My views on marriage, and relationships (...) Part II

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2 years ago

Part II? Why?

In part I of the article, though intending to express my views, I got into one of the key events in my life which shaped those views. This event happened to form the pivotal point in my life financially as well, tying it in with the article Trilogy "My miserable life, a cautionary story!" which was generously rewarded by Mr. @MarcDeMesel )

Okay, this is part II but it ties into a trilogy. What's the deal with all the parts?

In that trilogy, the causes of the financial part of the misery were not described in much detail, partly because it was not that relevant to the point I was trying to make with the articles. In part I of this article two-parter those causes, or at least the pivotal one, got described in much detail despite that wasn't actually the point I am trying to make in these articles, ironically.

So that leaves me with the duty of describing my views on marriage and relationships, forged from pain, tears, and misery in part II of this article.

And yes, you're right, it is in this very article.

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I am in many ways old-fashioned in my opinions on this subject, but in many ways, I am also pretty much open-minded. I think it might be best, to avoid misinterpretations, to tell you exactly what I mean.

In "Normal" relationships in which both agree to share their lives forever, with marriage as a goal my views are as follows:

  • Man and woman are equals in a relationship. Neither one in the relationship should be forced to comply with the demands of the other.

  • I want a woman to be faithful to me, and only me. The woman can expect the same from me.

  • Either the man or the woman works to support the family. The one not working is the one responsible for the household (including the kid), administration, and things like that. If it's the woman who has a nice full-time job with a decent salary, that's fine, I'll do the cleaning, cooking, and caring.

  • The one not working full time takes care of the finances, and reports regularly and in detail to the other. A financial action must be discussed and agreed upon. Possession is shared. What is mine is hers and vice versa.

But unfortunately, or maybe, fortunately, I also believe that a person, or at least that I, will only marry once in a lifetime. The vows during the marriage ceremony, for me, are unbreakable oaths, and taking those without the intention of keeping them or taking them truthfully but breaking them is unforgivable.

No that's not right. It's inconceivable. It's not something I can understand considering, let alone doing. And that is the reason I will (probably) never get married again. I meant the "until death do us part" part when I took the vows, and I still do.

Yeah, right, you did say "EX-Wife" sooo....

But I am divorced, and that means that very little of the things I stated above applies anymore.

Sigh, then what DOES apply? Get to the point man!

Any relationship, and as I am straight, let's keep the topic on that kind of relations. For insights on gay relationships, ask my ex-wife (don't ask) is a completely free and open one with no expectations or commitment until and unless clearly discussed and agreed upon otherwise.

What I mean by that is that fleeting one-time fling things or in the heat of the moment situations are perfectly ok. I won't expect anything from a woman except that she does not expect anything from me either. I am perfectly fine with and capable of separating lust from love.

So no long term relationship for you then?

If I had the means for it, I would probably do the same thing @MarcDeMesel did and does when it comes to having a relationship. Take control of my life, relocate somewhere where there are options for a guy of my age and looks, and make it happen.

So you don't like the feminism in western society either?

I must admit though that the motivation for doing so is not so much driven by philosophy or principles on women or feminism, or because women in other cultures think differently about men and relationships like Mr. De Mesel describes in his article ( My motivation to find someone to share my life with through that method is because I feel lonely. I feel lonely a lot.

Huh, wait, what?

I'm pretty sure that no woman here is going to fall in love with me. Not in the time I have left in my life anymore. And even if one did, there'd be other hurdles standing in the way of a relationship.

Because. there have been only two women in my life that either loved me or fooled me into believing that they loved me. One of those two I married, and well....


we all know how that turned out. (read part I if you don't.)

TL;DR: My ability or will to believe a woman claiming to love me was damaged.

And after what happened with Mariska I finally gave up on love completely. Mariska was an ex-colleague who became a friend two years after my contract with the company we worked for had ended. We were good friends, though it's not like we were besties or anything like that. In all the time we worked together, lost contact, and all the time we were friends, I never allowed myself to admit I had feelings for her.

You're writing about her now, so i guess you found out at some point!

And Mariska never told me she had felt like that about me, nor did I ever even suspect that she had feelings for me. As I said, I couldn't even admit to myself I had feelings for her, so I guess I didn't want to think about what her feelings for me could be.

So I didn't know. All I knew is that suddenly she moved away and that after she moved away I couldn't reach her anymore. Her phone number was no longer working, and she never replied to my emails anymore.

Just don't think about it, that way it doesn't exist.

Like I always do, I refused to think about it and kept distracting myself so my mind didn't have the chance to dwell on things. That way I was able to put her out of my mind soon after that.

Until it suddenly does exist. Ouch!

I only learned much later, from her brother, that she had moved back to her parents when she couldn't hide her ALS anymore. After she moved her health deteriorated quickly and needed full-time care. Her parents cared for her until she passed away some months later.

The only person she had talked to about her feelings for me was her brother, but he didn't know how to reach me. After I talked to her brother I was devastated.

