the cover of a magazine so large, she didn't even fit. I fell in love immediately. Her name is Tess Holliday. This woman was my awakening. She loves herself, and embraces who she is. It showed me that I could do the same. I flipped through the spread and saw her posing in bikinis and crop tops and everything that I had always wanted to wear but never felt comfortable enough. I was always taught that women need to hide their bodies. Whether it was to make sure men were comfortable and unbothered or just because no one wants to see fat rolls spilling everywhere, I never dared to show an ounce of stomach or chest. If too much cleavage was showing I changed my shirt immediately. When I saw Tess Holliday embracing her size, I started to venture outside of my comfort zone. I acquired a crop top from somewhere and decided to throw it in out of curiousity. I felt extremely embarrassed. There were red spider webs escaping from my stomach, the paleness of my flesh compared to the darkness of my jeans was outstanding. I just sat and stared at my body. Needless to say, I never went out in public in that shirt.
Shortly after I discovered Tess Holliday, Ashley Graham came out as a plus size model. Wow, a size 18 model. This was another awe inspiring moment for me. Except when I realized I was larger than she was. It made me question when someone is considered "plus size". Most consider plus size as a size 14.considering I was a size 14 sometime during elementary school, this shocked me. If they think a size 14 is big, then what do they consider me? Being a size 22 in 8th grade was not a highlight of my life. Reality TV and model agencies like to say, "Look! Were diverse!" And yet showcase women no larger than a size 12. I have to say it. That's kind of fucked up.
I do have to include the fact that all of these incidences have gotten a thousand times better than when I was in elementary school. I more often see plus size men and women represented. The FENTY Company recently performed a show that included men and women of all different shapes and sizes and colors. Larger women are being chosen more often for reality competition shows, even if they are voted off first. Representation has skyrocketed, and yet I feel I am at a standstill. I still don't see bigger women on shows like "Love Island" but that show has more problems than just the diversity issue. Victoria's Secret refuses to make clothing bigger than an extra large. Plus size clothing is four to five times more expensive than other brands. Not only is it more expensive, but its also ugly. I cannot tell you how many items of clothing I have that have either birds, flowers butterflies, or some God awful pattern on it and fits like a potato sack.
Over the years I have become more and more comfortable with my body. I slowly started wearing shorter shirts or showing more cleavage. I chose bathing suits that didn't have full coverage like my others. This past summer, I chose to do the one thing I have always wanted to do. I had always wanted a bikini. Not one of those pieces of fabric with a string, but a bathing suit that covered and flattered me. I noticed there were only two downsides to my bikini experience: why the hell are the pieces sold separately, and I have this weird pacman tan on my stomach that I can't get rid of. These are just two small issues I had compared to the issues I thought I would have. The first time I put it on, I almost had to sit down from the head rush. I had finally felt confident enough to wear what I wanted when I wanted. I felt beautiful, sexy and valued. When I actually wore it in public, that was a different story. I felt my face get red, I felt the stares of the size two's. I felt the men staring at me and I desperately tried to cover myself. I ran quickly to the safety of the water. It only took a few more times and a few confident boosts from my friends, Molly and Nicole, when I realized I didn't need to be afraid. My dad always tell me, "Act like you've done this shit before"., and that's exactly what I did. My confidence shot up immensely. I eventually got over the fact that people were staring at me, because they were jealous they couldn't pull this off, even if I knew it wasn't true.
My biggest fear is knowing my little sister will face the same judgemental and petty little girls I had to face. She is also very large and always has been. I know she is growing up in a society that is slightly more inclusive, but I know she will have the same thoughts I did. I don't know how to tell her she won't be able to ride all of the rides at adventureland. I don't want her watching reality television because it isn't reality at all. It never will be.
Lead Image Source: https://unsplash.com/photos/pEzO4fhq6ho
***Thank You to all my sponsor and and to all who upvoted, I Love You 🥰***
@Jane di pa po ako nakakagawa ng Article na about sa "Darkness"
Bullied
**Have you ever been bullied?**
**How did it make you feel?**
**Did you do anything about it?**
**How did it change your perspective on life?**
Hi, My name is Kaytlyn Ruiz and I'm going to tell you about a time in my life that I myself has been bullied.
When I was in elementary school I was bullied like every 5 minutes. It all started in 1st grade, being the new girl in school and that me and my family had just moved from Mindoro to Manila. On my first day of school, I was so shy and timid, I didn't even talk to anyone. When my teacher Mrs. Haney walked into the classroom holding my hand, she got the classes attention and said, "Good **morning class, today we have a new student joining us**!" I was hiding behind her legs scared, while gripping onto her pants for dear life. She said, "come on out sweetie, and introduce yourself!" I was trembling and shaking in fear even more after she said that, I then turned around grabbed a piece of chalk and wrote my name and where I moved here from on the board. It said, "**My name is Kaytlyn Ruiz, and I moved here from mindoro**." (I was taught how to read and write in kindergarten.) Then out of no where this boy named Peter yelled out, "Why is she writing on the board, can't she just tell us herself or is she just to scared!?." That's when I ran out crying. I sat in the hallway crying about how much I missed my friends and "ALEX". When I heard someone call me. i looked up and it was my brother Kyle. He asked, "what's wrong sis, why are sitting out here crying and not in class?" I started crying even more, blubbering, "I just wanna go home!" He responded saying, "Well school will be over in a couple of hours, then we'll be home." I responded back with my voice raised, "**NO KYLE, THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAN, I MEAN BACK HOME IN MINDORO!" I cried, "WHERE ALL MY FRIENDS AND ALEX ARE**!" "Kyle, I miss them all, I miss "him" so much, I just want to go home and be with them and be with "him" again!" "Oh kaytlyn," He whispered gently. Kyle comforted me saying, "I know you miss Alex and your friends, I miss my friends too, but this is a new start for us, a chance for us to make new friends, so cheer up sis you'll see them again someday, and then you can tell them about how much you've grown up!" He really cheered me up. I thanked him, "Yeah, thanks Kyle, I really needed that!" He replied, "Glad I could help, and remember I'll always be here for you when you need me, I'll see you at lunch bye!" We gave each other our hugs, and then went to our separate classes.
The lunch bell just rang for us to go to lunch. When I got to the lunch room, I saw Kyle waving his hand for me to come over and sit. When I sat down, there was a group of boys coming over to me acting all HIGH AND MIGHTY. It was Peter and his group of DELIQUENT FRIENDS. They came over to me and said, "Hey, new girl, why don't you ever speak up and use your own words instead of writing on the board what your saying!?" Then he did something really unexpected, he SLAPPED me across the face and spilled my lunch on me yelling, "Say something or are you just to shrimpy to speak!?" I just got up and ran away crying. At that point my brother had enough! Kyle stood up and yelled, **"HEY, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, YOU BETTER LEAVE MY SISTER ALONE OR YOU'LL HAVE "ME" TO ANSWER TOO!!"** He was furious of what he just witnessed. Peter responded in a mocking tone, "What you going to do about it, "Hit me!?" At that point kyle was about to blow a fuse!" Kyle responded with venom in his voice, "I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOU, I DON'T CARE IF YOUR YOUNGER, SMALLER OR IS IN A SMALLER GRADE LEVEL THAN ME, WHAT YOU DID TO MY SISTER WAS UNEXCEPTABLE, AND I WILL NOT LET YOU GET AWAY WITH IT!!!" *PUNCH*
Kyle had punched Peter, and he was knocked unconscious. Everyone who had either witnessed or heard what happened began to fear him. Nobody dared to even be mean or tease or do anything to harm me again because they were to scared of what Kyle would do to them if he ever found out.
