Disappointment

I am disappointed, feel disappointed. Good enough to write about. Just to ventilate, nothing more.

Disappointment is a feeling that eats you, kills you softly. At times slow, at different times fast. No, it's not the first time I deal with it.
I asked myself what exactly caused it. It is easy to blame one certain occasion or event for it, a change of habit, a person if you like but that's rarely the case.
Once we (allow ourselves to) suffer there is more we remember. At a sudden, all those earlier experiences pop up and you know there is more, way more. You thought you forgot about it, you dealt with it and forgot. Forgive and forget but the mind did not. It's all stored up in the memory ready to pop up like Jack in the box.
Was it just out of habit, what religion, the teacher, or society told us to do? The shrink we visited or the self-help group made us believe was the wisest thing to do? Might be but in the end, it doesn't matter who told us, fooled us, lied straight into our face, who made us buy this nonsense. If it comes to it, in the end, I am the one who pays the price, I am the person who needs to find a way to deal with it, suffers from it, and if I cannot survive there's no one I can blame for it or?

It's a good thing I have no gun (yet) because I could easily be one of those who walk into a building (school, office, camping, mall, the president's residence, or...) and shoot everyone I bump into. That might sound awful to you but it doesn't to me. I understand why people do it. How it feels to be treated like trash, to be abused, manipulated, discriminated against. To be not recognized, ignored. How it feels to do the dirty job for others without a "thank you", to be forgotten and... banned out of fear. To be found unworthy even if many benefits from you and live a life in wealth while I live in poverty although it was the me who already experienced an abusive childhood and more molesting as anyone can bear. I understand. It's simple. Why should these people live on? Deserve a second chance? They had their chance and more than once, each time they got away with it, sneaked out, they had a new chance.

To you, I am a nobody.
Most likely someone who would go for suicide or poison instead of a riffle, a machinegun, bombs. You are wrong. I wouldn't do that because self-esteem is what I have. Self-esteem but a lack of esteem for what calls themselves unique (because of intelligence) and important, the human being, homo sapiens.
What a well-programmed computer, a robot, bot if you like, is not able to humankind is. That is why, the reason, if you need to understand why. Let's say it isn't personal. It's nothing personal if you are one of them shot, killed. The only thing you did wrong is being there, being human. You can't help but it's a fact. A fact that is good enough, just like all those reasons to kick me out of the society is for you. You are a human, a breed that causes misery and disappointment and doesn't care. Just like you, I do not believe in God, a better world, life after death, karma, being rewarded for all the good I once did. You say you do? You know that isn't true otherwise you wouldn't treat me like a pariah. I am sure you know what I mean and you are intelligent enough to cope with that.

Prompt: disappointment

#kittywu #disappointment #disappointed #killing