I Suffered from Depression

I'm a 16 years old male student from Philippines. I'm a noise.cash user too with my same username here. I'm posting some random motivational thoughts there but behind that I hides the deepest secret. I suffered from depression. Do you ever think the feeling that there's wrong with you?

It's more than sadness.You suffered from this but you didn't know. Saying to yourself that your okay but the truth it's not. Your afraid to open to your family nor friends because you think you can stand alone. A mental illness that slowly killing your body emotionally. So, I will share to you how I thinked I develop this, the effects of this to me physically and mentally and how I coped with this illness without any help except God and without professional attention.

How I developed Depression?

Too much using cellphone

I thinked this is one of the reasons. Last year, I'm addicted with online games to the point I sleep lately and forget to eat and drink. My cellphone is just resting when it's charging. That I'm afraid when I can't find it and frightened when my guardian confiscated it.

Pressure, Stress and Worries.

There are many reasons why I pressured, stressed, and worried and two of this is the financial problem and complying school works. I came from a poor family and I'm lonely when I saw my Grandma worrying about money. Another one is complying school requirements at a short period of time. The feeling that you want to shout and wish that it ends.

The effects of Depression to me Physically and Mentally

I Lose too Much Weight

Before this pandemic, my weight is accurate and comply to BMI (Body Mass Index). But now if you look at me, I'm so thin. Everyone noticed it. My Grandma said that it's too much using cellphone but it's more than that. Sometimes, I'll made myself hungry but I didn't know why I do that. I want it to explain to her what I feeled but I'm afraid that she will not understand. That she will say to me that I'm stagy or exaggerated.As a result, I remained silent and fight it with my own.

It's Hard for me to Sleep at Night

When night comes and it's time to sleep. I can't sleep. My eyes are closed but my mind is opened. I'm thinking and worrying very much. Sometimes, I experiencing night sweat. I do everything to sleep. I drinked water. I made myself calm. Thinking good memories but it doesn't work. The worse is when my headache attacks. Sometimes, I'm crying and praying to God that "Please, let me sleep.". Sometimes, I thinkedI didn't sleep the whole night and I can't work. But still, I work and pretending I'm okay. Why?Because my Grandma will notice it and I don't want her to worry.

I Losed Confidence and Self-esteem

When someone is saying "Why are you so thin? I'm just shrugging my shoulder but deep inside I'm ashamed on myself. When we have visitors, I'm hiding. I'm afraid that they will judge me. I hurted myself sometimes, asking "why it happened to me" while tears slowly falling down. I wished I could back myself before. My body, my confidence, my happiness before. The before ME.

How I Cope with Depression?

I strengthened my mind.

I engraved to my mind that I will never quit. I will never commit suicide because I'm so stupid and weak if I do that. I'm already a sinner and I will commit more sins if I do that. Even though I'm depressed, I'm still a God -fearing person. Beside, my family hopes that I will change our situation right now by completing my study. Like I said before, we're poor.

Minimizing the use of cellphone

I minimized the use of cellphone. I used it 10.00 a.m or 11.00 a.m in the morning( Philippine Time Zone) and I doesn't used it when night comes. I also quitted online games even though at first it's hard for me. In my own opinion, I think I'm growing and shining when I got the victory but in real life, it's not. I'm just making myself addicted. Yes, there are many became rich and famous because of online games but I have no future on that. My suggestion to who are reading this who love online gaming, complete your study first because it's better. After that if you really want to become a professional gamer or streamer, chase it.

I Made Myself Busy

Before I use my cellphone, I worked a lot. I'm doing some household chores and recreational activities like dog walking and exercising. When I feel that I'm so stressed, I'll go to forest to unwind and calm myself. There's a forest in our place. Seeing the green surroundings while the wind whispers is totally a calming and stress reliever one. Another stress reliever is our dogs-Lesley and Siota. Sometimes I talk to them and play with them to reduce my stress and forget my worries even in a short period of time.

And now, I thinked I gradually recovered, but not finally. Hope that it will continue until I fully recovered. I'm not having a hard time to sleep at night anymore and also I take some weight. My best suggestion to who are suffering and reading this is faith and prayer with God. Yes, they are invisible but they make impossible things possible. I fought it with my own and no professional care because we have no money. Remember, it's not our fault. Depression doesn't leave my body. It's just finding a perfect time to endure my body again. And that time is when I'm weak again but I'm not frightened because I know God is with me. To all who are reading this, you already know my deepest secrets that lies in the bottom of my heart.