As everything played out in the lunch room, I was to upset that when I ran out, I didn't realized that I was being followed. I went to the same spot as before when I was being introduced to the class, I curled myself up in a little ball and cried my heart out, then I heard foot steps from around the corner. A voice said coming up to me, "hey your the new girl kaytlyn right?" I kept silent afraid of what would happen. She did something I didn't think anyone would do besides Kyle at that point. She came over to me, sat down and asked if I was ok! I looked up at her with my eyes wide and shock written all over my face, and tears streaming down my face. [She was actually concerned about me! Someone other than Kyle was actually nice to me or was concerned!] I told her everything that has happened, and she comforted me, and let me cry it all out. She told me her name is Anna Pruitt and asked if we could be friends, I was so happy for the first time since we left Mindoro! I finally made a friend! Then we both hugged each other and fell asleep snuggling together smiling. Little did I know that Kyle was right around the corner watching the whole thing smiling. "Looks like you finally made a friend, I'm so happy for you sis!" Then he turned around and went to class.
3 years later, I was now in 3rd Grade and Kyle had left me to go to middle school. I thought that I was ready and could manage without him, but boi I was wrong! All throughout 1st-3rd I made a lot of so called "friends", I was to young at the time to understand their "true intentions." They never wanted to actually be my friends or be friends with me, they were only nice to me because they feared what Kyle would do to them if they were ever mean to me. Once the first class of third grade year started, and kyle had moved onto middle school, there was whispering all throughout the halls and classrooms. One girl whispered to her group of friends, "Hey, did you guys hear, her brother left for middle school, we don't need to fear now, we can take advantage of our so called "friendship"with her, and we can get her back for being so Oblivious."
Then they came up to me when I was talking to Anna, and asked if Anna and I would like to hangout with them during recess, they smiled at us and we smiled back and said, "sure we would love to!" Little did we know that they never really wanted to hangout, and that they had something else in mind.
It was finally time for recess, when we got out to the playground, Anna and I saw the other girls waving at us from the swing-sets for us to come over. When we made our way over to the swings our "friends" said, "Why don't you go first kaytlyn, hope on, I'll give you a push." She smiled at me and I smiled back and sat down on the swing waiting for her to start pushing me. First it started out soft, low and slow. Then she started pushing me harder, higher and faster each push. Then she pushed me high enough that I got scared and wanted off. I asked her to stop and told her I wanted off, but she didn't stop, she just continued to push me harder, higher and faster. That's when I was sent flying in mid air like super girl or super man off the swing and crashed into the metal poles of the slide that was near by the swings. I had scrapes and bruises all over me and one big spot on my head that was bleeding which was caused from crashing into the metal poles, I had faced planted into the sand. I heard a "gasp" from Anna as she came running over to me at max speed. The other girls were laughing at me. As Anna was trying to help me up the other girls came over and kicked me in the stomach causing me to fall down again. One of the girls said, "Look at what we have here girls, a weak little bloody sand girl!" "You were so desperate to make "friends" that you were to NAIVE and OBLIVIOUS to realize our TRUE INTENTIONS!" I stared up at them dumbfounded because I had no idea what they were talking about. That's when the same girl spoke again and said, "Here let me spell it out for you!" She got in my face and lifted up my chin for my face to look at her's and said, "WE NEVER REALLY WANTED TO BE YOUR "FRIENDS!" "WE WERE ONLY NICE TO YOU BECAUSE WE DIDN'T WANT YOUR BROTHER TO PULVERIZE US!" " NOW THAT HE'S GONE WE CAN TAKE ADVANTAGE OF OUR SO CALLED "FRIENDSHIP AND TRUST" AND GET YOU BACK FOR BEING SO OBLIVIOUSLY STUPID!!" With that the same girl began to beat me up even more than I already was. Then they went away, it was just Anna and me left. Anna was staring in shock and horror with tears at the brim of her eyes. She looked at me and said, "I'm so so so sorry Kaytlyn, I wanted to help you so badly, I really did, I wanted to stop them, but I just couldn't!" the next thing she said is what surprised me, she cried, "Who am I kidding, I'm useless, I'm no friend, I can't even protect you!" "Sobs" after hearing what Anna said that triggered something inside me that made me mad! I try to get up and make my way over to her, but I just fall back down.
I'm barely able to crawl my way over to her, but I did. I use all my strength to hold myself sitting up and I weakly yell with a raspy voice, "ANNALIZA FAITH SUNDAY PRUITT (that's her full name) LOOK AT ME, YOU ARE NOT USELESS, AND YOU COULDN'T HAVE PROTECTED ME BECAUSE YOU KNOW THIS WOULD HAPPEN!" "SO DON'T BLAME YOURSELF!" "YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND AND PROBABLY MY ONLY TRUE FRIEND!" She then hugged me and I groaned in pain. She immediately realized the blood on her hand and gasped, "we need to get you to the nurses station quick!" Anna helped me up and supported me as she walked me to the nurses station. When we got to the nurses station, the nurse saw us immediately, she ran to us and told Anna to wait outside her office while she took me in. She sat me down on the clinic bed and started cleaning me up. While she was cleaning me up she asked me what happened. I didn't want to tell the truth because I didn't want to be called a snitch so I said "I was swinging on the swings and I swung to high and fast that I lost grip on the chains and I flew off the swings into the metal poles of the slide near by the swings." She looked at me like she didn't believe me, but she didn't push at it anymore, because she could tell I really didn't want to talk about it. I mean, I didn't completely lie to her about it, that is what happened, but I didn't tell her the complete truth. When she done cleaning me up and wrapped bandages, she pulled out a wheelchair and sat me in it. She then told Anna to come in and roll me back to class. She then called my parents and said, "your daughter has gotten hurt extremely badly, from what she told that it happened from her crashing into the metal poles of the slide after flying off the swings from going to high and fast. But I get the feeling she's not telling me everything, but I got her in a wheelchair and had Anna Pruitt take her back to class." "Would you like to come get her?" My parent's said, "Yes!" "Ok I will call her up here with her stuff". Then she hung up, and called for Anna Pruitt to bring me up to the nurses station with my stuff. Then my parents took me home.
I got badly hut a lot in 3rd-5th because I never had the courage to stand up for myself and I was to afraid of being called a snitch and being hurt worse that I didn't tell anyone. I was always taken to the nurses station everytime I was badly hurt, but it happened so many times that I was eventually able to withstand the pain and I didn't need to see the nurse. I would always come home badly hurt, but they never caused me pain anymore. I hated my life so much that I shunned myself out from everyone else beside Anna. Then come the end of 5th Grade I swore an oath to NEVER Let anyone feel the way I did, and if I see anyone getting bullied or teased if they realize it or not if they care or not I WILL MAKE IT STOP!.
