Do you have a plan?
I usually have a plan no matter if it is about great things to achieve, small things, house chores, health, or finances.
It gives me peace of mind if I know what to do, and how to solve problems and make my life, I should say our life, go more smoothly.
Still, I cannot take all sadness, worries, and pain away also because I miss things in certain situations.
Like many, we have our financial issues, how to pay the bills, extra unexpected bills, fees for example. At times it feels easier to just pay the bill instead of calling, writing, asking why, how come. The fact is who don't ask will never know how or what or if you are fooled. Fooled we, those who pay without checking out, are for sure. My grandmother already knew that and traced every cent she spent or received (found included).
Since she told me I noticed each month, if not week, a shop, the bank or a third party scam me.
But today I'm not caring about them but about my children (pets included).
Taxes sent a bill. I had to pay over 300 euros back to them. This amount I didn't count with but I have to pay it because my daughter has a part-time job. I told her I will, she said she would since I received that bill because she... exists.
It made me sad and even cry my child said this. No child asked to be put into this world. I told the youngest and asked her if she feels the same. She said sometimes she does.
I can tell you that feels like a smack in the face (although I'm happy they say the truth instead of keeping up appearances).
I have no plan on how to change this.
The only plan I ever had is giving them a better life than mine. Now my children would say that this isn't so difficult but that's not the point. The point is that no matter how I do my stinking best I miss that moment my children feel unhappy, unwanted, or perhaps just in my way.
It's not different from the pets we, I, have.
You try, do your best, and love and feed them but it isn't enough. My dogs are eaten by flies and the strange thing is years ago there were hardly any. We could sit outside without being attacked, or bitten. As the years passed by the flies increased and we can no longer be outside. Although, this Summer (too dry?) there aren't as many the few there are use my dogs' ears to multiply instead of all those sheep.
The ears are eaten and today it feels as if my eldest will die. He's on meds but he gave up and stays inside hiding his head between a cupboard and his bowl.
He looked me in the eye and I kissed his nose and although he tried to follow me he couldn't.
To give him rest, he's drugged but still in pain, I had to leave him alone.
Again I cry because this boy is my first and most beloved and I can't help him.
I fear what happens to him will happen to the others too.
I have no plan on how to save him but I hope this terrible pain will be over soon. What can I say? He no longer wants me to treat him and pull out the larvae and he cries if I touch him.
I try to care and be alert but I miss a lot which makes others miserable. How bad is that?