How can I escape from Envy

Hello readers, it's been a while huh? I'm glad that I recovered my password here in this platform, my fingers wants to talk instead of my mouth about how I feel this past few weeks. As you all know, I am a 3rd year college student from a renowned university here in Davao. I am a competitive, and a persevere one.

The real reason why I decided to write my personal problem here instead of opening it to my friends it's because they are the reason why I feel this negative emotion, yes as what you have read in the title, the negative emotion that I am referring to is being ENVY. I don't want them to hate me, I am afraid to be misjudge, and they might not listen to me. I love them so dearly and I am afraid to lose them.

I really lack self control, I hate losing, I hate being left alone, I hate being a stupid one, I hate everything that hurts my pride. Yeah you can call me a prideful one but I highly admit it. I want to get rid of this bad personality of mine because it feels like I am dying inside and the pain keeps on piercing my heart at the same time my mind went go crazy, then self-pity came afterwards.

I badly want to release all of these toxics in myself but I don't know how and the worst thing is I am a follower of Christ, I don't want to call myself a Christian who fakes her smile and emotion infront of other people, I want to be a person who is transparent. A person who is driven with kindness, patience, humility, open-mindedness, and love.

But the chains of jealousy, envy, and pridefulness keeps on holding me back. I pray to God fervently, and kneel down before Him, asking for His forgiveness so that He may change my heart. But I realize that God has given me free will to change my fate and whole being. But still I don't know how to start it. Please help me, I don't want to suffer this bad feelings alone. I don't want to end up being alone because of these negative emotions.

It's early in the morning, and I wonder why I immediately open this site rather than those apps I've regularly visit. I didn't have a good sleep since then. It keeps on bothering and haunting me at night. I need a light to redeem me from the darkness. I can't do it alone, I even distant myself to my friends because I don't want them to see me like this. I was full of hatred right now, not because of them but because of my own self. I have no satisfaction, full of anger, loneliness, and I am crying inside, it so painful and I am literally in pain. Oh God when will I be free...

Thanks for spending your time reading my concerns hope you will help me to finally escape from these killers.