****Lead Image From Google****
Many thanks to all those who upvoted my previous article. God Bless You All 🥰😘
To all My Sponsor Thank You😊
Rainbow Memories
**Rainbow Memories** - *Love is like a rainbow but the loss hurts all the same.*
William, did you know a rainbow has many colours? I bet you do, you're smart but let me tell you, you've never seen beauty till you seen one of these rainbows. Each colour is as beautiful as the last but all different in their own right, just like us humans, unique. Do you hear me William, are you still listening? Every colour points the same direction -untold riches, and treasures beyond your wildest dreams, yes even yours. A rainbow marks a promise, a testament to divine faithfulness, and a token of hope and of mercy and of love. For this reason, I dedicate every rainbow that may shine to you and to our love.
Do you remember my lipstick that you used to adore, the matt red stain on my lips? Said it brought out my eyes, you did. You were always cheeky back then, you gave me the willies and you sat on the wrong side of my dad but I still loved you and I still do. See I wore that lipstick with pride, I still do, less now though. Oh how you love that red, the deep dark satin. It was sensual blazing red, like our love it was fire. It was passion. Red for our spontaneity, for your impulsive nature and for my love for you. Back when we were young, careless and free.
I have still have that orange dress you know,I was wearing it when you went down on one knee. You were so sweet that day, flowers a lot. I still have it you know. The ring, that shoddy band you bought from the dusty old brokers shop because you were broke, skint. We had no money did we? We made do with what we had, those were good times. I guess money didn't mean as much back then as it does now, our lives revolved around more than bank balances and weekly incomes, we had love and love was enough for us. I still have that dress you know, it lays here collecting dust, not much good it does me. Can't get it round. Hips no more.
*Our wedding day was glorious, I was a blushing bride I was, do you remember? Of course you do. You stood there, at the end of aisle, smile on your face as if you'd gone and won the lottery or something of the likes. I smiled all day and so did the sun, it smiled down on us. It blessed our union and blessed it was, that day was magical. I spent ages making them yellow dresses for the girls though but they were hideous! Why didn't you tell me? Now all that remains of them is a great big yellow blot on our wedding photo. It's still here you know. That photo Of us, of the family that day, we were so all happy with that great big sun beaming it rays down us- I must get round to dusting it off. I guess dresses didn't really. Matter that day, we had fun that's what counts and I will remember that day for the rest of my life as one of the best.*
Maple street, now that brings back memories doesn't it? That peeling green door that you carried me over- that house was our life, I bet a little bit of us still lives on there. I miss that house, it must miss us too William. You cared for that house. You laboured over every nook and cranny. It was spotless. You cared for that house you cared for us, for me with a heart of gold, a warm heart. Our george was born there. Our child, our son our little bundle of joy, do you remember?
His eyes that day, big orbs searching the world you cried. We both did but they were happy tears, tears joy. When those eyes looked at me the world stopped and I was so proud but so were you. You were the best father a boy could ask for. Even when he was feeling blue you would cheer him right up. You had a gift: you could make blues sound less of a lament and more of heavens chariot anthem. You'd do anything for that boy, he used to peer up at your with those little blue eyes of his and you would make the world stand still if you must. Don't you see? All I'm asking that you to do- come back to me and to george.
*Oh William, you're late where are you? Didn't you hear- our george is coming back today? Praise the lord and may he deliver him safely. You have to see him in his beautiful indigo uniform William, he is so smart, guess he takes after his father he does. Shirt buttoned up but those hats, they don't wear them they used to. You'd look so good in uniform William, smart and dapper I reckon. I think you'd suit that look, so. Long as you didn't start talking mind you. That accent of yours would ruin everything. Thank goodness george didn't inherit your voice; I think I would be mortified if my little sailor sounded like us. He's proper posh, I feel like I'm having tea with Queen when he talks. Made common by our son!*
George said I should go see you, you know. He sent me violets, said they were your favorite flower that you'd like them and that it would make you happy. He's so thoughtful, it would mean more if you could back to me though you know. If you could just come back home were could share the violets together, they could sit here on the mantel piece- in between our wedding photo and that one of George
I've got the perfect vace in the cupboard but I need you to be here first.
I wish you didn't have to go, I know people think I am fine but I'm not. You just went, you left. Do you hear William; you left me, you left everyone who loved you.
**Did I do something wrong**?
Im sorry; I'll make it better I swear, I swear on my life, on our love whatever I did I'm sorry. Just please, please come. If not for me, then for George, he didn't do anything. Look I know I didn't do the dishes yesterday and I know I didn't laugh at your jokes but they're not as funny as they used to be but if you came back I'd wash a village full of dishes and laugh to moon and back at your knock-knock jokes. Please I just need you back, back home. We were going to grow old together and now I'm just old and were not together.
**Do you remember our vows**? *I do, but I thought we were stronger than this. I wish I had never said that last line; I sealed our fate when I said those stupid words. You have to come back. Nothing can keep. Us apart. Nothing. No force of heaven, hell or earth. That's what you promised.*
You lied otherwise you wouldn't of left me, I don't want to be alone anymore. I tried of walking up in empty bed and and only making one coffee in the morning. When the post is only delivered to me and christmas cards have your surname but not your name, I just want to sit down and cry. I don't want to say goodnight to an empty room or have equally empty condolences from people I don't remember. I want you, not any of this.
Please just come home. The rainbows will guide you, they know where we are and each one marks our love and your promise don't break it, my heart can't take anymore just come home.
Lead Image Source: https://unsplash.com/photos/j4PaE7E2_Ws
Know All The Important Advantages That You Get With Reading Articles.
Articles stimulate your creativity, offer consolation in times of sadness, and broaden your horizons. A reading habit is inextricably related to professional achievement because it exposes the mind to unique experiences and gives fresh pathways of knowledge.
**What exactly are reading abilities**?
Reading could help you become a better writer as well as public speaker. Reading skills may help you get ahead and otherwise achieve your goals by allowing you to customize how you read. Choosing the suitable reading skill will improve the reading process and assist you in reaching your objective. Will always maintain your good health.
If you want to read for enjoyment, you can make advantage of your broad reading ability. There are no expectations from the reader here, as you can easily understand the entire meaning of words through the context. For an example, if you read the piece, "tread lightly since you tread upon my dreams," you will understand that the definition of tread is something which is related to walking. HOTEL TIPS AND TRICKS can be found online.
Intensive reading is perhaps the most commonly employed reading skill. Here, you pay close attention to pretty much every word and thoroughly comprehend everything. This strategy would take considerably longer to read, but you would have a far better understanding of the content. ARTICLE ON HOTELS are always excellent.
**Additional reading skill, critical reading, aids in analyzing and questioning the text's assumptions. It allows you to draw your own judgements.**
Skimming is used when you wish to swiftly review material. When you read, you might merely seek for a certain portion. This ability is known as scanning. Will always be beneficial.
Selecting the perfect approach to read might help you to get the most out of it. You must not, for instance, skim through anything on which you need to write a report. Likewise, you might not want to use your great reading ability on a topic which you are uninterested in. TRAVEL TIPS AND ARTICLES has been outstanding.
