Problems come and go in our lives and I wish this thought was permanent in my head the whole time. I drove into different roads not knowing where I was headed to. I loved the travels and the searching and the stitches and burns that I got from different places I can't remember anymore. I couldn't admit that I was lost and I can't name a home to where I belong to. I struggled to find myself a shelter until I didn't know if I, myself, was still there after all.
I understand that life doesn't go easy on us but I think it was too hard on me. I hated to be alive and endure the unfairness that exists - how helpless I am to carry myself in every step of the way and others can just enjoy the ride with no worries of bumpy roads and cliffs. I accepted every fall, and I loved it. The wind rushing towards me, saving me, became my best friend. Every word I try to say became a bullet thrown inside of me, because I barely spoken. The fear that people won't understand everything that I am about to say is more terrifying.
I can't imagine how I got through the nights where I'm drowned with my own tears and blood. It was stupid but I had to hurt myself as a reminder that I am still alive. I cover myself with doubts and thoughts on how can I leave the world without hurting someone, because during those times, I feel the need to do it - to save myself. I was stuck and nobody knew. Nobody tries to find a person who's not needed. I was in a deep, dark world - screaming for help but nobody had read it through my eyes. We love to walk past people, and they all walked away without returning as single gaze.
The clouds are gone and the stars are bright above me at night. I was broken. Piece by piece, I try to shape myself into someone better and stronger. The healing process is a long journey, so, I shower myself with patience. I pick daisies and stare at them when everything falls on my way. I wait for the rainbow after every rain. I don't hide from everyone anymore. I am alive, I breathe greatness, and I am proud of myself.
I didn't take any notes but the lessons are all intact in my life. Whatever may come to me, I will face without fear, but hope. She who's still alive is me, because I finally love myself.
