The Covid-19 Pandemic: Did it make you or did it break you?

Who would have thought that 2019 would give all of us the greatest plot twist?

None of us, unless we have been gifted with the gift of prophecy, could have guessed that it would change us and the rest of the humanity. With the ever rising number of positive cases, the word quarantine has become a common thing that year. Some people lost thier jobs while others lost thier loved ones. Some businesses were shut down while others were able to make profit by selling the so called COVID essentials. Some people grew more in their career by working at home while some slacked down and experienced a major decline in terms of career growth. These and many others were some of the disadvantages of the pandemic towards all of us.

Alongside with these many struggles I am certain that we all have individual struggles too. One time, I had a friend who gave a talk at church and she asked a question that I had never forgotten. She asked all of us in the congregation," what have you become because of the pandemic? " That question stirred in my mind for a long time. Even when I got home after that church service, I kept asking it in my head. It caused me to look into what I have been through during the two long years of COVID Madness. It made me evaluate behaviors and challenges that some people went through. In short, that question, asked by my friend allowed me to have a retrospective vision of the years that passed by.

And so, today I wanted to share with you some realizations that dawned upon me because of that inspired query.

Let me begin by posing the question again in my own words; did the pandemic make me or did it break me?

Well, I could say that it broke me first so I would be made meaningfully whole again. The "break-me" type of thing happened to me so that the "make-me" part could occur.

In simpler words, I had been broken numerous types during the pandemic.

In those two long years of uncertainty and volatility, I almost lost my marriage, I almost lost my family and I almost lost my sanity. Lets go over these things one by one.

I almost lost my marriage.

We were married last 2019, so when the pandemic hit, we were married for more than a year already. In those times, I have felt the joys and sadness of marriage life. The rollercoaster ride of "getting-to-knows" and "getting-alongs" has been challenging but at the same time fulfilling. For me, who yearned for a life-long companion and marriage, the adjustments looked petty. But for someone who thinks that marriage is a trophy, coping stages would be annoying. When 2020 were drawing to its end, things unnoticibly changed without both of us knowing. We became at ease with silence after getting into an argument. We became fine if we won't talk for days. As I turned to heart-to-heart talks with my close friends and deep studies for sanity I did not know that my husband found comforts in the sweet words of a girl friend from a social media app. I have been broken a thousand times with his infidelity but I have also learned so many things. Looking back, I realized that the pandemic played a role in that difficult moment. The quarantines, the lesser exposure to people, the long hours of being at home, the accessibility of social media and its immediate gratification and many others were drivers of the infidel acts. I can attest to what Cheska and Doug Kramer said in an interview with Toni G in her famous talkshow, ToniTalks, to not be comfortable with silence. I testify to that because I had experienced that. Me and my husband were too comfortable with silence when we have fights and it led to many things that could have been avoided if we communicated with each other in love and honesty. Because we became fine with not talking for days after a fight, my husband found a breeding ground for his disloyalty and infidelity.

I almost lost my family.

With the heartache that resulted from the infidelity, I was ready to throw the towel and be a single mom. I sent my husband away. I cursed him and hated him so much. He had no choice but to leave us for two weeks. And those were some of my loneliest days. Typing this now, I can still feel how my chest hurts on those days, knowing that he is not around. I was so hard on him that time. I can't seem to forgive him. And though his absence in our home were the most difficult , it was also a teaching moment for me. His absence showed me how difficult life is without him. Not in terms of money but his presence alone made me feel secured and complete. Because of that realization, I swallowed my pride and picked him up despite the shame. Things were not easy even after my move for reconciliation, but it was worth it because I still have my family until now. I am more than grateful, that my God illuminated me in those dark days. Had I not been showed the the right thing, I could have lost my greatest treasure- my family.

Looking back, I can also see the contributions of the worldwide pandemic to why I almost lost my precious treasure. The pandemic can make you think that you'll gonna be fine as long as you have a gadget and a wifi connection. That you'll be happy still even if you dont have a family. Our dependence upon the online world can make us forget that we live in an actual world. Nothing in this world can replace the real and lasting joy that our family relations give us. Surely, they are irreplaceable.

I almost lost my sanity

With all these things that were happening to m to me like an avalanche, I was in the edge of getting crazy. I was barely holding everything together. My thoughts were so destructive and suicidal. Mornings and late nights that once used to feel like home, felt like torture for me in those days. My chest felt heavy and sad. It felt like my chest is literally torn apart. I lost my anger management and I couldn't control my emotions. I can still remember how I told one of my colleagues that I never thought I would be in a state where I struggle so much in keeping my sanity. My 5-year old self surely have never thought that she would be calling herself nearly crazy when she reaches her late twenties. I have never thought of reaching this, and no one would wish that any of us would reach stages like this. But in the advent of the worldwide health crisis, most of us were gripping to our sanity like a last dime. We all struggled in keeping a healthy and productive mind because of the many uncertainties that the crisis gave us. Some of us succumbed to insanity while others battle with it every single day. It is sad to think that even though this pandemic is almost over, its effects still lingers.

It is my hope and wish that we all get over the effects of the malady that hit us. May we rise from it and be our own victors. I know it won't be that easy but it sure is possible. Hope we all get the healing that we all prayed for.

Love,

Betha