**Reading is important for exercising your intellect.**
Reading involves different portions of your own brain, which is one of its benefits. Whenever you read, you use both your comprehension as well as analytical skills. It activates your creativity and enhances your memory regions. It aids with the retention of knowledge and also the regulation of emotions. You can easily read the Best Travel Articles
A reading habit is beneficial since it improves brain muscles. Reading is among the most effective mental exercises available. Regular mental stimulation has been shown to slow down and potentially even prevent illnesses such as Alzheimer's as well as dementia. Reading makes the brain fresh and agile.
**The importance of reading abilities in communicating.**
Reading as well as writing both functions in similar ways. Reading helps you enhance your writing style as well as flow. Writers improve their skills by drawing inspiration from some other writers. It is difficult to be a decent writer unless you read. A person should always take out time for reading articles wherever he goes. You should even read while you are eating. It will not be wasted.
Because of reading you will learn a lot of words you don't know and techniques on how to write an article .
**What exactly are the ideas you get from reading**?
By reading, your imaginations will expand here, you will get a lot just like about love life or whatever article they have made.
you will get by reading how to start your article so that you do not have difficulty thinking.
**How important is reading to us**?
This is very important because here we can learn the words we do not know yet and because of this we can learn to speak correctly and we can use it to write an article.
its importance as well. the wrong grammars we make can be corrected because of what we have learned from reading the articles.
**Different Importance in reading that we get.**
`We increase our knowledge - by reading to deepen the meaning of our article.`
`We can expand our minds-every time we read any article we see more we will understand the meaning of each word and it will expand our knowledge.`
`Describing or providing information- This is about places we have not been to and we want to go.`
`helps with heavy emotions- By reading Funny articles we can comfort and temporarily eliminate sadness in ourselves.`
**take note**:
this article I made is based on what I have learned in reading. I know I still lack this knowledge so I will persevere to read to increase my knowledge and expand my mind in making the article .
**Lead Image Source:** **https://unsplash.com/photos/v8DSLoY80Xk**
**Thank you to all my sponsor and thanks to all readers 😘😘**
Defining our Defining Moments
There are many important days in our lives. I have mine and you have yours. These important days are not ordinary in the sense of an everyday occurence but instead are extra ordinary as they play a pivotal role in making us who are regardless of if we want them to or not. They are our defining moments in our small time here on earth but you see I am far from extraordinary. I have no magical power and I am certainly no Wonder Woman -thus to be in keeping with my somewhat mundane nature I shall tell you a tale, not of a extraordinary, fundamental moments that give structure and purpose to one's life but instead, a humble day before. This is a very plain, ordinary and somewhat overlooked day in a person's life and yet I find that it is these unassuming qualities that make them some of the most important days of our lives and our true defining moments.
The day before my birth it was cold: it probably even snowed and as a winter baby, I would like to think that it did. The snow is beautiful. It is blindingly mesmerizing in the headlights as you drive towards it and yet, it makes everyone's Christmas when they wake to a patio coated with a sugar light film of freezing cold joy. November is touch and go at the least when it comes to snow but, I always imagined that when the clock stuck its twelfth chime of midnight while my mother was in the hospital, still pregnant with a stubbornly late child, outside there would be snow. The day before I was born there was peace- the prospect of a new-born seems to have that influence on people: the promise of the coming of a life; the birth of something pure and innocent. It just makes you feel all warm and fuzzy yet the peace was only surface deep. Snow is beautiful, enchanting, blinding and a herald of joy but it is also so much more. Snow is the ash of a roaring fire, dancing on the night sky like a dainty fairy floating back to earth. It's the icing sugar of the heavens pouring down on the mortals of the earth as a blessing upon us all. Snow is pure and innocent and like a child, it brings out the joy in even the most cynical of us all. Hence, I wished it snowed so that the white dazzling flurry could usher me into the world in all its glorious magnificence.
This day is very important to me, as it was the moment before I came to truly exist. At this point in time is was simply a babe in her mother's womb- a concept yet to be fully realized I was someone else's dream and that is a monumental notion. On this day my parent's didn't know me and so just like I fantasize about the snow they too could only wonder about who I would be and I would become and that is a precious sentiment, an expectant mother gazing down at her swollen stomach wondering about the child inside her and I was their concept, their dream, their child.
Unlike the day before my birth I can remember the day before my sixteenth birthday with painful clarity. I can see it as sure as the sky above and the sea below, laying there clutching my body in pain. It is hard not to forget. My chest held a vice like grip on my lungs and each rib pierced me like a surgical needle with every breath I drew. This was never how i envisaged the penultimate day to my oh-so-sweet sixteenth. Struggling, labouring over every breath like it was my last but this was no melodramatic teenage sitcoms, this was real and it hurt. The day before it was my hips; that day it was my chest and tomorrow, it could be my head. At least that is what it felt like. This time, however, it was worse: my head was pounding as though someone was taking a sledgehammer to my skull. People who spend their time constantly in pain say that they relish it. The pain that is. They say it keeps them alive and keeps them sane -it allows them to feel. I don't the pain well and truly hurts. It aches. When I wake up in the morning, I don't lay there and say' another day to breath shallow breaths; another day to walk on aching hips: to nurse a migraine; to fall on weak ankles. Praise the lord for I feel pain.' No! Why on earth would I do that? Sleeping with a pair of cold grey crutches resting against the wall, just in case I wake up d I can't get out of bed, is not something that I relish and it is not something I am thankful for not in the slightest.
Don't get me wrong I am most definitely not complaining; I just have to live with the fact that pain happens to be a defining feature in my tale but doesn't make it sad one. Everyone feels pain at some point in their life: emotional pain from bereavement; physical from injury or illness; mental pain from stress. They are all defining and shaping moments and thus play an instrumental part in our life at some point whether that be in the past: in living memory or even something that we are yet to experience. A famous philosopher Jeremy Bentham once said that two things dictate life- pain and pleasure and we avoid the former and seek the latter but I feel he didn't quite understand that sometimes we must live through the pain and suffering to reach the pleasures in life. I know that there are worse hardships to go through in life than what I deal with and I am content to live out my days as an ordinary, pain feeling human that leads a mundane life. I am proud to be normal. It is what makes me who I am; my normality is my defining future.
I find the same endearing quality within the humble day before; it's unassuming nature is what allows it to play such a monumental role in one's life. The day before is so riddled with normality it is truly the only day that can give an accurate portrayal of the ins and outs of what defines us. I don't believe that there is a more truthful depiction of one's character than how they act when no one is looking. Our behaviour when we are out of the spotlight. When we occupy our day with what is normal is possibly the one and only true representation of ourselves and what our life is like. That is what makes the day before so special, the day before my birth and my sixteenth couldn't be more different: in one I was an infant cocooned in my mother's womb, safe and secured and the other, I was in deep and intense pain. However, these two somewhat ordinary days are two defining moments in my story. In essence, these normal days make me who I am: an ordinary girl who is proud to be normal.
