My Baby - Baldr
The last few days have been busy. Still, unexpectedly, my eldest and favourite wolf fell ill. When a pet gets sick, all kinds of thoughts go through your head. What is wrong with him? Did I miss the signals that something was seriously wrong? Was it only the flies or...
Although it became clear that he was very ill, I still had hope for two days. Hope because he was drinking and hope because he wanted to eat again if only to please me.
My Baldr was my baby, special to me.
He kept the pack together. He didn't seem to understand when others acted weird. He was always enthusiastic and seemed to laugh.
When he ate, he gulped like a pig and gave me a lick.
He was not very fond of walking. He would walk right up to you because that was safe. Nevertheless, as a puppy he did run across the moors. Without any problems he ran after you and also the cat ran with him. It all seems so very long ago. He didn't get very old, but he couldn't live on any more. My biggest fear was that he would outlive me and that nobody would take care of him. My Baldr was special.
"He only listens to you", my children said. I got him when he was much older. Nevertheless, I kept him in a blanket on my lap so that he would get used to me, to humans.
"My son", I sometimes said and then it was always a question of which of the two I meant, my child or my wolf.
In the last few days, I have seen him deteriorate rapidly.
He collapsed overnight. The change was astonishingly rapid, as was the moment when he was alive this morning and dead a few minutes later.
You think there is enough time but there was not . Too much, too often occupied with other things.
Fortunately, my fondest memories of him have been captured on photographs. My Baldr playing with me, lying on the grass and biting me in my ear. So much affection. That particulary moment I did wear a certain dress. (I decided to bury him wrapped in my dress instead of using embroidered tablecloths or blankets. He was a part of me so a part of me goes with him.)
I haven't slept much in the last few days.
This morning I got up early to dig a grave after sitting with him and telling him that he was free now. He wagged his tail once and then lay stretched out on the ground next he put his head down. My Baldr could do no more.
While digging his grave, I stopped to take care of the other animals. What a surprise. Baldr, who is skin and bones, had got up, walked around and gone inside. He was lying on the floor.
Does the pack miss him? I am not sure. Maybe they said goodbye earlier because he was no longer howling with the wolves. His girlfriend must have seen him in any case as he stood up and walked inside.
Together with my son I buried him. The soil is so hard so his last resting place is not deep. I decided to make a hill on it. The grave is quite large. An unsuspecting passerby might think that a human being was buried there. Although I live in a remote area and the grave is in a sheltered spot, I have covered the stones on his grave with branches for the time being. Leaves, nature will do the rest. Perhaps one day a rose will grow at that spot.
Looking back at his photos, I think something has been eating him for some time. I have informed his breeder of his death.
My dearest Baldr is no longer with me. He has suffered more than he admitted and without him I need time to find a new rhythm.