I have to face it! One way or another. I am a coward, and I have to admit it.
This is a sad life, a pitiable one.
Let me be honest with you.
All this while I was running away from most things, from my research class, from our seminars, from our boss, from so many things.
I am not trying to degrade myself but I would just like to confess. Confess I must and face this, else, eternal doom will be upon me unless I face it. I should face. I must face it.
I am benefitting from my University scholarship because our school gives discounts to our own teachers. But due maybe to former teachers taking the scholarship without finishing their masters' studies, our school formulated a memorandum of agreement (MOA).
In the MOA, penalties and the return service were mentioned and we have to pay for failed subject/s and will have to have return service for which one year or a fraction thereof will be equivalent to one year return service.
I have no problem with the return service at all. My problem is that, since I had no intention of finishing the research subject, I will have to pay for the imposed penalty.
And the sad thing that I have planned so far is simply saving up for the amount that I will have to pay. So instead of simply making a remedy for my situation, I prepared myself already for the cynic option. It's really immature and I am a teacher who always gives encouragement to the young. I'm a little ashamed.
Just a few weeks ago, one of our coordinators recommended me to take a seminar which they foresee as related to our future subject offerings that we are going to teach. I did my best not for the best but for making up excuses not to attend the seminar. I do not know what they will do with me.
Probably, I just can't figure out what my problem is right now or can't see the right thing to do. So why in the first place have I enrolled or accepted the teaching position if I keep running away?
There is some sort of a problem inside me and I know what some of it is.
I am selfish for the reason that I also do not try to render what I am good at. I am selfish because I only focus on what others might say about me in case I commit error in trying to help with our plans as a cluster. I simply pass things on to my more willing colleagues.
I am a coward because I am always afraid. I am afraid that I might get hurt in the process of rendering my service as an educator. This is the reason why I retreated to my shell.
Oh... It's easier said than done, that I should change. Or perhaps, review my time when I was so willing and excited to be of help to my institution. And I should recreate those times or maybe, be a better version.
I know I am taking things for granted. I think, my pride is another thing here. I should change. I should plan ahead. I should decide. Either I step out of the academe and focus doing better at my home or stop the lukewarm approach and charge forward for the betterment of whatever will become better if I change for the better.
So just my earnest that I will be able to do the right thing. Not only for myself but for my family and the institution I am currently working in. Seriously speaking, I really do not wish anymore to be near any institution. I now want a quiet life raising my kids and doing better to serve my husband, but I still have loose ends to fix and so many topsy-turvy matters to be organized. Until then, I will have to rekindle my fire. Just who knows, I will try to assume administrative roles. Though I still have to have a feel of it. So much to test and try.
Let me just thank again my family and friends who have been helping me come to this point where I can again reform myself and dream for the future.
God bless us all.