Lead Image Source: https://unsplash.com/photos/y83TaGzr3mk
Soul Tunnel
My family had just moved into our new house. It was a nice house, but it was almost too big. During the second night in my new house, I was brushing my teeth when I had noticed a tiny corner of paper sticking out from the bathroom mirror. I took a screwdriver and lifted the glass and discovered a detailed map to tunnels underneath the house. The next day, when my parent's were out, I decided to follow the map through the tunnels. The tunnels began at a hidden doorway in the basement. I had followed the tunnels for hours until finally, they ended. I couldn't believe what I had seen at the end of the tunnels.
I had seen this humongous room, with many figures dancing. I came all this freaking way! Just to see this! Random people doing boring dances!
I kinda imagine something like this but with figures dancing
I started to turn back the way I came from, but then I tripped over something that looked like a twig. I wondered how that got there.
As I came in contact with the floor there was a loud THUD. All faces turned towards me. I took a closer look at their faces, some had flesh torn off. Others had mouths that seemed to be ripped and shredded or their mouths were cut into looking like smiles. Their eye sockets were empty, and looked like they held the whole infinite universe inside.
"**H-hello**"*after I had said that they all started charging at me, I turned around and tried to go the way I came from but it was blocked. I saw they were almost 6 feet away from me. They soon came close and tried to punch me. But their body's went through mine, it felt like they were tickling me.*
They soon started getting frustrated and just walked away from me, and started dancing as they were before.
Since I couldn't escape I went to the benches to sit and watch. As I was walking closer I noticed a young girl, she looked normal. Her eye sockets looked like the others and she had older clothing, looking as if she were royalty. Her strawberry blonde hair was sitting on her shoulders with flowers in it, but the flowers were dead.
I walked up to her and sat down. She must have not realized I sat down because when she turned her head and jumped in surprise. "How.... How did you get here?" She looked surprised to see me in a place like this, probably because everyone here was dressed so formal and I was wearing my hoodie and jeans at the time.
"Well you see, m'lady! I was following this map thingy and I wound up here!" She looked at me dead in the eyes, and looked at as if I was lying or something... Rude she got up off of the bleachers, she spoke with a quiet voice saying "We need to get you out of here or else you will be dead like me, or they will take your soul." She turned around and started walking when she got closer to where the figures were dancing, they all hissed and screamed at her. Ana jumped back frightened because they could harm her since they both are dead.
She stomped her way back to where I was still sitting, smiling at her just to tick her off. She crossed her arms and rolled her eyes, honestly I didn't think they did thay in the time she was alive.... Huh
She grabbed my wrist and hauled me off of my bum, as soon as I was standing she got all up in my face and started speaking, more like angrily talking I guess, she stated she had a plan. The plan was that we could dance like them but dance all the way across the room to get to the other side. I didn't know what was over there and I didn't want to know, but maybe that could let me get home. I hope I can take her with me. She is sooooo cool!
We were dancing but my hand kept going through hers so we just posed and tried to dance. She would drift away from me as we were dancing and the souls or whatever noticed and tried to attack her. Of course, me being a hero! I had run up to her and we pretended to dance again. While we were dancing she told me her name, well what she could remember of it... Her name was Ana!
After what seemed like forever of dancing, we had approached the wall across from where we were sitting. She walked in front of the wall, started feeling around and kicked a part of the wall. After she kicked there what looked like a small door opened. She turned around to face me and said, "t-this was a servants crawl space they use, follow it to the end of the crawl space and you shall arrive back in the hallway. I now must say goodbye... Goodbye." Ana started walking away from me, I sprung forward and grabbed her wrist. '
"Wait! Why don't you come with me, you can be like my ghost best friend and we can do all these things that best friends do. *PLEASE ANA*! " Ana looked back at me and gave me a soft, sympathetic smile.
"I'm sorry but if I leave here I would have to go to heaven, I don't really want to go and see my family there and I don't think they would like to see me so.. If it means I am doomed here for all eternity then so be it! And I can help all t-the people who get trapped here like how you did, get sent back to their home!" Ana was crying and I didn't know what to do. So I just tried to hug her, which made her start to cry even more. Ana's tears were black, and somehow it became a solid liquid and stained my shirt but I didn't care. Her strawberry blonde hair was a mess. An idea popped into my head.
"How about before we leave we can do something that best friends normally do." I suggested hoping she would say yes. Ana stepped back to look me straight in the eyes, "And what is that? If you don't mind me asking."
I bowed to her and simply suggested, "well, may I braid your hair so then you may always remember we at least did something that friends do together!" Ana laughed at me, as she wiped her tear streaks that were sitting on her cheek.
"**Okay**, **just so you can be happy**." *Ana said with an adorable smile*.
I was so excited that I plopped down on ground and intensely patted the spot in front of me till Ana sat down. As I started braiding her long hair, I asked some questions. I asked Ana about the ghosts dancing and and she simply replied saying that they were from her family's best memory they all had together. Then corrected me saying they were the restless souls of the people who were killed there.
I then asked Ana a different question, and it was one that had really got her attention, "what do you remember before you died?" She seemed to be taken back by that question, she started slouching, tears starting to form in her eyes, and Ana sadly spoke " I remember there was a revolution and my family and I were relocated to our safehouse. These people who took us there tricked into believing that we were being relocated for our safety and we hoped to be granted asylum in another country and gathered us all in our basement and shot us dead" I did NOT expect that of all things, I imagined her maybe dying of natural causes, but that was a little messed up! I wanted to test something....
"**What year was it when you died**?" *She may be the Princess Anastasia who knows I heard about this theory before maybe it did happen!*
"**The year was 1918**! Now I believe it is time for you to leave!" Ana stood up from where she was sitting, she turned around and grabbed my arm pulling me to the crawlspace. I fought her, I didn't want to leave her. i realized that for some. Reason, with Ana actually being able to physical push me, she had made herself solid so I could do her hair and now, so she could push me. At the last second I had before I went in the crawlspace I grabbed Ana's hand pulling her with me.
I opened my eyes and looked to my side and smiled. There Ana was, laying next to me looking more like a human than she had before she was even wearing normal clothing. Her eyes suddenly fluttered open, she had very beautiful blue eyes. She turned her head to face me, when I came into her view, Ana quickly stood up and was frantically looking around. I stood up next to her and she was about to run away but I hugged her before she could leave. Ana trashed around and struggled to get away from my tight hold, she gave up a few minutes later. She turned around to face me and started yelling stuff at me. I wasn't really listening to her because there is no point, I just had to let her get all her anger out and then forgive me. She abruptly slapped me across the face, bringing me back to reality.
"**DOU YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF WHAT YOU HAVE DONE**" Ana was glaring daggers at me, she was really scary! I shook my head no and she raised her hand to slap me but instead she started crying, normal tears. I instantly, hugged her, to which she flinched. "What's wrong?" I honestly thought she would get over it and be happy to be out of that place, but it seems as though I was wrong.
"Now that I have been out of there I have to go up to heaven to see my family again," she whispered and was crying even more. "I don't want to see my family. I let them down I couldn't talk them out of believing those people. I bet they going to be embarrassed of seeing me because I couldn't do a simple thing." I was rubbing circles on her back hoping to comfort her.
