My Past, Present, And Relationship

“you’ll never be happy till you learn to love yourself genuinely” I read out loud from my phone, this somehow turned to a morning ritual. You know, I believe humans, feelings, emotions, thoughts, love, and hate are somewhat connected sophisticatedly, I mean, beyond deeper understanding. You meet a stranger today, few conversations happen, feelings creep in, emotions get the better of you both, thoughts of “oh, I think we’d look cute together” hits hard, and then love happens, then hate, and in no time, you both are back to being strangers. Often than hardly, this is the case; maybe I finally figured out why. What if we are our problem and yet we don’t realize it? 

We were raised to love but we weren’t taught how to love right? I mean, from my perspective, and maybe yours too, we all are from different societies, ethnicities, religions, cultures, and stratifications. Different believes and norms are incorporated into us, and we believe and steer to whatever course we were taught to set on, always. We don’t change, not until all options are exhausted, and this is why our relationships never work. 

Jay Shetty once said, “You don’t know what you need in your life until you figure out who you are.” And this made me think- I still don’t know myself that much to want to know someone else. I still haven’t figured it out myself. Once upon a time, all I ever wanted was a relationship, I craved love, affection, sex, and every other thing that comes with it. I figured, maybe it’d fix me, fix my childhood, make me happy, and maybe, make her happy too. But this was never the case, I either ghosted or found a way to end it. I’ve found out that I was raised in love but didn’t know how to love, I was not thought how to love, I was incapable of love. 

My mom was the constant figure in my life, dad was often busy with work, flying to every state. I got to see him twice or thrice in a year. At some point, mom fell sick for few years, it was just I and my big brothers. I got done with high school before she fully recovered. I never read much meaning on how that affected my life on how I perceived things to be. It felt like I was groomed to certain perceptions without even knowing. I grew up being shy, I found it hard to open up, make friends, etc. I never came to terms with all these till I sat myself down and had self-actualization. I used to set out into relationships, not for the genuine connection, but the perks. I didn’t open up to whosoever I was with, I never listened, and at some point, I got scared of wanting to be in any relationship because I strongly believed people are temporary. I mean, what happened to mom, I couldn’t heal from that- she was there, and all of a sudden she wasn’t there for few years. Now that I think of it, it toughened me up in the wrong way of course. 

You see, relationships are cute, loving, affectionate, caring, and all of that. One moment you're just dating, and the next you've been together for many years. Because things can happen so quickly, it's important to know yourself before starting a relationship, else you get swept up in the whirlwind of it all, lose track of yourself and your goals, and end up hurting someone else who is ready to love you genuinely. 

The thing is, even if you consider yourself a healthy partner there’s always room for self-improvement! I believe all humans aren’t perfect and we will either be in an unhealthy relationship or do unhealthy things. Sometimes, we just focus on learning to love once we’ve entered a relationship, but I have a gut feeling that the foundation of a healthy relationship starts with you, like I said earlier, you’ve got to figure out yourself before considering another. 

When I had my dark days, I thought about ghosting. It was easier and less explainable. It was hard seeing people come into my life without thinking “it’d be temporary at the end, why should I try.” After I figured out my past together, I healed. After healing, I figured out self-love which isn’t an easy thing to do. It is a habit that you need to develop over time. It starts with adopting a mindset that happiness is a choice, a self-choice, meaning you give yourself the power to cultivate happiness for yourself. It’s difficult and it’s hard work, real hard work, but it’s liberating because you refuse to allow your happiness to be dictated by your circumstances or by other people. In the past I got into relationships because I felt it’d make me happy, I was wrong. I needed to be happy first, before finding happiness with another person. 

Choosing happiness means accepting the truism that the only person you can change is you. Working through your hurt from the past can also help you feel lighter and more present and makes it easier to choose happiness. I know working through past pain is an ongoing process, and while it’s good to do it, it doesn’t have to hold you back from choosing happiness.

It doesn’t have to be, “I’ll be happy once I overcome my hurt.” You can be happy right now. What is stopping you? 

Also, you should know holding a grudge against yourself gets in the way of self-love. It messes everything up. Don’t do that. The past happened already. Don’t beat yourself up about it. 

Recently, my best friend asked me, what do you know about love? I was confused, no one has ever asked me that, not even my mom. I was numb, and she said, “my dad always said love is something you choose to do and not an emotion that you feel.”

This must be weird I thought. Love is supposed to be a feeling, the adrenaline rush of euphoria chills, you know, if that isn’t love then what is? I was wrong, love is a “constant” action and not mere feelings. To make a relationship work out, you must love yourself by choosing to act in a self-loving way. Make time to take care of yourself and fulfill your own needs.

Having short breaks for a “me time” every day helps. This is a period where you put yourself first over any other commitments or other people. Do more of the activities you enjoy, maybe going to the gym, reading the news, seeing movies, yoga, video games, etc. It’s all about creating a daily little self-love ritual.

And if you are scared of commitments, I want you to know it is only natural. It’s natural to fear the unknown. The uncertainty of what awaits after making a big decision can make us feel unsure about what steps to take next. Fear of commitment or long-term relationship anxiety could be linked to early experiences or even trauma. You may fear commitment because you’re afraid of being abandoned, hurt, or betrayed, for example. I felt the same way too and I healed, you can heal too. All you need to do is look at your past, look at your history. The attitudes and behaviors we witnessed and experienced as kids often subconsciously shape the ways we perceive and react as adults. Having someone love us or look at us differently from how we were looked at as kids present a unique challenge that few of us anticipate in our adult relationships. 

To have a better relationship, you should know your history, self-actualization, and self-love. 

*If you can relate to this article, I’d appreciate you drop a comment. This is my first piece, and I’d love to grow here. Thank you! ❤️