December 15, 2018
Dear Diary,
Three days before our exam. Hmm. I need to have my review. But before that, I’ve dreamt of something, it was a night full of grieving and uh! I’ve dreamt that my mom died. A gun hit her in her heart. Slowly, I saw her dying. I also saw her pale face looking and even her last breath. It’s just painful. I woke up a bit worried a while ago because I’m really afraid that it would happen, no matter what I do to stop it, but I don’t know when. How did I know? Well, when I was ten years old, I kept on dreaming things simply about everything – about school, family, friends, even my pet cat – and all of them happened. I remembered dreaming about Whiskers. We don’t really have a cat at first, but I dreamt about mom and dad giving me Whiskers on my birthday. I waited for my birthday, June 14. Well then, I don’t really expect that it would happen because my mom really hated cats because I used to have asthma when I was at the age of three. Yet, my asthma was treated and until now, I am not already suffering from that disease. Haha. Going back on my birthday – my eleventh birthday to be specific – me and my family went on a restaurant to have breakfast and spend a majestic morning enjoying watching animals at the circus. After that, we went home. Then, I went straight to my room and changed my clothes because I feel not so comfortable with that clothes I‘ve worn earlier that day. Suddenly, my younger brother, Tristan, called me and told me that mom and dad call me downstairs. He said that they would give me something I’d really love. Hmm, I went downstairs and my dad placed a cute little box in front of me. I felt so excited so I immediately opened it. And guess what! It’s a cat!!! I screamed with all the happiness because my wish was granted. All I ever wanted to have during that birthday of mine is a cat. But wait, oh uh. I just remembered that time that I’ve dreamt of it and it all happened. But never mind, that’s not important any more as long as I have the cutest blessing that I still cherish until now that I’m already fifteen, my adorable cat, Whiskers. Oh, it seems like I enjoyed writing on my diary today. Hahaha. I have so much more to write but I think this time I first need to start my day right and eat my breakfast. Bye!
Sincerely,
Tina
December 17, 2018
Dear Diary,
Good morning! It’s Sunday and it’s more of a family day. We just got home from the church and the mall. Uhmm... Just a typical Sunday our family spends. Tomorrow will be our examination and I guess I need to prepare for that. I can’t be with my brother to play because I think I need to focus on my studies. I need to have my review. Last time, I didn’t really give a damn about these exams because I always wanted to spend time with my little brother rather than to review. But yes, because of being so lazy and a bit boastful, I received a consequence. Haha! I failed my exam in Math and it made me really really disappointed. Not to brag but I always used to take my exam in Math without reviewing because that’s totally my favorite subject and how should I say this? But I am really good at math just like my mom who’s an accountant. Speaking of mom, I remembered that dream about her again. Huhu! I remember her in that dream having a long, black hair. I told mom to cut her hair and have some hair color since it can make her more beautiful. She asked me why and I just said that it’s for her goodness and also so that Dad will be stunned and be crazy in love into her. And I’m happy that Mom did that but I don’t still feel secured. So I think I gotta go! I’ll just take a nap after reviewing and hope for the best the next day. WISH ME LUCK!
Sincerely,
Tina
December 18, 2018
Dear Diary,
I just got home from school. I think this day is not that good. I took my exams, spent almost half of my day doing my practicals, and went home receiving a message from my English teacher, Mr. Tim. I thought it would just be a reminder for our upcoming reportings but he said something that made my day a bit disappointing… again. He told me that I got the lowest score in our exam and he didn’t even expect that I’ll be failing the exam. Oh well, I don’t know how that shit happened. I reviewed well, I followed the instructions, but then the result surprised me. Not just me, but even my teacher. Uh! I think this is because of my dream again. I don’t know what’s happening but these past few days what I’ve been dreaming always happens once in a while. Earlier, after I took a nap, I’ve dreamt that my dad reprimands me for failing on my English test. And look! That shit of dreams happened after sometime. I can’t believe these are all true. Things get weird as days pass. It’s really unnatural, for these past years I am only dreaming – about things which really happen – for at least once or twice a month or every two months, but now, almost all things that I’m dreaming are getting true. For now, I’ll just sleep and do my routine. I think rest is what I need right now. Hmm, may I sleep safe and sound without dreaming of something that will eventually happen again.
Sincerely,
Tina
December 20, 2018
Dear Diary,
Oh, it seems like I haven’t wrote in here for days. Uhm, I just decided to enjoy the company of my own and stay silent about what’s happening but now, I can’t! I’m pretty sure that’s something is not right. I mean why these things are happening? I feel so confused right now and I’m clueless of what should I do. I think it’s not practical for me to tell this to my friends because they just might think that I am inventing a story because, duh! Who will think and believe that someone dreams of something and it eventually happens in an unknown place and time? It’s sooooo unrealistic, but it really happens. I don’t know what to do right now. I don’t know if I should tell this to Mom and Dad but I’m pretty sure that if I told them, they’ll consult me to a psychologist and think that I just need counselling or whatsoever. Argh! I don’t know what to do. It’s hard to decide. Yet I know that I’ll get through this. I know that I can. I’ll try to be positive more over that Christmas is coming. I really hope that bad things won’t happen. By the way, I am indeed excited for tomorrow because my friend Trisha will visit me in our house. She’s my long lost childhood friend who now lives in the province. But then, she and her family will visit us here tomorrow. Goddamn! I’m so excited. I missed my friend so much. I will tell her many things. We will talk for a long time. Even though, I still hope that everything will perfectly fall in to place. I wish everything will go right.