"You couldn't help them see the danger they were in. They just chose not to listen to you. It isn't your fault for their death. It was their fault for not listening to you when you warned them" before I had the chance to finish comforting her my family busted through the front door. I picked her up and carried her to my room just across from Where we were standing. Once I was in my room I yelled to my parents that I was feeling sick and I'm going to sleep for a ling time, and they didn't question it. "I believe that in a few minutes I will be taken to join my family." I looked back to Ana and saw her sitting on the bed, I walked over to her and sat down.
*I suggested we should watch a movie, Ana agreed but warned me that she may get taken during the movie.*
Time passed and near the end of the movie there was a bright light and Ana was being raised off of the bed and to the ceiling. She looked down to me and smiled. "I guess I see my family, I hope to see you soon.!" She dropped something on my bed and then she was gone.
I was frozen. I couldn't even tell her goodbye. I remembered she dropped something and I scrambled to find it. It was a beautiful necklace with a gem on it. I still miss her to this day but I know I will see her soon."
All the children gathered around me gasped, some had glossy eyes others were crying. One kid stood up "*Do you believe it was the Princess Anastasia*? " he asked. Many others agreed with him.
"I believe it could have been, but we may never know for sure." I said getting many groans from the children. I saw the young girl who is taking care of the children walk up to the circle of children, "Alright stop bugging Mr.Buraginsuki with all those questions! Now it is time to go inside and eat your soup!" All the children sprung up from the grass and started running to go inside to get their food, and she was following them back to their house.
I looked up to the clouds and I swear I saw Ana looking down on me.
I smiled and waved to her. I held on to the necklace she left and let a tear run down my face.
**I will see you soon! I said aloud.**
Lead Image Source: https://unsplash.com/photos/_jmagbo2dnk
Take note:
This kinda based of a dream I had, I wrote down what I remembered and added more things into it!.
I had fun with this one.
Thank You to my new sponsor @Eylz2021 @immaryandmerry God bless you all 🥰😘
If I Could Go Anywhere In the Past.
Have you ever wished you could travel back in time? How about inventing a time machine? If a time machine had been invented, I would go to an extraordinary place in the past, like sutter's Mill in 1848. Do you know what important event happened there? It is a highlight of our history. If you guessed the Gold Rush, you're right! One important event in California history is the Gold Rush! It covers the time when James Marshall, the owner of Sutter's Mill found a piece of Gold on his land. He shared the news and soon everyone was invading his territory trying to get gold. If I had a time machine, I would travel there, to sutter's Mill, and mine for gold.
But guess what? A few days ago, I found a really giant machine in my tree. It probably happened to fall from a UFO or something. I was going to try to travel to Sutter's Mill, which is where I want to go. I really hope it's real. Quaking with excitement, I quickly climb up the low, thick branches, and navigated through the small, higher ones. I reached the mysterious block the size of a refrigerator. I quickly noticed a button I hadn't before. Under it, a small note was attached. It read:
**Dear User**,
`This time machine can only travel back in time. Use this controller to go back to your present. Once you travel, the current world will freeze, and you will come back to the exact same world, nothing changed but your memories and knowledge. Think of the place you want to go and the date, and push the red button. Do not speak of this to ANYONE!`
**The note wasn't signed**.
"**Oh well**," **I thought**, "**let's do this**!" I quickly thought of Sutter's Mill in 1848 and pushed the big, fat, red button. I closed my eyes and waited. Nothing happened for a count of three. One. Two. Three. I opened my eyes in dismay. Nothing?
Just then, I was pulled into a swirling vortex. I felt like my life was being reversed. The time machine pulled me through time so fast. I felt like my stomach had been left behind. I was spit out on the riverbank of Sutter's Mill, stumbling around, nauseous. I straightened up and glanced at my surroundings. This was sutter's mill all right. I found a pan and a shovel in my hand, and wondered what to do with them. I looked around and quickly caught on.
I quickly bought a claim with some gold dust that had appeared stuck in my pan. I dug into the soil, quickly shaking the dust to the bottom and washed all the dirt out. After no time, I had a cup full of gold dust.
I grinned in delight. I was right to come here. This was fun too. But, I was hungry, I found a wad of old cash in my pocket which the people probably used back then, and paid for the delicious home cooked meal. The food here was pretty much the same as home, and for a second, I felt homesick. I shook away the feeling and wolfed down the rest of my food.
I thanked the chef and exited the restaurant and was surprised to find a heavy backpack on my back. Maybe I just hadn't realized it before. I found all my tools back where I'd left them. I took all the things out of my backpack. There was a big tent, a box of matches, a pack of extra clothing, and my favorite modern snacks. Maybe the inventor of the time travel machine sent it to me. I headed back toward the river, glad that I chose such to come before most people did. Suddenly, I saw something big and shiny gleaming, reflecting the light of the sun in the river. I dashed to the edge and picked up a lump of gold, as big as my fist.
"**A gold nugget!" I yelled, "I found a gold nugget! Eureka! "**
Some people rushed over and told me to smash it. Confused, I took my shovel and did what they said. It flattened on the ground.
"**It's as flat as a button! It must be real!**" Someone from the crowd exclaimed.
A few people tried to trade something for it. I shook my head and refused. The crowd soon scattered. I kept digging, hoping I could take all of this home.
A few days later, I became homesick, and wanted to go home. I had many dollars worth of gold from selling stray cats and digging. A futuristic control appeared in my hand. It had the same red button, and I instinctively knew what to do with it. I gathered all my supplies, and stuffed them into my backpack, ready to make one last sale to earn some gold.
"**I'm selling this claim for a cup of gold dust!**" I shouted to no one in particular.
A man walked up to me with his dog and told me he would take it.
He offered me two cups and I took it. I closed my eyes and pushed the red button, thinking of home, hoping I'd appear at the right place with all my supplies. I wanted them. I braced myself and this time, a portal appeared. Instead of sucking me in, I jumped through and landed in a soft patch of grass on my front lawn. But I had no backpack. Just a small purse that weighed a lot. I took a quick look inside and- yes! My gold was inside. I ran into my room and placed the tools and the gold on my shelf. This would be a memory that I would never Forget.
Lead Image Source: https://unsplash.com/photos/jGN7JUKZcU0
Than You @carisdaneym2 @dziefem @Zhyne06 sa pag Sponsor Godbless po sainyo🥰
Thank You din po sa mga nag Upvote ng mga article ko 😊
No Name
**My heart hurts**. It stings, and it burns. I hate that my heart hurts. I hate it. My heart should've never gotten this hurt. And whose fault is it? Mine. My fault. I let him in. How could I let him in? He was just a boy that I met on the internet. But was he really? Why did he have to have so much importance? Why did I ignore him?
His name was evan, and I met him on some chatting app that my friend hannah had introduced to me. He had popped up in quick add, and of course my naive self added him. He instantly messaged me with a simple " **hi** ". We had chatted for a little while. He seemed like a nice person, and was interested in the same ideas that I was. He was also around my age. But to make sure this wasn't some crazy pedophile, I asked for a video chat. He agreed and I luckily found out that he was not a liar.
