Crying, my mom told me,

"Go to sleep. I will be leaving abroad when you go to sleep and will be back when you're already a teacher." - my mom told me back when I was still in third grade when she had a really big fight with my dad.

I could still remember how scared I was to go to sleep at that time thinking that she might not be there when I wake up. I got so scared and my mind was travelling to places thinking how long it'll still take before I become a teacher because, I was still in 3rd grade at that time.

I hugged my mom really tight and tried so hard not to fall asleep so she won't leave. I ended up falling asleep though since back then, I still didn't have the vampire power that could stay up all night like I have now. Luckily, she's still there when I wake up.

Starting that day, one of my greatest fear was really losing my mom. I didn't realize yet back then that losing her forever will be a lot more painful than losing her for abroad.

My mom passed away last June 16, 2020. I was 24 years old back then. I was sleeping and was waken up by my aunt and the first thing she told me was,

"Your mom is gone."

When I heard that, I felt as if I had woken up the night my mom told me she was going abroad. My whole world has just started to fall apart and all I can do is to just cry it all out. The whole day of that day, I was processing some papers for her funeral but my tears really just won't stop falling to the point that people from the places I have gone to kept asking me if I was okay.

Of course, I wasn't.

My mom was diagnosed with cancer and the doctors said it was already Stage 4. They never figured out what kind of cancer it was though since, due to the pandemic, the processing of things and lab results were too slow.

HOW I COPED WITH IT

Sometimes, I still feel like my mom is just in one of her trips away from home and that she will just come home one day but sometimes, when I'd realize she's not coming back anymore, I would feel devastated about it. I'd end up missing her so much and crying because I want to be able to see her and talk to her.

Being the eldest in the family, all my mom's responsibility is on me now and I am not used to it. I used to be just an easy-go-lucky kind of daughter. I spend my earnings here and there and everywhere. And now, my life seem to have turned at the total opposite angle.

I have a dad and 4 siblings to take care of. I am still coping with it and haven't totally coped up with it yet. I am still struggling to straighten up my life and trying to figure out how to do this and how to carry this huge responsibility.

But I know I have to carry on. I have no choice. Sometimes, I'd think I am doing good but sometimes, I feel like, there is a lot more things missing.

HOW MY FAMILY COPE WITH IT

My dad hasn't moved on from it yet. He keeps on playing computer games just to forget about what happened and it is so hard to talk to him since then. He's laughing with his play mates but I know how hurt his heart is. I know how heavy the burden is. He doesn't even want us to clean their room yet nor get rid of my mom's clothes. He doesn't like going with us on family outings because like what he always say,

"I don't want to go because you know it's really your mom that I always go with whenever there are outings."

I have a 23-year old sister, a 22-year-old brother, a brother with special needs at the age of 16 and my youngest brother is still very young at 11 years old.

Sometimes, we tend to fight because my dad seem to be still stuck at the situation and he feels like it was just him who lost something. We tend to quarrel about it because it wasn't just him who lost a wife. We have lost a mom, too. And it will forever be a wound in our family that we will be brining for the rest of our lives.

People say, we should be happy when people die because we know they are already in a better place now. We, Christians, believe that dying is a happy moment since the person is already going to his/her eternal home - in heaven. But, it is so hard to be happy when it is you who lost a loved one. Yes, I know she is in a better place now and that she isn't suffering anymore. But to us who are left here, we will always be sad for her loss.

My mom and I still have a lot of plans. We still plan to go to Korea together and I still wanted to make her feel like a queen on my wedding day but I guess, all those plans I shared with her, I will be doing it on my own now and just look up to the skies wishing to see her there waving at me behind those thick clouds.

Sometimes, I'd wish they would have Facebook Messenger in heaven too so I could just video call with her from time to time. But sadly, there don't.

TO MY MOM,

I hope you are proud of me.

I hope I have been the daughter you've dreamt of.

I hope you are watching at me now.

I hope I will get to see you again one day.

If only there is something I can do to bring you back, I'd do it.

To whoever you are reading this now,

If you still your mom with you, cherish every moment with her. If you keep fighting with her, apologize and hug her tight when you still can because one day, in the day we least expect it, when God will ask them to go home, you will regret the things you haven't done with your mom. Because losing a mom isn't just like losing a pen at school that you can just replace any time you want.

Losing a mom is like losing the most precious gem you have in this treasure chest called - LIFE.

So, treasure her as much as you can when you still can!

Love lots,

Jane 🌻🌻

I just want to take some time to thank the people who supported me on this platform, THANK YOU!