Drained.

This past few days, I've been feeling empty all of a sudden. Even when I'm jusko scrolling through facebook, watching videos, and even when I'm playing games on pc. I was wondering why is this happening to me. I want to be happy as much as possible but behind the smile I'm showing, there's still sadness. I'm trying to make myself okay because I don't want people around me and loves me to worry about me. I don't want to cause trouble and be bothersome. I've been trying so hard entertaining myself as much as possible, I don't like this feeling. I felt like I was alone. Like no ones cares for me. My tears just suddenly fall, especially at night. I have been crying my ass out. I'm tired. Really really tired but I don't want to give up and I'm also scared.

I want to share what I've been through because I think this one of the ways for my feelings to be light.

First, this pandemic. I know everyone was stress out. This pandemic have a big impact in everyone of us. My schedule at first became skeletal (alternate schedule) and started to lessen my work hours. Also experienced like no schedule totally. This stage is really hard because I was so guilty that I can't help for our family's finances. I can see my mother trying so hard for money to buy food for us. I started to have schedule again and still ended up, no schedule at all. It's really hard.

Second, my grandmother died, due to Covid19 last April 27, 2021. This is worst thing that will happened to a human, to loss someone you adored and loved. I may not be vocal, but I love her. She maybe hot-headed sometime and pushing us away because we are so stubborn but I love her. I can feel that she cares for us not only me from a simple question, If we already ate. She made the most delicious food I've tasted and forever thankful for that. I was so happy that I planned for us to have a family photo last Christmas 2020. Just a random thought because didn't do it even once. It's sad to realize that it was our last photos together. I missed her, so much. I always ended up thinking about her at night. Thinking if she only listening to her family to take good care of her health. If only we knew this would ended up like this, we should have really take a good care of her. We know that she don't want us to find it hard taking care of her. She really cared for us, she chose us intead of herself. I love her so much! I hope she have known that!

Third, my cousin died last June 28, 2021. The worst part is he didn't passed away because of illness. He killed himself. It's really sad. Everyone knew him as a bubbly guy. He always smiles and we never saw in him that he has a problem. I miss his sillyness. He always make everyone laugh. Even he will look stupid, he'll do it. I miss his sweetness. Whenever I will go to there house, he always asks if he can pick me up. Everytime we talk to them on videocalls, his beautiful smile always welcomes us that will make our day. He's has the most beautiful smile with his two little dimples. But the sad part is we won't see that in person again. We can only see it on pictures. We can't hold him anymore. We can't hug him. I always told him, I will make up for him, I will treat him but it never happened because of pandemic. If only I have given a chance, I could have given him everything he wants. I was really sorry that I wasn't there for him. If only I have seen here facebook post, maybe I messaged him and forced him to tell me what is wrong, maybe he's still here. Depression sucks! It's not a joke. Always take care and ask your loved ones if they are okay. You'll never know what worst can happen.

This thing has been draining me this day. I may be feeling this almost everyday but prayer is a must! I know God will help me get through with this. He knew I can handle this that's why this happen to me. I know that once I passed this test he hd given me. I will be stronger that I am today. I believe everything happens for a reason. He will never let us suffer. God loves us with all his heart.

I hope you won't be bored if you read this. I need to let it all out or I won't be able to handle this. It's too stressful.

Thank you everyone who read and will read this!