I have no idea what today means to me. If this question is asked I guess it means I should give a meaning to it. Label it as being good, bad, sad, exhausting or painful perhaps?
If it comes to it most days of my life I forgot except the bad ones. Those bad days, the memory of it is still there..it's not that I want or need to remember them but I do. Not everything at the same time but certain situations, words, expressions, behaviour work as a reminder. A reminder of what once happened.
The nightmares I once had are history.
It was a relief to have a home of my own. To realize this is my place and there's no need for me to let anyone inside. I have the right to keep my door, windows and curtains closed. I have the right not to answer the phone if I don't want to. That phone, my cellphone is to help me. That's why I bought it. I don't need it to make calls, to listen to people who have time to chat for hours. My mobile phone is not meant to be answered 24/7. It's instead of a landline a landline I cannot have where I live but also will not benefit me as much as my mobile phone does. If you realize you are in charge, you rule, the fear is over.
Of course, there have been issues with people who couldn't accept I changed. There was a period they kept trying to manipulate me like they were used to. I didn't give in, been kicked out but no matter how hard it was I felt proud. I was proud of myself. The person I fought for, the fact I no longer bought their stories, believed all those empty promises and finally opened my eyes. I woke up and discovered family isn't as good, not that close as they make you believe. There's no need to be loyal, love someone who lets you down, manipulates and abuses you.
At the age of 16 I understood you cannot force someone to like or love you. Not even your parents, siblings or rest of the family. I did not hate them for that I never did. The truth is I felt the same about them. They were strangers to me and I was their black sheep. You can cry about it for the rest of your life or go your own way. This black sheep left and is after all these years still happy she did. That relief I feel daily. Indeed I still feel the relief of my big escape. I never long for going back or think about those who tried to kill me.
All those bad memories are warnings. It's good to have them and keep me on the right road. My road, my way to freedom. I suffered, I sacrificed a lot and at times I still suffer although for different reasons. Reasons which have mainly to do with other people. Being friendly and helpful never brought me anything good. People easily cross your boundaries and try to manipulate, to use you. Some do it rudely or cruelly others use the friendly method. It's like playing good cop bad cop.
I did not change into an aggressive, violent manipulator myself but if it comes to it I fight for my right. I am not a quitter never was although a lot I once fought for no longer is important to me. I try not to meet many people which is a way to keep me safe. I don't all those things so many seem to miss. Perhaps because I never had it and do not see the point to do it now. Once older you experience everything different as a teenager would do. This means I can never know or feel how it would have been if I do it now.
The world changed, so did norms and values, likes, habits and the needs we once had.
If today has a meaning at all it's most likely how it ends. The end of a day will give us a good or bad feeling. Hope or sadness or too much pain to bear. If that's the case my thought will be: I am glad I am alone, I am so happy I don't need to share my bed. I can suffer alone and that means a lot to me because that is freedom too.
Today's meaning is not different from other days. No matter how it was or ends each day means freedom to me. I fought hard to get it and it will be the only thing I will keep fighting for. The freedom to be me, to decide how to live my life, what to eat when to smile and when to cry.
