I don't like this Christmas- random blog

December 25, at night,almost midnight. I lie in bed, I read the posts on noise.cash, the articles here, and a storm of mixed emotions swirls in me.

It’s all about Christmas and of course I’m mostly posting about it too. And that's okay, it's Christmas.

I see beautiful decorations, happy families, fantastic gifts. I'm glad they're happy. But I am sad that others are happy but I am sad. You could say it’s not right that I shouldn’t be envious etc ... Actually one day I complained about something and got a comment that at least I wasn’t hit by a typhoon or flood or anything like that. uhm ... well I really feel sorry for every single person who is injured or whose home is injured. I was very worried about you when I read the posts with tears in my eyes in a row about how bitter and strong the wind was and they were afraid and I could only hope that no one would get in serious trouble. But I don’t think I should feel bad because I wasn’t there and should be happy with all my problems just because others have bigger problems. Of course they're bigger, and I'm sorry ... but hey ... I'm off topic, I'm sorry.

So this Christmas sucks. I got into a Christmas mood early this year and longed for a nice Christmas, but it didn’t. I close the door and try to stay awake until my partner gets home. Because he didn't take a key with him, so I have to open the door for him when he gets home at dawn. Or I should sleep without the door locked. Where is he on Christmas night? I do not know. I asked him where he was going. He didn't tell me. It’s also a kind of answer, and I’m probably not even curious about the real answer. I'm a little glad he's not home now because when he's home he always finds a reason to scold me.

I actually hate that Christmas is not about I am excited unpacking my gifts, or that I’m excited to watch others unpack the gifts they’ve received from me. It’s not about the family being together and eating delicious food, listening to pleasant songs and laughing happily around the Christmas tree. Rather, weeks before Christmas, everyone discusses who gets what as a gift, and especially what the value is. If not then I go to the shops completely unthinking and try to find the right gift. No one helps me figure out what to buy, no one helps me take it home and pack it, and of course no one helps me pay for it either. I mean, I also bought the presents for my own family and for my partner’s family. Me who is otherwise unemployed, I who also buy food, who cleans the apartment and raises the child. I am not a believer that it is a woman's job in the household and a man's job is to make money. Money is not common in our households. My money is mine, my partner's money is his. He pays the bills, I pay for the shopping. But should this really be the case with higher spending? (gift to 11 people, $ 20-70 per person) Now you think I'm only interested in money. Not really, because I don't have much. haha ... the only trouble is that i don't get support in deeds, emotions or money, but i get scolded for every imagined or real mistake I make. Is this fair? Is this how it should work?

Of course, there are also nice moments. When I see the joy on my son's face. He's the most important thing, he's the one I do all this for.

I saw someone write in a comment today that he hadn’t received a gift for Christmas. I was thinking about how bad my Christmas is and how shit my life is. But someone didn't get a Christmas present. How sad! I don’t know how sad it makes him, but it made me a little bit. I gave him $ 2 with a QR code. That’s not much, of course, but that’s all there was in the walletom. I thought the amount was not the most important thing, but perhaps the gesture. It’s not the point, it’s that when I sent that $ 2, $ 4 appeared on noise.cash.

I don't know if it's a bug or he really got $ 4. Like I told you, I only had two dollars in my wallet, so it’s not possible I sent it twice. Maybe it’s a Christmas gift from noise that has doubled the amount given by the QR code? Or just a bug? Anyway, I was happy.