I was sad, angry, and.... confused. Because when heard about how she had felt about me I finally allowed myself to realize that I loved her as well, and that.....


Anywho... who? Ani!

(inappropriate Star Wars joke, I know! It's just how my mind deflects thoughts that hurt okay! Sorry!)

So..... back to what I was saying;

It took me a couple of days but I managed to drown my grief and my regret in copious quantities of Glenfiddich. Since then I've decided that love, romantic love, just wasn't meant for me, and I should avoid it at all costs.

I don't need to explain that doesn't exactly help on the feeling lonely issue making relocating to Africa to find someone to share my life one of the very few available options. Women here have better options here, even if I was rich, had awesome cars, and a huge house.

Hey dumb-ass, take a look around you. See a big house or cars??

Sigh.... time to come back to reality though. I am not wealthy, and I am unlike to become wealthy either. So no relocating anywhere for me, no nice lady either. I refuse to let that pull me down though. I can't allow myself to wallow in self-pity. I can't because I still have a Son that looks up to me. And I'll never allow myself to let him down!

Motivational Motto to motivate!

I stick to my motto which I have written on a whiteboard and placed next to the front door, and read every time I leave the house:

Kin omhoog, borst vooruit en blijf vechten!

which is Dutch for:

Chin up, chest forward, and keep fighting!

And I have set goals for myself, for which I work hard to achieve.

My boldest and most ambitious goal is for me to somehow get out of debt during my lifetime, for my son's sake. And I want to achieve that before he finishes his education.

I don't want him to remember me like... this...

I want my son to have memories of me, other than being poor and in debt. I want him to have memories of me maybe not being rich, but being debt-free and able to decide how to spend the money myself. I don't want him to remember me as a poor man in debt all his life. My greatest fear is that one day he would somehow come to me with an offer to help me with my debts or something like that.

So I keep working, I keep fighting and I keep my chin up, chest forward. I know I'll win the fight someday, and then all that's happened in the past decade was worth it.

In the meantime!

In the meantime, I shall find joy in little things. Things like being able to take my Son to a movie, or to McDonald's once every two weeks or so. That always makes him smile, and in those short fleeting moments, I am happy. That's what I look forward to, and draw the strength from to go on just a little more.

And right now, i can do that thanks to you!

So again i want to express my thanks to Mr Mark De Mesel, Pantera, Cryptomax. And most of all i want to thank YOU, the reader. Thank you for reading this article. I hope you like it enough to click a thubs up, or even sub.

Until next article!


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Avatar for AnonSunamun
2 years ago


Respeto mucho tu punto de vista sobre el amor y que desgraciadamente pienses q no estas destinado a no tenerlo.. Pero no amigo, no renuncies a ese sentimiento tan bello. No pienses que no lo mereces solo porque dos mujeres te fallaron, lucha por él, todos tenemos nuestra alma gemela, cuando vivimos en un ambiente de amor, con una pareja q sea recíproca, en ese hogar siempre se respirara armonía... Se fuerte y lucha por tu felicidad

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2 years ago

Respeto mucho tu punto de vista sobre el amor y que desgraciadamente pienses q no estas destinado a no tenerlo.. Pero no amigo, no renuncies a ese sentimiento tan bello. No pienses que no lo mereces solo porque dos mujeres te fallaron, lucha por él, todos tenemos nuestra alma gemela, cuando vivimos en un ambiente de amor, con una pareja q sea recíproca, en ese hogar siempre se respirara armonía... Se fuerte y lucha por tu felicidad

Gracias por tus palabras de ánimo. Pero creo que, sin embargo, dirigiré la lucha que me queda para lograr mis objetivos y hacia mi hijo. ¡Mantente a salvo, mantente feliz!

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2 years ago

i love this “Chin up, chest forward, and keep fighting” thats the spirit!!! i am a single mom of 2 wonderful sweet kids. i pitied myself before for having this kind of life. but my family and friend continue to believe in me and they urge me to keep moving and keep fighting. It was hard at first, but when i embraced the truth, i became more aware on what i can do as a mother. I taught my kids values and good discipline. for that, i am so proud of myself for raising them alone. but sometimes they ask me if im really happy, it saddened me, because they see right through me. Im unhappy sometimes being alone esp when i celebrate their birthdays or just having small wins at work. I look for someone who will celebrate with me too. I wish my kids will not follow my footsteps. Im not proud of my past but im proud to be their mom.

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2 years ago

Thank you for your encouraging words and sharing. You can be proud for sure, not just a single mom of two kids, but also a nurse! You truly are a powerful force! Believe in yourself, that's al you need, the rest you have/are already!

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2 years ago

My ears were at alert when you said "I want a woman to be faithful to me, and only me." But thank God you buttressed your point saying, "The woman can expect the same from me."

Thats nice. I followed the first part of the article. Lovely piece.

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2 years ago