Time will come

Was it two years ago? I've told myself this, "I’m down with three priorities in life:

• To stay alive out of good diet;

• To be able to save money for the future, or at least be debt-free; and

• To give love to my family.

It's safe for you to assume, I've had enough."

In short, I just wanted to focus on a few simple things, basic for survival. And at least, giving love to the most important people, family members.

I quoted the above from my blog before. I got it unpublished. Well, my blog site's hosting and my domain name, I let everything expire. So all posts are not.

If indeed I wanted to cut down on expenses, I have to let my blog site go. It is impractical at this point. First, I don't have that much content yet to share with people, I don't have time and expertise on a lot of things. So I thought I'd just let it go. Besides, I have this platform. How timely this site emerged, thanks to the developers and all the contributors.

But apart from letting the site go, I have failed to stick to the other plans. Good diet. Saving money. Giving love to my family.

Of course, there have been events leading to such resolutions but then, how could I forget what happened back then?

It should be that I will just be focusing on the essentials but look at me now, acting like I'm not on edge.

I wanted to execute what I have been planning. But you see, this one here is just hard-headed. I must admit that.

In all honesty, I feel ashamed yet I do what I shouldn't do. Maybe, I just procrastinate forever. And I can't just do that forever.

I hate myself sometimes...

It seems like I can not let go of things I used to do.

But, c'mon, how come I am like this? I want to confront myself but I just have forgotten so many reminders and guidelines and self advice I gave myself before.

I believe I still don't deserve any life now. Actually, not now, not ever. After all the things I have done. After all my foolishness.

I wish I could just bury my head in my job, on house chores, and things that are just basic. For survival. For salary. For my children's welfare.

I simply wish I can just focus on the basics so I could make up for everything I have done in the past.

Life is a gift, they say. It should be lived with life. If you get what I mean. But we have responsibilities as well. I wish I can just erase my mistakes to be able to fully enjoy my life now.

But it's too absurd now. I don't know anymore. What should be life be like? What more good things do I deserve aside from my young ones' good health?

I wish I could just ask someone that. What more do I deserve now?

I should just be happy I am past that dangerous and shameful stage.

When will I let go of my other desires?

Call me psycho but I wish to punish myself for my excessive behavior before.

Still, I am thinking of helping as much as I can anyone I could help. So that someday, I will be deserving of anything.

I wish or better yet, hope, that time will come when I feel that I am deserving of anything again.

Meanwhile, I will do my best to focus first. And things may follow...

On the positive side, those mistakes I made created a way for me to see what I wasn't able to see before, listen to what I only heard, and understand what I couldn't comprehend.

Anyhow, I am always going back to those challenging times and I get strength and wisdom from my experiences.

Meantime, please just allow me to repeat my quote:

"I’m down with three priorities in life:

• To stay alive out of good diet;

• To be able to save money for the future, or at least be debt-free; and

• To give love to my family.

It's safe for you to assume, I've had enough."