The Benevolent Bamboozler

Tell me if you've heard this one before. There was this land somewhere in England where the ruler was one mean old son-of-a-buck. The Sheriff there was so mean that even Simon Cowell was afraid to say anything bad about him.

Well, one fine day, as the Benevolent Bamboozler was traipsing through the woods in his green tights looking for some mushrooms to get high on, he fired an arrow from his mighty bow and accidentally killed one of the officers of the Sheriff.

Now this lad I speak of was 18 years old or thereabouts. His mum didn't raise him all too well. When interviewed by the BBC in the 12th century, she remarked that raising her son was like trying to nail Jello to a pine tree with a dull cudgel. But he had a lot of friends who took a liking to his benevolent lifestyle.

Now this Sheriff was so old and cold he owed Moses 5 shillings and refused to pay it back to his ancestors despite a long running lawsuit. I mean, he was so cheap he was on the dollar menu at the Nottingham McDonald's.

Meanwhile, this Bamboozler feller was so nice the only jokes he ever told was when taking a shower in the rain and they were clean ones at that.

As the legend goes, the Benevolent Bamboozler was a thief and a robber, you know, besides being a nice guy and all. But he had a lot of friends he called the Merry Band. Not very original, yeah, but hey, we're talking about the 12th century here, and its not like they had a Fender guitar and a nice set of Pearl drums. Geez.

One of these cats was a chubby feller. Nice guy and all, but he was so heavy he actually broke the family tree. To tell the truth, he was so chubby he would have given Dracula diabetes! So there's that.

The Benevolent Bamboozler was always kind to the poor folk, and he frequently sent assistance to them; and for that very reason the common folks looked upon him as their friend and hero. Of course, most didn't know he robbed rich people to feed the poor.

Nor did they know he hated injustices that the King and the Sheriff were well known for. They took ruthless advantage of the poor and defenseless to line their own pockets, you know, like modern politicians do today to us taxpayers.

But unlike these ruthless leaders, the Bamboozler was all about fair play, generosity, and compassion, which actually were the essential qualities of mature adulthood and rarely found during those ancient times.

Now the King, the Sheriff, and his mean spirited officers were on to the Bamboozler and his men, so they were forced to live in the forest as outlaws. There in the forest they killed the king's deer to feed themselves and had a bottle of wine or nine on occasion. Okay, so they liked to party like frat boys -- so what.

But one day things came to a head.

There was a quarrel between the Bamboozler and a dude named John. The former went into Nottingham to attend church and rob the tithes, but a monk recognized him and sounded the alarm. Snitchin' punk. Anyway, the Bamboozler was then forced to kill 12 people before he was eventually captured. Unlike New York City there were no offenses that warranted bail.

Anyway, when word got out and about regarding the capture of the Benevolent Bamboozler, it reached his hoodlum pals in the forest, thus they planned a crafty rescue operation.

One day, as the monk trotted by on his way to snitch to the king about the Bamboozler's capture, Little Juan (I think he was Spanish dude in all reality), and a chap who went by the moniker of Mulch seized and beheaded him. John and Mulch then put on a disguise, visited the king in downtown London, barely beating the traffic, and then returned to Nottingham bearing official documents sealed with the royal seal of the tyrant king.

The Sheriff was not able to recognize them for he was partially blind from reading porn magazines. Legend has it that on the breast of the Sheriff named Gale, was tattooed the price of his tail, and on his behind, for the sake of the blind, was the same information in braille.

Anyway, he warmly greeted the two men and treated them to a feast at the old Red Lobster in London during their grand opening.

But that night, Juan and Mulch killed the Bamboozler's jailer and set him free from his rusty chains. By the time the Sheriff realized what had occurred, the trio of outlaws were safely back in the friendly confines of Sherwood Forest partying like animals.

To this day, it beats the tar out of me why they wound up calling this dude Robin Hood. Reckon I'll have to do some research on the topic in the National Enquirer.