*He had golden brown hair, with piercing blue eyes. His skin was moon white, and he had little freckles on each side of his nose. And his smile-****God his smile****- was the most extraordinary thing that a person could ever look at. Every today I can remember the date that we first started talking-* ***january third.*** *I knew I loved him.*
From then on, we talked and talked. I told him everything. Everything. I spilled my heart out to him, and he did the same. He was perfect, but he didn't think so. Evan suffered from serious depression. He was constantly fighting the urge to die, and I didn't understand it. Today, I do. He was so sad all the time. All I wanted to do was take his pain away. But I couldn't even see him. I lived in south Carolina, and he lived in California. Why did he have to be so far?
Everything was going okay, until it wasn't. Ten months after Evan and I started talking, my mother died from a hit and run. It happened fast. There were no days at a hospital praying that she would get better. There were no news reports, and no defibrillations. She never even got the chance. There was no confession from the person who did it. The police looked back on the tapes from the telephone pole and could only make out that it was a male figure. That man is a coward like the rest of the people In this simple minded world.
The point is, my mom was my everything. And when all of that was taken away from me, I slipped into a dark, dark hole. So I stopped talking to Evan. How could I talk to him? What could I say? Tell him that I felt the same way he was supposed to be the broken one? Why did he have to be so broken? Why did I?
Why. It's all I ever ask but not once have I gotten an answer. Yet still, I continue to ask, I won't stop. I wish why never existed so that I wouldn't have countless questions with no answers.
One month after Evan spammed me, he spammed me again. That time the voicemails were different. In every single one of them was crying, and begging for the forgiveness that he did not need. He was desperate, and begging for help. Still, I ignored them. Like I was some sort of Goddess that deserved everything good and couldn't possibly deal with people that were below me. But the thing is, he was below me. He was a skyscraper and I was just a tiny birdhouse. He was the definition of perfect, and me? I was the definition of mistake. Maybe I knew it the whole time when I was talking to him or maybe I didn't, but I for sure know it now.
*Two days after he spammed me for the second time, I received a message on facebook from his mother saying that he was dead. He killed himself. He killed himself and it was my fault. I had ignored him. I should've never ignored him. I can't live myself. I hate myself for what I've done.*
It's been a year since he died. The world is abominable and grievous, and I just can't take it anymore. Its as if I'm looking through a kaleidoscope, and every color I see is a different emotion. Except my kaleidoscope has only two colors blue and black. Blue is for sadness. The terrible, terrible sadness, that couldn't possibly leave. The kind of sadness that is visible. Everyone can tell that I'm sad, and I hate that too. I cannot escape this sadness. It is everlasting. Black is for loneliness. Because no matter what I feel, I will always feel alone. Yes, I have friends. But my friends could never make me feel like I belong. I am constantly stuck in a state of sorrow.
I long for happiness. For my pain to go away. I no longer can remember the days that I would smile or laugh. Now, my days are filled with agony. I am constantly fighting a war with myself.
*My father says that I have depression. The definition of depression is feelings of severe despondency and dejection. Despondency is a state of low spirits caused by loss of hope or courage. Dejection is a sad and depressed state; low spirits. I do not have low spirits. My spirits are very high, because I do not want to feel the way that I do. Therefore, my father is wrong. I do not have depression. This world is just not my place. But it was his.*
**This is why I am currently standing on the roof of a two**
Hundred foot tall building. I have decided that it's my time to go. I don't deserve to live after I've killed someone. And I have to give credit to the firefighters and police officers all the way at the bottom of this building. They really are trying to save me. But sadly, they are too late- everyone is. My decision is made, and I'm going to jump. I hope that I get to see him and tell him how perfect he is.
I lifted my foot off the rail, and fell back against the wind. The more I fell, the louder it got. And then, I was gone.
Lead Image Source: https://unsplash.com/photos/4jy1DQKmX2w
Better Job in a Good way
Ang pagiging mekaniko sa isang motorcycle shop ay hindi biro, makikita mong madali pero mahirap kapag ginagawa mo na, kaya ang akala ng ibang tao na madali lang ang kanilang ipagagawa yun pala ay mahirap dahil hindi naman basta basta ang mag ayos ng isang bagay na nasira lalo na kapag hindi mo ito napagtuunan ng pansin.
Ang pagiging isang mekaniko ay walang katapusang pag aaral
Kailangan mong pag aralan ang lahat tungkol sa mga sasakyan upang magawa mo ng maayos ang iyong trabaho.
Hindi din dapat mawawala ang **Quality** sa ginagawa mo para matuwa ang mga customer mo at para lagi nilang balik balikan ang serbisyo mo sakanila.
**Honestly** isa din ito sa mahahalaga bilang isang mekaniko dapat honest ka sa iyong customer upang mag tiwala sila sayo.
ang importante sa isang mekaniko ay ang **tiyaga**, **pasensya**, at **diskarte** kung paano mo ito magagawa ng maayos upang matuwa ang iyong customer.
"**Tiyaga**, di mo malalaman kahit gaano kahirap ang iyong ginagawa kahit gaano ito katagal gawin kapag may sipag at tiyaga may magagawa."
"**Pasensya**, kapag nahihirapan laban lang pagpasensyahan mo lang mapag tatagumpayan mo din yan."
"**Diskarte**, dito hindi puro lakas, bilis ang iyong kailangan gamitin pag aralan at pag isipan mo kung paano mo ito didiskartehan ng hindi ka mahihirapan sa iyong gagawin.
Nakikita mo sa kanila halos lahat ng mekaniko sa isang motorcycle shop ay puro madudumi dahil madumi ang kanilang ginagawa at sobrang hirap , ginagawa kasi nila ng ayos upang ang mga motor ay maging okay at hindi magkaproblema.
Ibat iba din ang mga pinagagawa bawat customer depende sa mga kanilang ipapagawa meron nagpapa wiring ng motor para mag install ng kanilang busina or mga dagdag ilaw sa kanilang motor.
Ito ay hindi din biro dahil kailangan kabisado mo ang color coding ng mga wire hindi basta putol o tap lang sa mga wire dahil once na magkamali ka posible na masunog ang wire ng motor mo na magsasanhi ng pagkasira nito.
Mahirap ang maging isang mekaniko sa motorcycle shop yung ibang mga tao minamaliit nila ang mga ganyang tao dahil ayan lang ang kanilang trabaho hindi nila alam sa kabila ng kanilang paghihirap ay marami silang napapasayang tao at natutulungan bukod sa naayos nila ang mga nagpapagawa ng motor quality pa ang gawa.
Tignan mo ang kanilang mga kamay halos sa sobrang dumi hindi na nila ito mahugasan kahit sila ay kakain ng tanghalian dahil ito ang kanilang nakasanayan. Ang kanilang kasabihan bakit pa maghuhugas madudumihan din naman agad.
Minsan sabay na sa hapunan ang kanilang tanghalian kasi mas priority nila ang kanilang customer na maayos agad ang pinagawang motorcycle.
Maraming tao ang mapang husga batay sa mga nakikita nila kahit hindi nila alam kung ano ang pinagdadaanan sa buhay.
