Do you know what it feels like to constantly cry all the time, when you are alone sitting on the edge of your bed with your head in your hands feeling numb but crying and crying and crying? Feeling like such a burden, massive failure, a big big big dissapointment all the time, this aren't all what we with depression feel there are so much more, you feel like you are hated by everyone, you feel that if you killed yourself everything would be fine, that no one would even notice or care. You feel constantly sorry all the time with no reason at all most of the time. Your sleep is disturbed and you have a fucked up sleep pattern because of all the thoughts that constantly are in your head, there are demons and voices that constantly remind you, "you are fat, you are ugly, you are not wanted" etc. For us with depression it is horrible because sleep is an escape for us, well it is me, well it is meant to be because when I do sleep I am not depressed or hurting or mad or even angry or scared.

Feel I am are: fat, ugly, a burden, a failure, that no one wants me, that I should die/ I need to, that everyone would be so much happier if I wasn't here, that I am such a dissapointment, that I am big mistake, that I am a mess up, that I am a messed up, that everything is my fault, that I am not good enough, and never will be, that I am useless, worthless, unloved, unwanted, a misery to the world and everyone, unimportant, unheard, invisible, stupid, hated, pathetic and so much more.

I feel so down and drained all the time, I hate when people ask "are you OK" because it is so tiring lying all the time and saying "yes I'm fine" when I know that I am really not fine. When I was younger I always used to think that it is so sad that most babies are so happy, like they are giggling and smiling all the time and then when they grow up, some of them have depression and anxiety which makes them feel like they cannot even smile anymore, and so when I was younger I thought I will not get like that because it makes me sad knowing that when people are babies are they are so happy and then become so sad, but look at me now!

Having the constant feeling of wanting to die is horrendous, I go to bed wanting to kill myself and when I wake up, if I get sleep I wonder why I didn't kill myself the thought, is their everyday!! Every second of every minute of every hour of every day. I think of ways I could kill myself, actually a couple of times I have tried it and I ended up in hospital, it is horrible because you cannot help the way you feel but when you are in hospital you feel like absolute shit because it is like the nurses and doctors do not care for you as much, well it is true, because they are in their trying to save lives and now they have to look after you who has just tried to take their own life. It makes you feel so stupid.

It is hard because with depression it makes me not want to leave my bedroom at all, it makes me not want to communicate with anybody, I feel so hurt because I hurt my foster carer because sometimes she thinks that she has done something wrong because I will not talk to her but she hasn't and that hurts me that I am making her feel like that, and that shows that I cannot do anything right. Sometimes people really do not understand if they know that you have tried to kill yourself they will ask you why you did and you will reply well you told me to be happy and they will go off on one and they just will not take time to understand where you are coming from, when all you really want is for someone to understand what is going on and to help you so you are not alone, because I always feel like I am alone and I'm telling you to have that feeling around you all the time isn't a pleasant feeling.

Anxiety as well is difficult to live with it is basically having a constant fear of everything around you, it is like if you are waiting at a bus stop and trying to hide yourself as much as you can because you feel that everyone is starring at you and talking about you, or talking to someone and trying to be blunt and not talk as much because you fear you might say something wrong, I constantly worry and that worry is always there, it never goes away. I always sit there and overthink every single thing, sometimes it will make you feel like people are going to leave you, you might start to feel abandoned, I sure as hell do. Having anxiety makes me feel like I am being followed by a voice every single moment of the day and the voice knows what all my insecurities are and the voice uses them against me.

No one really understands when I cut either, I wish people would understand how much of a relief it is as well. Ok so I am going to say something and try to imagine it, I would say close your eyes but then you can't read the rest of the words to know what to imagine, here goes, imagine that you are in a very dark room and your legs and arms are handcuffed to a chair and the door has 100,000 locks on and imagine that the air is slowly being sucked out of that room and you are starting to suffocate and just as you are about to take the last breathe the air quickly gets put back in, imagine that relief you would feel, finally getting some air, now that is what you call relief isn't it? And that is what I or anyone else who cuts feel.

Some people think that depression is just being sad but it really is not just that I am such a hypocrite, I will talk people out of suicide, I will lift them back up when they have fallen down, when they put themselves down I will tell them that they aren't what they say, they might say their ugly and really there aren't no one is, only me!, I will always try my best to make people feel better about themselves but yet I can't even do any of that for myself. I cannot talk myself out of suicide! I cannot do any of that stuff. It always starts a something small, like I do not want to do my work today then It might go to, I do not want to go to college, then I do not want to see any of my family or friends I just want to stay in my bedroom, then I do not want to go out anymore, then I do not want to eat, then I do not want to get out of bed, then I do not want to wake up, then it will end up being I do not want to live anymore I really don't.

People say that I am weak because i let everything get to me even the slightest of things, but personally in some way I am strong because if I am wanting to kill myself that shows that I am finally strong at something... That I am strong enough to let go!!.

Everyday I hide my pain and sadness with a big smile to cover up what is really going on because if anyone knows like my friends then they will run the opposite way, I'm sure of it. I have to hide how broken and depressed I am. Sometimes I feel sad for no reason at all and that is why I cannot explain it to people like my foster mum because I do not even know why, I mean half of the time I do and half the time I don't, but I can't tell anyone why because they will not care anyway. Everyday I feel that I am getting worse and worse and nothing is helping me, I feel like it is too late, my foster mum will tell me that she thinks I am getting better but I think that I have just gotten better at hiding it because if she doesn't know then she will not have to worry will she?.... Nope!

I always feel so low and I get so easily upset, I feel so tired all the time, and I get so abusive to myself. When I feel like this I cannot concentrate on anything, I have no motivation for anything and I just feel like complete shit. Everyday I will come home from college and look in the mirror and cry or want to cry, I just feel so ugly within myself, I feel like I am dead.

I was seeing someone from healthy minds and she was from the NHS and they try and help you over a six week period but that is the only time you are aloud, six sessions and they are 1 hour long, they didn't help, I'm far from saving if I'm honest with you but that is in my opinion. So healthy minds referred me to CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) which I see a nice lady from there she is doing good it is nice to be able to talk to someone who understands but I still feel like I am getting worse, they want to put me on medication and I am hoping that works because I do not want to carry on being as depressed as I am everyday.

If you know someone out there that has depression or anxiety, sit them down, talk to them, let them know that you understand them in a way, and reassure them that you are not going anyway, let them know that you will always be there for them.

If you ever need anyone to talk to, please feel free to speak to me because trust me I understand a lot.

Lead Image Source: https://unsplash.com/photos/j8a-TEakg78

this is my entry to @JonicaBradley prompt about "Darkness".

I am grateful to @Jane because I am one of the ones she tagged in her article so I thought the Topic in my Article was Depression and Anxiety .

I FOLLOW THE RULES:

• Write anything about darkness.
  

• Write 100% original content.

• Write at least 600 words

• Tag @JonicaBradley