I'm a victim of a judgmental society

Being born in a society full of judgmental people worries me a lot, not just for me but for all who have been victims of first and critical impressions of others. We might say that it is not that we are judging them because we are just telling the truth based on what we observed but how sure are we that what we see in that person is the truth? I mean I can argue that if you admit that what you see is the truth because your eyes don't lie, then how come you believe in such things that you can't even see or touch?

I am writing this article to enlighten the people that not all we see is true and not all we witnessed should be shared with one another, more importantly not all we observe needs to lead to what we think they are. My dear readers, this article is about to open your eyes that sometimes our judgment and our chosen words can hurt people around us and worst, it can also cause death to anyone.

I have been struggling with the poor judgment of people towards me ever since I was young. It's about my gender identity and preference along with my physical appearance and body gestures plus the tone of my voice. To be honest, I used to get hurt, discriminated against, and bullied because of these characteristics. I don't know what's wrong with their judgment, now that I'm in college and I'm used to what people say about me, I don't care anymore because if I think about it every single day, I would have gone long ago, I would have killed myself because of humiliation but thankfully, I survive although the impression of these people is still there, but, you know when you already build so much strength to counter their poor judgment their words can no longer penetrate your heart.

Just to be clear, I'm a man both in physical, mental, and spiritual aspects. Meaning, I am attracted to the opposite sex. The thing is that I almost inherited all of my mother's physical appearance except that I am a male. So, I look so much like her, even my eyes are gorgeous enough to fit into a female face. I look pale and almost tried everything to look tan but every time I did it my skin just turns red and burned at the same time, I don't even use an umbrella under a scorching sun but hey, nothing changes, it's still milky, and my cheeks? Yeah, it always turns red even from the slightest increase in temperature. In addition, I inherited my father's mannerisms, so, as usual, I cannot alter those characteristics, well, maybe that's the reason why it's called mannerisms because you unconsciously perform them.

For those reasons, as I've mentioned in the second paragraph, I have been living with judgmental people around me to the point that I experience harassment and bullying both physically and mentally. Yes, I have been fighting these people with enough courage and faith so as not to commit suicide. Actually, I have another encounter two nights ago, there is this man who approaches my sister and ask about my gender identity my sister answered "his a man and in fact, has a girlfriend" then suddenly he explained his point of view from which I started to sit in front of him so that he will be intimidated and forced to talk continuously. He asks an apology after he explained his side and I exclaimed that it was nothing, not because it is as in nothing, but because I am used to that kind of poor-minded people.

On the other hand, I tried to carefully assess myself also, maybe I was the one who was blinded because I set this kind of truth inside my head and that should be the thing that I will always find as a truth. However, even if killed I killed myself from meditating and reflecting too much my identity as a man is still the same, I am still attracted to women and I cannot do anything about it.

You know what? It could have been much easier if you can easily open up to your family. The problem is they were the very first people to judge you. Yes, they don't react and keep their mouth shut but I know, and sometimes I heard they think the same as what the others. Well, I don't care because, at the end of the day, they also don't care what my gender identity is because we are family and they love me as one member of the family. Now, there is another problem and I think this is the most problematic, my aunties and uncles' judgment remains the same no matter what, at least that's true within the range of my family, and the most hurting is that they keep on sharing that information to their colleagues.

Thankfully, I'm still alive but this is not always true for all, there are other people like me who have been experiencing the same situation but unlike me, they cannot bear the cruciality of the situation and they think that there is no room for them in the society where peoples eyes are watching waiting to witness something that is unpleasant to their sight and poor minds then widespread the rumors around the whole village or town without even verifying to the truth. Due to this reason victims suffer not just from simple humiliation but from depression as well. This problem may arise to one single conclusion in the minds of the victims and that is ending their lives because there is no room for them, for us in this cruel world.

With this, I invoke your heart and mind to be mindful of the words you say to anyone, be wise in choosing the word when it comes to gender, and most importantly do not divulge any information that you don't have the authority to share with because one single mistake can cause one's life at stake. If you know something about the gender of a certain person and you know that you don't have a good choice of words and nobody is asking then it might be better to shut your mouth. One more thing, the absence of the person is not a valid reason for you to take advantage of sharing sensitive information about that person. Please be sensitive enough.

That would be all for this article, and I hope you learn something!