Naalala ko nung nakasakay ako sa dyip pauwi samin nakaupo ako sa likod ng driver para madali ko maibigay ang aking bayad, maya maya biglang huminto ang dyip dahil may sasakay pag tingin ko sa mga pasahero bakit biglang nag layuan yun pala ay sobrang dumi ng taong kasasakay lang, napaisip ako at sinabi sa aking isip na, Bakit? bakit kailangan nilang pandirian ang ganong tao? samantalang nagtatrabaho sila ng mabuti para sa kanilang pamilya at hindi masama ang kanilang ginagawa kaya lang naman sila nadumihan dahil mekaniko sila ng mga sasakyan.
Alam kong alam niyo bilang isang mekaniko ng isang sasakyan hindi ito biro, ito ay napakahirap halos karamihan sa mga nagiging mekaniko ng mga motorcycle o kotse ay walang pinag aralan kaya todo sipag sila upang ang kanilang ginagawa ay matutunan agad dahil may mga customer na masungit at maselan sa kanilang sasakyan.
Delikado din ang kanilang ginagawa madalas naiipit ang kanilang mga daliri sa kamay madalas nagkakasugat sila madalas Madumi sila bukod sa delikado apektado din ang kanilang kalusugan mga usok ng sasakyan na nalalanghap nila mga maduduming kamay ang gamit nila sa pagkain nila, diba kung iisipin naten ng mabuti kahanga hanga talaga sila.
Akala ko dati madali lang ang kanilang ginagawa kasi kung titignan naten parang simple lang pero sa kabila ng lahat yung akala naten na madali lang mahirap pala talaga kaya sa lahat ng mga mekaniko kahit gaano man kadumi ang inyong ginagawa, yan ay isang malinis na paraan para magkaroon ng sapat na pera para sa pamilya.
Naisulat ko itong artikulo dahil ako ay nakapag bantay na sa motorcycle shop habang nag babantay ako pinapanood ko silang gumawa dahil don humanga ako kasi kapag may natatapos silang gawin sobrang tuwang tuwa ang mga customer meron din ako na encounter na customer maselan at masama ang ugali sa mga tao sabi sakin ng mekaniko ganyan talaga bilang isang mekaniko dapat malawak ang pasensya mo at magaling ka makisama sa tao simula non habang nag babantay ako kapag wala silang ginagawa tinatanong ko sila kung gaano kahirap ang kanikang ginagawa dahil habang pinapanood ko sila parang ako yung nahihirapan hindi sila kasi makikita mo sakanila nakangiti palagi kahit na nahihirapan sila.
@Caroline17 💌
Absurd Person Singular
When we were younger we were always asked the same old questions, what were our fears, our aspirations, what made us tick and what kept us awake at night? These questions don't simply disappear, they aren't left behind us we mature into adulthood. No. They cling to us with desperation and they refuse to be forgotten.
They dictate us, our fears that is, but no more than our hatred does. It is one thing to be so terrified of something that it renders us motionless and turns us into a pathetic excuse for a sentient being but it is another matter if we harbour so much animosity, so much raw guttural loathing for something that it morphs us into a henoius, uncontrollable beast. We never truly lose control though because hatred is more powerful, more complex than that. We fuel our hatred with every passing moment, our actions reflect that of our hatred somewhere deep down we do condone our actions but fear is paralytic, fear is a loss of control. Anger on the other hand is a surge of oppressed emotion and there is no escaping the fact that they are our emotions. To deny that would be to lie and there is no greater crime then lying to one's self.
Of all my hatreds darkness is the simpliest of all. The very meaning of darkness is the absence of light. As light is one of the worldly things that I crave it is not something that I wish to be rid of anytime soon. The fact that something exist that can extinguish the light is a hatred and a fear in itself. I desire much that is linked to light, a lighter burden and a lighter continence but light isn't the only thing that can help me; confessions are meant to rid a person of their burdens, to ease the mind- so I confess, I have self-diagnosed lyssophobia
**Lyssophobia** is the fear of losing one's mind. My mind is my fortress, my place of refuge. No one can take it from me so what scares me most in the whole entire would, surpassing anything I may feel towards darkness, is insanity;for without my mind I am nothing. I don't fear much, not even death is inevitable. Death it the uniting factor between all living creatures -the fact that one day we all end- and humans have to cart around the weight of this knowledge but between losing my mind and looming presence of darkness I am not sure I have the capacity to worry for anything else.
The freedom that light brings entices me the most and solidifies my fear and hatred for darkness. Freedom comes with a lighter domain to call my own, one that is rid of all the tempting evils that I am susceptible to on a daily basis.
What gets me more though then the darkness is my hatred of it- it is irrational, illogical, and absurd. I can't stand illogical happenings. Everything has an explanation even if humans haven't yet been exposed to it. This hatred though, this fear, it is unexplainable and the worst part of it. All is that the only thing to blame is me-the cause leaving me in quite a conondrum. So what I truly wish for is a utopia, perfection here on earth for perfection is in the eye of the beholder and so the world, my utopia, would be perfect for me and my wondering mind and therein lies my second hatred.
My hope hangs on unreachable perfection, a non existent place- a utopia. For this the joke is on me for ever believing in a utopia or perfection on earth - humans are incapable of perfection. The very word utopia was first used back in the sixteenth century and even then the man who used it said it as a joke, a play on words. He created utopia from the greek word eu-topos which, rightfully so, means a good place but an almost identical greek word existed- ou-topos meaning no place or nowhere. The greeks had an evil sense of humour that has been lost on generations of dreamers who hung onto the promises of a good place and people watched on without even having the decency to tell them that it was all a joke, a rouse. Utopia is a good place that it is not even a place.
Alas, a stupid hatred of utopia and the false promise of perfection is just that, false. To have a hatred, even a disliking for a word so plain, it doesn't even rightfully qualify in the spectrum, it is more of a pet hate if you will, and it is inconsequential in the grand scheme of my life.
The dark and all its foul maliciousness in reality is but a figment of my imagination and I am the intistigator of all the mess and chaos that that roams my head- for it is in fact my head not anyone else's. I have come to see that darkness was never something. The dark never even existed. Instead it is just what is left behind in the absence of light. You can't chase it away, you can't remove something that is merely the absence of something; no you can only replenish what has been lost, bring back the light. If then, the world was to be rid of darkness the light would become constant, nothing would be left to hope for.
I mean do we not watch the sun set in hope that we will live to see its
fiery mass rise above the horizon once more. Without the darkness there is nothing left to hope for, nothing to live for- we world just be. Night would turn to day and the day would never again yield to night. The stars would be forever lost to the human eye and the moon would never again illuminate the world in the dead of night. Only the greater light would remain, the smaller one would be lost to the heavens and night and day would no longer be two; no separation would be left just one singular dominate light.
The definition of darkness is the absence of light, you cannot see the darkness, and darkness cannot exist without light and it cannot be explained. It only comes when everything else is gone. Darkness is nothing and yet it is everything. It consumes all and at the same time devours nothing. The world operates on a matter of balance, if one force outweighs the other it all comes crashing down. So maybe we do need the dark for without who will fight for the light?
@caroline17💌
@Caroline17