Sincerely,
Tina
December 21, 2018
Dear Diary,
I didn’t expect that this would happen. I was waiting for Trisha and her family. My Mom even baked chocolate cookies, her specialty. But then, we waited almost an hour and a phone call from Aunt Teresa, Trisha’s mom was received by my mom. My mom looked really worried and I asked her why. At first, she told me to go upstairs and check on what my brother is doing. I followed her command and after that, I went downstairs and asked her again. She looked at me in the eye and said something that made me soft in an instant. Trisha and her parents were in a car accident while they are traveling. Unfortunately, Aunt and Uncle were okay but Trisha was rushed in the hospital because of severe bleeding. I feel so sad at that time. I felt a lot confused because the night before this, I had a dream. I’ve dreamt of Aunt Teresa crying to my mom and I don’t know the reason. But now that this happened, I think that’s the reason behind her tears. What’s happening right now makes me so worried. Maybe I should tell my mom about my dreams and all these things. But the more that I think about these and the more I’ll talk about this, it will be worse. So I think I’ll just keep it to myself. I can do this. I’ll stay positive and I’ll just let God guide me.
Sincerely,
Tina
December 23, 2018
Dear Diary,
It was indeed a wonderful day to start. I woke up with positivity. I didn’t have a dream last night. Well, I feel a bit secured because of that. Haha. Also, Aunt Teresa called my Mom and said that Trisha already got home from the hospital and that her condition now is stable. I smiled and felt good because of that. Well today, I planned to wrap the gifts I’ll be giving my friends and relatives. These gifts are just simple yet I know that they will appreciate these. Tomorrow will be Christmas Eve and I feel excited. I hope everything will be nice. Oh, I almost forgot. I will help Mom arrange the living room because there might be visitors later. I have to do a lot things right now so good bye!
Sincerely,
Tina
December 24, 2018
Dear Diary,
This is the worst Christmas ever. All I want right now is for my heart to heal. Words can’t explain the pain I’m feeling. I love my Mom so much. I love her more than myself. I don’t ask for more this Christmas. Yet, I know my wish won’t be granted. A dead heart can’t be saved. Not only if miracles do really happen. I have so much questions on my mind. And I know they’ll be left unanswered. Why? Do I deserve all this pain? Argh! I hate this feeling. I never knew I could feel all these pain and stood right here writing on my diary while I see my Dad and little brother cry for my Mom. She was sleeping soundly in her room, then this thing happened. She just simply didn’t breathe at all. We tried to wake her up but she seems to not feel any more. My Dad even called the doctor and the doctor said she had a heart attack while she’s in her sleep. I thought I can stop that incident but I still can’t. No matter what TF I do, I still can’t do anything. Maybe it’s because I tried to interfere with it, the kind of death my mom had also became different. Instead of being shot in the heart, it’s only having heart attack while she’s sleeping. But should I be happy that the thing happened and not the other one? We are all suffering from pain. I didn’t expect that this would happen right now. I know that I’ve dreamt of this last few days but why?! It’s Christmas. I should be happy. I should be smiling. I should be opening the gifts I’ve received. I should be glad giving my gifts to my loved ones. I should be cherishing every moment with my parents and my brother. We should be eating and having fun altogether. But now, everything is a mess. My heart just can’t explain the pain its feeling. Though, I have to be strong. Not just for myself. But for my Dad and Tristan. We can’t deny that disappointment and madness is in our hearts blaming ourselves that we should’ve not let this happen. Yet, we still can’t do anything. Mom was completely healed with her heart disease since the last ten years. Uh. I can’t help to cry but I’m trying my best to hide it with a smile. Life must go on. And if this is what destiny wants for us, we will be tougher. We promised ourselves to not let anyone down. Nonetheless, this thing that happened taught us one lesson. We cannot turn back time. So if someone’s presence is still there, appreciate it. Don’t waste time and show the love you feel. Set aside your shyness or whatsoever because ones it was gone, you can’t do anything. A thousand tears won’t let them bring back to life.
Sincerely,
Tina
December 25, 2018
Dear Diary,
Another day to face without the person I love the most. By the way, the funeral service my Dad got was doing its job right. So now, the cadaver of my Mom is already at home. As of now, my Dad still explains all these things to my little brother. It was so hard for me to see them feel this pain. We used to enjoy each other’s company all this time but I think only acceptance will be the key to bring happiness back in our lives. Good bye for now my diary! I’ll first help my Dad to entertain the visitors and serve them coffee and biscuits to eat.
