Just Nobody is perfect

I am not different from other people or perhaps I am.
I always tried to please people to start with my mother. It did not matter how hard I tried it was never good enough. I've always been "rewarded" by beating up with whips, belts, and dog lashes.
There never was anything I wanted for me, no goals, no dreams. If you do not have any future perspective there's no need to look further than today or this moment. Surviving the next 5 minutes was already hard enough.

What I want from life?
Nothing. Life cannot make up with me, the life, and joy I never had.
What did I want? To make the beatings stop, to survive, to teach my children how to survive, to grow old enough they can take care of themselves.


If it comes to fears
My biggest fear was to be like my mother, my parents, and those who once were my family. I passed this station and am grateful my biggest fear helped me to avoid being such a person.
Another fear was my ex, losing my children. A station I passed as well.
The fears left are being homeless and dying in more pain than I ever had.

Strengths
An abusive childhood or relationship leaves scars. Scars don't heal and make one less flexible. I have many on the outside and inside. At a very young age, I gave up on crying and asking for help. I learned feared people will never help a molested child or woman. I learned how to survive myself. I even learned that being molested is not the worst that can happen. I learned to survive, to stand up each time I am kicked down. I allow myself to be depressed for some days, to feel bad for myself and then get back on my feet.
I am great at finding solutions and able to keep a strict lifestyle. Those who are not doing me good I delete from my life. I rather be alone than share my life with someone who abuses me. Indeed I am good if not great in being alone and doing as I like. I guard my borders and live by my norms and values.

Flaws
A dumb person learns from his experiences, a wise person from history.

I still intend to fall for certain lies, liars, and cheaters, have some faith left if it comes to people. I ignored my instinct because I was told I should not judge a book by its cover.
Every single time I did it worked out bad for me, very bad.
The only way to stay out of danger is if I listen to my instinct, avoid people as much as possible, set rules and take care of myself first.

A better version of myself
I don't think there's anything I can do to be a better version of myself. To achieve that I have to be me, know myself for 100% first. That's already hard enough since I am the product of how I've been raised, the society back then, the church's doctrine, discrimination, abuse, manipulations, lies and scams.
I no longer try to please people, to be blamed or scolded. I try to be me, there's no need to be perfect or create a better version of me. Not even a robot could be that since its maker will never know the real me.

18-11-2023

The photo was taken by me