Although I am always smiling, very few really know how I am feeling, at times I think that I can't give any more, the desire to continue fighting is often extinguished by the cold reality that knocks on my door every day. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think that life has given me strength, that it only happens to me, that maybe I can't do it anymore. At times I just want to lose myself in a search and not keep fighting against the current, to go far away where no one can see me, where no one can hear how I cry with sadness and agony. Although it seems more like a melancholic book, that's how my life is.
Luckily I had the good fortune to have my daughter born several years ago "8" to be exact, who today has become the only person who can give me light in so much darkness. My daughter Tiffany fills me with hope every day even though it has not been easy for us, when you have a child, your life changes completely, starting with the fact that it is not only about me but also about that little innocent baby who now depends on us. So a big part of my life has changed, even though I still have hard knocks and often feel that I can't do it anymore, when I see that innocent face full of joy, love and hope, I say to myself, "Of course I can!
In short, like many of these mothers I have had to lead a life alone with my daughter, being a father and mother at the same time, for me it has been a challenge, partly because I got pregnant at a very young age, I was 17 years old and I was pregnant at that age, for me at that time life was over, I was too young to be able to take things in my stride, I remember thinking so many things, I felt at times that I despised myself, I felt that because I had taken care of myself I had given myself a baby that would suffer because I was so young, thank God my thoughts were only thoughts, after my daughter was born that night, I knew what I had to do, get up from that bed and move forward. All for that beautiful girl who looked at me when she was born and in her eyes I could feel the greatest love on the planet.
8 years have passed since that night of teaching, my love for my daughter is growing more and more every day, it is interesting to think how love gives us hope, fills us with life, above all it motivates us to keep fighting, we can be like a boxer about to fall in the ring, we can feel how the transport of life leaves us waiting every day but... it is enough that those sweet eyes look at us and say "mom calmly, everything will be ok", I don't have to be a philosopher and even less a scientist to deduce that my daughter is the energy that nourishes my body every day, the battery of my heart that allows me to keep on fighting, saying every day, Yoja, don't give up.
When I was younger I always heard adults say; "for my child, I am capable of anything, for my child, until the end of the world, for my child, I will keep fighting until I can't go on anymore" and when I heard these conversations I just thought, really, if they are crazy, to fight for someone else? I really don't think it will happen... Now everything I thought I was incapable of doing, because I have become this, I don't regret anything I have become. Pity that the father of my daughter, did not deign to go ahead with me, maybe he was enjoying the same pleasure as me, a child will not fill the emptiness of a partner, maybe because it is different but, a child can satisfy that desire to love and be loved. Maybe that's why I see so many mothers alone with their children.
Since then I have decided to take advantage of every day with my daughter, the greatest blessing is to have her by my side, although I always fall back on thoughts that make me a little sad, I have a greater motivation every day, which is my beautiful and beautiful daughter.
Each photo with my daughter immortalizes our existence, moments together that we enjoy to the maximum, the union between a daughter and her mother, I can not say that I do not need to have a partner, I can not deny that my daughter every day fills me with much more love. I know that I can trust her blindly, that every day when I wake up she will be there, that in the darkest moments, her light will illuminate my path like the sun. Because no matter how bad things get, nothing else matters if I have my daughter.
Never before have I felt so much self-confidence, thanks to being able to face so many anxious moments, alone with my daughter, it has made me feel that every step I take is as firm as lead. There is no need to embellish my expressions because all you see today is what I am feeling.
Going to the beach in itself is fabulous but, going to the beach and enjoying myself with my daughter is priceless, this day at the beach was great, Tiffany showed joy at first sight, I wish I could fill her with more moments like this, although it is not easy for me to achieve it. The base of teachings that my daughter now has are the right ones, she knows the reason why we don't go out as much, so many blows that we have taken together have made her mature much more, a big part of me is a little sad about that, my psychotherapist recommended me that it is healthy that a child can live his stage quietly, the problem lies when I can't give him stability because I have so many things to do and I can't cope with it. It really hasn't been easy for me, I don't want to be pitiful either. I have had to live this life with a company that is worth every second.
Due to my economic situation I had to leave my native country, Venezuela, I do not recommend anyone to do so unless they really like solitude and a carefree life. I was 8 months out of Venezuela without being able to see my light my daughter, every day for me was eternal starting from those endless nights, to the coldest and longest nights and days I had ever lived, the biggest pain was not being able to have my daughter by my side, having to see her on a phone and have her tell you, mommy, when are you coming? Mummy, I'm coming, are you coming? Questions like these that I know what the answer is and you don't know how to say it without causing pain and even worse without feeling pain. It is not easy at all. The agony of loneliness riddles you and if you are not really strong at heart you end up suffering from the ice syndrome.
On the other hand, being alone has made you think about things much better, you learn to know yourself, perhaps because you have enough time to ask yourself so many questions that you manage to introspect about yourself. In moments of loneliness I came to the conclusion, that no matter the circumstances, no matter how difficult things are, even if our morale is down, our spirit is not strong, our heart is broken. As long as we are alive, we have a chance to try again, get up and keep going is my motto.
So I decided to return to my homeland, tired of suffering in solidarity in that other country, so cold in all aspects. I knew what I had to do, to look for my daughter at my mother's house and to keep on fighting but with my daughter by my side, it seems unbelievable, being far away made me want to be closer to her and not to stay away anymore. I was not wrong about that thought, I have managed to establish myself in my life, even without a partner, it is not something that keeps me awake at night. We'll see what fate has in store for me later on.
To think that as an extra bonus life gave me a niece, a little tenderness that already calls me aunt. Children, nieces, nephews and grandchildren... They are the engine of many families, I can say this in all seriousness, I affirm it, these two babies, came into the life of my family not only to make any members, they came to give life, to give joy, to give reasons to move forward no matter what.
My niece is not yet two years old but she knows where to look for me and ask me to hold her, ask me to take her somewhere and even make me jealous of my own daughter. They are truly the greatest gift a mother can receive.
Those who are mothers and who, like me, have had to live through so many hard things, maybe they are just tests, maybe their moment is about to arrive, they should not give up, they should go ahead with their children, they are a blessing and above all they are the ones who make true happiness possible. That unconditional love of mother and child, that bond for life that seals the true union of love. There is only one "Mother and children" have a happy day.
Wonderful blog my friend. God bless your fami