I never knew I need healing until I found posts about it. I never knew I was depressed until I saw posts regarding women who died of postpartum depression. I never knew I was tired until my sister-in-law pointed it to my face one day.

I'm was fine, I was okay but now I'm not.

It's been days since I was feeling sad and I'm fighting against it as much as I can. When I'm at home I am happy, though this depression may sometimes affect me. I scold my kids inappropriately. I have very little patience and I regret it every time I scold my kids. I knew they are growing too fast, I should have been hugging them every day making them feel loved so they won't be like me when they grow up.

Crying is Healthy

They say crying is healthy. It's been a long while since I cried, Maybe 6-7 years ago. I have had lots of depressing things in my life, I have lot of mistakes and messes. I wish I could cry and let out everything in my heart but somehow tears don't get out of my eye except when I'm having my allergic rhinitis.

I know my heart is full of sadness; my heart aches over other people's hardships and heartbreaks but I just could not let it all out. I wish I could cry like a Disney princess sobbing it all at one moment until I find myself empty again then I will fill my heart with happiness so that sadness will never enter my system again.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy with my family; I am much loved but there are just thing that makes me sad.

Healing the Child in me

There are things that I didn't have during my childhood; some things I could not have due to my parent's financial capacity but most of the time, I hold back because of being afraid of what my parents would think, what other people might think and what religion would think. I was okay with it before, I even see some things as irrelevant but now that I have kids, I realized that I should have done this and that.

Maybe it may have not come to me if I haven't seen t posted online, I was okay back then but now I was craving for healing but I don't really know where to start or what to heal.

I was okay but now I'm confused

Feelings stored up inside me making me confused about what to do and what to feel. I have shortcomings, I do and I know everyone has, I wish I am not affected by these kinds of thoughts but I was; It's very hard to fight these off, there were times I thought I'd defeated it but it comes back stronger and it stays longer. Every day I am fighting silent battles and it freaks me off.

Adult life is exhausting

I wish I stayed a child, carefree and not minding anything, waiting for my parents to provide what I needed and doing what I am supposed to do. But back then I was so excited to grow up and I did.

Adult life is okay but exhausting sometimes. I'm okay with my own family but as problems occur, it feels heavy. Lately, I was told that my father's loan in the bank using my sister's name had multiplied, not just one bank but two!

Now that wanted me to contribute on the monthly payment and it feels so heavy, it occurred to me that I did not enjoy the money he spent, I didn't even know he did it back then. My sisters were even charging me for it because they thought it was spent for me when I was in college but I had my scholarship and I had allowance back then.

Also, the relatives on my father's side are having arguments about how to divide their parent's wealth! It's very exhausting to even listen to them argue, they recall who got what but they did not even talks about who got not. There were even threats that the lot where we lived today will also be divided among my father's siblings.

It's heavy.

Maybe I let my guard down and now I'm depressed. What's worse is that I don't want to tell to anybody because I am afraid of being judged and belittled.

I wish I'd be stronger to face and defeat it, I am okay but there are times when I feel too tired and my body just wanted to sleep to take a break from every exhausting thing around me. I wish I'd wake up tomorrow and feel okay.

Though I may feel heavy and confused today, I am not losing hope, I know this too shall pass and I'll have my happiness one of these days. I hope the things I feel today will contribute to what I will become the next day. This too holds lessons to teach me, I hope I'd see it soon.

You, yes you! I hope you'll heal even of the things you don't know you were broken too