We were sitting (actually, standing) at the church this morning when I suddenly thought of something to write.
Then suddenly I decided not to write about what I thought this morning but suddenly I wanted to write it pronto.
At the church, I wasn't able to sit really well and listen to the homily comfortably because my daughter wanted to leave the church for somewhere else that I don't know.
To keep her from whining, I stood up then walked to the side in order not to block the other churchgoers into seeing the priest talking.
My daughter was pacified and so we kept at it until the end of the mass. Luckily, my sister was with us so she attended to our bags.
While listening to the homily, something which was a little unrelated to the Sunday's topic got in my head and some realization came to me.
Just maybe, I was trying to still look cool despite my discomfort at having to care for my little one while trying my best to catch the message of the readings and homily.
For a while, my mind went back a little further before during our second year as BS Math students at the University.
We had a teacher who was fat, big, ruthless looking, and strict. The way we first described her had been, we admitted, a little overly negative.
But really, without filter, that was how we described her.
First day of classes, that was during the second semester. We were a little nervous, at the same time, expectant and afraid of what was to come, who would come, etc.
Then came what we have been fearful of. We were hopeful that our previous teacher would still be the one to handle us in that subject, which was the continuation of the first semester subject but a brand new one came and terrified us.
Honestly, it wasn't terrifying. I somehow liked her but the influence of my classmates' remarks got the better of me and so we went on criticizing our teacher.
She gracefully walked the center of the classroom even though she was way too late (15 minutes, wow)! But you see, she seemed to not care at all. She sat in front then took the chalk then started talking.
No nothing in her like books or kodigos. She asked us questions, which no one was able to answer, then told us her high expectations like before coming to class, we should have read ahead of the topic, etc.
I guess, aside from what we were already feeling, we became alienated. But then as I have said, I kind of liked her that moment.
We criticized her big boobs and big bottom and her ruthless way of talking.
We even went 'sipsiping' to our former teacher who just smiled and didn't bother to build the new teacher up to us. What a sad thing.
As days passed, we began to like our teacher. She was actually very kind, considerate, and gave us a pleasant ambience for learning.
We became ashamed of ourselves for how we treated her at the back of our minds during the first days.
She got all our hearts and minds and we began to proclaim that she was the best teacher.
We even liked that she was always late. Silly us. So we had time to consolidate our problem sets.
There were many times that she was absent but it didn't matter because she had always been good at explaining lessons.
More time passed, months, then we were nearing the end of the semester. She confided in us that her confidence had brought her so far as to where she was at that time.
She had so many on the spot lessons and since she mastered what she was teaching, there usually was no need to really prepare everytime.
Besides she was teaching college students. I didn't have complaints. Although I believe that a teacher should always prepare beforehand, but because she appeared confident, it didn't seem that she was unprepared.
Maybe, she really was just so good. And she also had a very high regard foe herself. And her self-regard was real.
She wasn't the beauty that would invite model/artist scouts but then because she always felt beautiful so the world agreed with her.
She was a dorm matron. In one areas of the school where she was passing coming from the dorm, there were engineering and architechture students who would rate ladies who were passing by.
Their ratings ranged from 0 to 10.
At one particular time, she passed through and heard her rating to be 10/10. She was smiling and told us that she would have looked back to reprimand the boys in the instance that they rated lower than that.
I was so shocked at how she handled such situation which would have been an otherwise embarrassing scenario.
From then on, I knew that she has passed on some of her confidence to us.
I always knew that I would be teaching for my keeps later on and she indeed influenced me a lot.
Years passed and I would always look back to be inspired by her. Even how I looked right now, I again began to think about her in order to have some confidence.
It's a silly thing that I am still drawing confidence from her influence but I guess we all have a way of surviving.
I am really lucky I was able to meet her and be influenced by her. Although I feel bitter sometimes because of her consistent confidence. My!
She was one of those who helped me during my application at that same university. We became colleagues and I would smile from ear to ear when she brags that I was one of those bright students.
Even though I am again not continuing my master's at this point, I am still hoping to be confident with my decisions in life.
Really, it is coming back that I had extreme love for Math while hating and dreading other subjects, an impediment to finishing higher studies. But then again, prayer is one powerful weapon to finally lead us to where we should be.
I still do not know my trajectory but I will still try to find the best path in this life.
Just sometimes, my indulgence is getting the best out of me and so I am still having inner conflicts as to what decision I will follow.
And confidence, I will have that. My honesty and my heart to accept reprimands will be my confidence now. I know I know it is quite complicated to understand but I believe that true confidence is something that is based on our honesty within ourselves and our effort to undertand our inner longings and desires in order to be truly happy.
The mass ended and despite my mind's involuntary multi-tasking, I still was able to grasp the message of the homily. Thanks be all to Him.
I sighed and forgave my daughter just because she was so cute and sweet. She hated it when I kiss her cute face multiple times.
We went to McDo and heartily ate because we didn't have breakfast. Haha. My daughter liked the fried chicken and ketchup and frenchfries.
