Language narrated English, Filipino

(Inspired from Moira's song, Paubaya)

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Every woman wished to be someone's first and last love. Luckily, I experienced both with the man I've been dreaming of. His name is Lawrence.

I met him when we were in College. We were classmates since we both pursued the same course. I could still clearly remembered how our first conversation went.

"Hi!"

That was his first word and who would have thought that the simplest, most basic word by a stranger will soon turn into a man whose words and actions will mean the world to me. He then asked me sincerely if I could be his girlfriend.

At first, I was uncertain and afraid to answer him because the bitter memory of my father leaving my mom kept on flashing back. I was afraid that I might shared with the same tragic fate that my mom had experienced.

But still, he pursued me although I am emotionally unstable and messy. So yeah, I became his first girlfriend. I gave him his first kiss, his first love and his first in everything.

Our relationship went smoothly until we graduated in College. It even progressed to wedding plans and preparations.

Naging mabilis ang mga pangyayari hanggang sa ikinasal na kami ni Lawrence.

The first four months of our marriage life went well naman.. not until he became cold for no reason. Tinatanggihan niya ako pag inaaya ko siyang mag mag make out kami. But I respect him. Baka kasi, hindi pa siya handang maging ama.

Dumaan pa ang ilang taon at wala pa ring nangyayari sa amin ni Lawrence pero hindi ko na 'yon inisip. Ang importante ay magkasama kaming dalawa.

Hanggang sa nalaman ko na lang na may sakit pala si Lawrence. The doctor told me that he has complications in his health because of too much stress and sadness.

Kaya napaisip ako. How can he be stressed when I gave everything to make him happy?

At bigla ring sumagi sa isip ko, naging masaya ba talaga sa akin si Lawrence? After all these years?

"I want to be completely honest with you, love.."

"What's the problem, love?" I managed to speak despite my aching throat.

He stared at me in the eyes with so much sadness and it broke me.

"The real reason why I get colder to you is because... I'm still in love with my childhood bestfriend. Akala ko makakamove-on ako if I will divert myself to someone else but it only complicate things. I love you Cyrel but my love for you wasn't enough to heal me and forget Fraenzel. Nanatili lang ako sa 'yo dahil sa awa at respeto. Awa kasi kahit papaano ay minahal kita at respeto kasi ikaw ang asawa ko."

My mouth slightly parted at the words he uttered. I never expected this to hear. Ramdam ko ang pamimilipit ng dibdib ko sa sakit. Pero imbes na magalit ako sa ginawa ni Lawrence ay nangingibabaw pa rin ang pagmamahal ko sa kaniya.

"Kaya ba ayaw mong bumuo ng pamilya sa akin kasi umaasa ka pa ring babalik siya?" I whispered and there, I bursted in tears.

He just nodded in response and I could feel my chest being squeezed tightly.

There's a moment of silence between us. Words are so hard to swallow. Every chew feels like thorns in my heart telling me that it's over.

"Thank you for your honesty, Rence," I whispered, feeling defeated. Napangiti ako nang mapakla sa kaniya habang may luha sa mata.

"Chase her, Rence. Hindi ako magagalit o magtatamin ng sama ng loob. Pero pwede bang sa akin ka muna habang hinahanap mo siya?" I desperately asked, tears forming in the corner of my eyes.

"Don't worry, I would not make this situation hard for you. Ipapaubaya kita sa kaniya kapag bumalik siya," sambit ko habang mapait na napangiti.

Kita ko ang pagkislap ng mata niya. Ang sakit lang na minsan ko na nga lang siya mapasaya, sa paraang pagpapaubaya pa.

Makaraan ay tinupad niya ang hiling ko. Habang hinahanap niya si Fraenzel ay sa akin siya nananatili. I witnessed how he searched the whole area of Manila just to find his childhood bestfriend despite his health issues.

Nakita ko mismo ang eagerness niya para mahanap ang bestfriend niya. At wala akong magawa kundi ang hintayin siya kung kailan siya uuwi.

