The Sinking into Chaos...

Dear Diary,

I have missed you. It is NaNoWriMo and my relationship with words is currently on the rocks. I feel like a slave while picking up a pen or zigzagging my fingers on a keyboard to type sentences whichever the form.

There is a gapping hole where my heart used to be and I can bet that the scattered mess clogging up my chest is what is left of it. I feel numb. And broken at the same time.

They say that love can't be love if it does not do things like rip us open and poke on our vulnerabilities to bringing us to our knees and rendering us humble.

I must be on my knees.

I can't really tell.

Everything hurts.

Migraines are playing the enthusiastic signals reminding me that my head ain't no chimney. I have heard my lungs complaining of being too overworked of late too. I am looking into it.

Darkness came back. Our relationship is helping my inner critic amplify a few I told you sos'. It is aiding my being by fueling her unwillingness to forgive me. I am sure it will take time to convince her that I can take care of her or us.

Doesn't she know that I want to want to get better. That I have been wanting to meet my smile again. I just don't remember how to or where to.

Light can been seen on the horizon refusing to set like the sun disappeared in the West. My efforts to invite her back home has been met by my defiant self and her reawakening trust issues.

I have meditated. I have tried to disowning my own pain. Neither works! I have only ended up drowning in my own tears over and over again. Its like pain is glued to my bones just like my flesh.

I wish I was ready for the coming two weeks.

It is that time of the year again. The season where as Jacaranda's bloom ceases, unanswerable questions linger on my overthinking mind a little longer than necessary.

Her anniversary comes before her birthday.

Two days before.

Is that a coincidence?

I wonder.

Like how can one die two days before they are reborn?

This one will hit harder.

I can feel it. And I am afraid I am not emotionally fit to deal with all of it.

Thirty seven has been here for just for two weeks. I am sad to report it has just been out here dishing out salty tears.

Reawakening fears. Boldly making threats to drag me back to hell.

Currently fighting for my headspace...

Walls are going back up. Fast. I can feel my inner child stealing moments to take in what it is like to be wild and free. Like the old days... but there is also an understanding of the need to stay hidden!

See you soon. Hopefully.