Never Close To

I would have wanted to be complimented even more than I deserved but I knew I would be running loose as a fraud if that ever happened. And it happened a lot already. Making me feel like I’ve stolen compliments more than I earned them. Let me tell you I was just humbled yet again if not humiliated by two events this week. But I wouldn’t be giving out details except that I will be talking about something related to it. Or I will just be talking freely as I have always done so far. Well, not really freely because if I remember, I have always been playing safe. Let me insert, I have taken a considerable interest with someone, whom I admired. I began digging in the hope I would know who she is in real life but I instead discovered that Ma_ _s had a wife prior to I_ _ _ _ a. And I realized, the ones we see on television may not always depict a true picture. Or whole picture. Worse covering it up with colors or distorting it and making it opposite the truth. And I admit I have always been naïve when it came to real deals. But I had to give my admiration for all those who work on the press, who do not fear the possibility that they might be sued for the stories that they publish.

I know myself to be someone who would never voice out her opinion over matters where a stance should be taken. Not that I really had any. It will take me forever to decide whom I am supporting. I just always wished luck for everybody. Or better yet, I always hoped the best for everyone. Even the silence of my aloneness I sometimes wonder why I can’t ridicule or mock anyone anymore. The many things that happened to me over the months made me someone who’d do better than putting any one in low regard. No one ever deserves that.

I am talking here about many things all at once but I just can’t help it. Forgive my vagueness and absurdity but I am better like this. I even almost ditched writing today if not for the gentle reminder I gave myself that I should be publishing twice a day but found myself struggling to even pick the pen to write an article. There you go again, I told myself. Just a little off the edge and you’ve already forgotten that just a little slack time will bring you pushed back on edge and even further to be hanging by only one hand. And so I reluctantly left the ebook I was reading and put my hands on the keyboard. If I were this fast at typing more than a decade ago, then I would have beaten my dear friend before in speed typing “The quick brown fox jumps over the head of a lazy dog near the river bank” and I would have even come top of my class in computer programming where those basics have been included. Yes, I have to admit I learned to be quicker than I used when I saw how fast my friend was typing back then. Now it is put to good use because even while my eyes are closed I could just type easily. But where are we headed, me telling all this?

As I was saying, I would have wanted to be complimented even more than I deserved but I didn’t want to live an impostor during my life. You might have heard the impostor syndrome and I think I really have it but mind you, those who are having the condition do really have a reason for feeling like they feel. I was humbled when I was faced with an examination I never expected which made me question how I’ve boasted so far. It is never of my character to complain when any of my teachers would give a hard exam or worse, something they never taught in class. I always considered it my lack of foresight if I hadn’t seen that coming. I was always of a proud someone who would even be devious to nail every hard or unexpected question while my classmates complained that the teacher is unfair. But I was taken by surprise when I read the exam and I knew nothing about it. Where have my wits gone to?

So then I decided again to not exaggerate even to myself. Don’t promise anything ever. Always speak in conditional tone. Always expect conditionally. I won’t say more because I might already be contradicting myself. I am just quite disappointed that I was not able to deliver yet again clearly what I wanted to convey. But that will have to wait.