But despite everything, I still played my part as his wife even if he's not playing his role as a husband to me. I prepared him foods, wiped his sweats and gave him massage whenever he got home.

How stupid I am that I'm still hoping that maybe, if I do my wifely duties right, shower him love and cherish him with all my heart, he would stop searching for his bestfriend and just focus on me.

But I've come to a realization that no matter how we treat that person special, if he's not in love with you, all your efforts will never be enough.

Makalipas ang ilang buwan ay nabigo pa rin si Lawrence na mahanap ang kaniyang bestfriend.

Pansin ko na rin ang pagpayat niya at ang kaniyang panghihina. Dahil sa kondisyon niya ay namalagi siya sa ospital habang kasama niya ako. What pains me is that, I was there beside him all along who takes care of him but his mind flew to his bestfriend who never on his side during his success and his low times.

"Please search for Fraenzel, love. That's my last wish before I die..."

The clock ticked so fast that we didn't notice how Lawrence's vitals dropped slowly.

Hawak-hawak ko ang kamay niya habang umiiyak. Sobrang sikip ng dibdib ko habang naluluha but I still manage to plaster a smile at him.

"Don't worry, love. I will search for your bestfriend even if that would breaks me into billion pieces. I don't care if your happiness would give me pain in return," I whispered weakly.

Kaya lahat ng oras ko ay iginugol ko sa paghahanap kay Fraenzel. And I found out that she's in America living peacefully and happy with her own family.

Funny how this girl messed my man's mind and stole his heart with ease even if she's from afar

I told the news to Lawrence and everything just worsen. Nawawalan na ng ganang mabuhay si Rence pero hindi ko pa rin siya sinukuan.

"Kahit tatlong kutsara lang, love.." I begged in desperation.

"Wala akong gana, Cy..." he whispered weakly.

Hindi ko na napigilan ang mapaluha.

"Pa'no kung wala ka na? Paano ako?"

I can't help but to get angry at him. He's just so selfish.

"Tulungan mo naman ang sarili mo, Rence! Hindi ko kayang ako lang mag-isa ang lumalaban sa ating dalawa!" medyo pasigaw kong sabi habang naluluha.

"I'm sorry for being selfish, love... P-Please accept my apology before I rest." Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at may tumakas na luha sa gilid ng mata niya.

"I'm really sorry.. Sorry for not being a good husband to you, love. I'm sorry for everything. Just promise me that you will be happy without me. Promise me that you will find a man who will cherish you wholeheartedly. And please, promise me that you will have kids and have your own family because you deserve all the happiness in the world, love. I'm so sorry because I'm not the right man who can give those because I was still stucked from my past."

Tuluyan na akong napaluha habang hawak-hawak siya. Pakiramdam ko'y hinahaplos ako ng kaniyang mga salita.

"Pinatawad na kita noon pa, Rence. Matagal na kitang pinaubaya. Ang mahalaga sa akin ay minahal mo ako kahit sa isang saglit at panghahawakan ko 'yan hanggang dulo."

With all my bursted tears, I hugged him tightly. Ibinuhos ko lahat ng emosiyon ko habang yakap-yakap siya. But there he was, still thinking about Fraenzel.

"For one last moment, please tell Fraenzel that I love her so much. She's not my first nor my last but she's always been my true love, Cy. I love her until my last breathe. Please let her know.."

The way he spoke those words is so damn heartfelt. And there, I slowly accepted everything between us.

Ako lang ang una't wakas, pero hindi ako ang totoong mahal.

I put up a good fight. I even lost my worth in the process. I did everything but at the end, I still couldn't win against his ALMOST.

And suddenly, I realized that we should not settle to be someone's first and last love. Be the someone's greatest love— the person who holds his mind and owns his heart.

Unfortunately, I'm not that woman.

It's Fraenzel.

And in between first and last, she played as the greatest love of the man I dearly love.

-The end

Author's note

• Another fact, it doesn't matter if you are his first love or last love, the only question that matters is "Am I really his true love?" Don't settle for that little position, try to be his greatest love so that there's no regrets in the end.