Sincerely,
Tina
December 28, 2018
Dear Diary,
It’s been four days since my Mom passed away. Our hearts continues to heal and mend. This day is one of a kind. It will be full of pain, memories, and reminiscing. It’s hard to believe that my Mom’s journey in this world already ended. Today is her funeral. We are all getting ready to go to the cemetery. This hurts so much. Seeing our relatives cry so much together with some family companions and friends. My little brother finally realized that our dearest Mom is not just sleeping or taking a rest, but that she’s dead. Fortunately, Tristan seems to have a good communication with us so he was able to release his feelings. I am loving the point that he learns to have acceptance and a deep sense of understanding even though he was still young. Dad looks so sad in his eyes. Those dazzling eyes of him shows wholesome pain knowing that the woman she loves so much is already gone. Yet, I salute him for being that strong. Whenever he see me cry, or even Tristan, he never ran out of motivating advices that I truly admire and that makes me tougher. With him and Tristan, I think we can get through this. Tears are proof that we’re grieving yet these smiles on our faces are also proof that we are keeping each other strong and accepting the fact that our dearest loved one already feels good in heaven without feeling any pain right now. I think it’s time. May the soul of my Mom rest in peace. And I’ll always love. She’ll have this special place in my heart, until we meet again.
Sincerely,
Tina
December 29, 2018
Dear Diary,
This is the first without day Mom or even with her remains. Still, silence and sadness surrounds our house but we still try to feel good. It doesn’t feel the same without her. The food she cooks, the smell of her favorite perfume, her talks and sometimes annoying rants. Argh! I miss everything about her. Whenever I miss her so much just like this, I used to see her picture placed in our living room. She’s so beautiful. Just like a flower that blooms yet she’s different. Flowers usually bloom in a specific time and looks torn as time pass by but she’s not like that. Her beauty shows and shines every single time. For today, me and my Dad planned to go to the church and attend a mass, of course with my brother. After that, we might go out and eat in the restaurant we used to go whenever we finish attending the mass. Hmm, good bye for now! I’ll just fix my things and help Tristan prepare his clothes and things too.
Sincerely,
Tina
December 31, 2018
Dear Diary,
Oh, hey! Haha. We just became busy preparing for the New Year’s Eve. We had shopping in the morning and started decorating the house after. I even cleaned the house while Dad is at work. By the way, Uncle Tom, dad’s brother, came here to watch over me and Tristan. He was indeed a big help because with him playing with Tristan makes me free to do some household chores and personal stuffs. In fact he’ll be celebrating the New Year’s Eve with us since he still doesn’t have a family yet. He’s just a simple businessman who works and secures his future first. Oh, how time flies so fast. It’s going to be an incomplete New Year yet we’re still thankful for all the blessings we had received. I hope that 2019 will be a blast. I pray for genuine happiness and a bountiful year. And most of all, my personal wish is for me to stop dreaming about uncertain things that happens eventually. Haha. I hope so. Oh, before anything else, it’s getting dark. I now need to help Dad prepare since my cousins are coming. I hope this night will be a good one. HAPPY NEW YEAR, SEEEELF!
Sincerely,
Tina
January 1, 2019
Dear Diary,
Before anything else, HAPPY NEW YEAR! It was another year to prosper and cherish. I’m thankful for all the lessons I’ve learned, for all the blessings I’ve received, for all the love I’ve felt, for all those laughter I shared, for the tears I cried that made me grow, just simply for everything. I felt joyful because of everyone who stayed with me through thick and thin. Last year was full of unexpected and uncertain happenings that I didn’t imagine to happen even at once. Still, those things made me conquered a lot including my fears and doubts in life. It seems to be a good year to reminisce. It was full of memories that I cannot easily forget and that I know in my heart that I won’t. Those times that I got disappointed to myself, those times that I enjoyed the company of being with my loved ones, those times that I tried to hate sleep because I’m always dreaming of something that happens after a while, haha! All I felt and all I experienced is a part of my life that I will look forward to. Nonetheless, I am being positive with this year. I promise to be a better person, a nicer sister, and a more responsible daughter my father could ever had. Since my mom is already gone, I’ll do carry more responsibilities helping my dad and Tristan. It may seem difficult but for them, I’ll always be willing to sacrifice and endure. Nothing beats a dedicated heart that wholeheartedly wants the best for her loved ones. I think this will be the last time in going to write in this diary since it’s already the last page. I’ll miss this. This diary seemed to be my companion in life. All that happened in my life was written in here. I hope I could spend some time reading all the things written in here. I’ll surely do that if I wanted to reminisce and take a look back in the past who made me this better. Thank you! Until we meet again.
Sincerely,
Tina
❤❤