Same feelings over and over. Every examination, I still feel nervous and anxious. The things that make me anxious are thoughts like…
What if the internet goes very slow?
What if I will get sick suddenly and will not be able to take the exam?
What if I suddenly forget?
What if I accidentally press the submit button without any answer at all?
What if my app crashes?
What if I press the wrong button?
What if my children suddenly breaks our negotiation and come and mess me up?
The above are only about the conditions I anticipate before and during the examination. Some of the things that make me nervous are being unprepared and feeling inadequate for the exam. I always am the type to as much as possible give considerable preparations for examinations. But sometimes, no matter what our ideals are, there are a lot of distractions to why we aren’t able to do our preparations.
I feel inadequate for the exam especially if I know that I have not done any supplementary reading related to our subject.
There is also the anxiety that what if I get a very low grade and that I won’t be able to keep up with expectations? This is the downside of my bragging. I always brag about this and that. I tell myself to be humble always and to never enumerate my achievements but sometimes, I even use those to alienate others and to feed my pomposity.
So somehow, I wanted to achieve high grades to make a justification to what I always do. Not really about other people but I challenge myself. I scold myself. I tell myself it’s time for demonstrations. It’s time to give justice to what I always claimed.
Last night when I started the exam and had those feelings come to me all at once, I swore to lessen bragging or boasting. I should just enjoy my small achievements without having to flaunt it to others who won’t genuinely feel happy for me anyway. Some people are jealous. Some if not all. It’s the nature of man. Only those who already feel good about themselves who will not feel envy or jealousy.
On the brighter side, I realized that I thrive on examples given during the examination. For example, the question is given. Afterwards, an example for expected answers is given. Our professor gave examples and those examples were enough to get me through the exam. I also realized that clear instructions are very much appreciated during examinations. It was a good thing that we received clear instructions and examples during the examination.
I felt relieved after submitting the examination. I know I will get a pretty good score for it even though my answer were not that perfect. There is no reason anyway to not have good answers since I took advantage of the perks of examinations taken at home. I researched a lot to validate if my answers were sensible. I also read back the notes given by our professor. But even though I will get just a passing score, so what? A passing score is more than enough. What’s most important for me is to be able to finish my master’s degree. I’m already old to not be done with it. While my contemporaries are already starting with their PhD’s, I’m here not yet done with my masters. No matter how much I tell myself that degrees are no longer important for me, they still are very important for me. Even though I feel very much battered studying while juggling it with mom and teacher duties, I still desire to learn in a formal setting.
I pondered upon not continuing with my studies but it is one of the ways to be forced to study. Otherwise, I may just well be slacking off in the near future. At least, our university offers us scholarship and it would be very foolish for me not to take advantage of it considering that I love the academe.
Long way to go with teaching career. Long way to go with my learning. Since I thrive on examples, I also wanted to give as much examples as possible to my students. Being a student also gives me the feeling of being one over and over. Even though years has passed since I was a college student but I still am the same person now when it comes to my studies. Experiencing things over and over is not a bad thing after all. It refreshes our memories and it gives us a sneak peek to students’ lives as well.
