Crazy - Mr. Robot

I try to make the best out of it.

Life I mean. It isn't easy. My childhood wasn't easy and no matter how old you get it affects you. Might be not as much if you are aware of what happened to you, who harmed you, and stay alert to not become as evil as those who never had a sleepless night about the harm they did to others.

Some days are a struggle, some days are not.

It's how life is, how people hang in because...

That 'because' cannot be answered. The hope the sun might shine today isn't enough to continue since we all know life will end and the promise to live forever is never made. It's not said we all get old. There's no need to be since all we hope for is a good life filled with laughter, being close to at least one person, the feeling someone cares if you are absent, feel miserable, or drop dead.

My eldest said: I don't hate Russians. I know this is true. She told about a girl who works in her shop and how she gave the shirt she painted with Cheshire cat on it. A cat that reminds her of me. This girl is depressed since the age of 6 years old and since she was a toddler in the Netherlands.

Why is she depressed, I asked.

It's something inside of her and her parents don't understand what it is, the answer was.

That 'something' inside that comes and goes, eats you in a way, and doesn't let you enjoy life is hard to ignore. You cannot switch it off it's a part of your being and hard to say what causes it.

At times I wonder if these children already suffering from depression went through something bad at all. What if this 'something' is simply DNA? A wrong link that follows after a click they aren't aware of. The result of parents with the same failure in their DNA perhaps caused by medical 'care'? The wrong or too many injections, medication... What if these depressions are the side-effects of Big Pharma experimenting on the people for generations or all those chemicals we are forced to eat by food factories or grown on soil covered with plastic, all those facemasks in the sea? Altogether it can be too much.

Crazy people, depressed, creative because of mood swings that frequently can't be controlled.

Are we, am I attracted to those people who easily lose control of their own feeling, life? Can be you have to be raised by a psychopath, violent, and heartless parent to recognize the craziness inside. For sure all those crazy people aren't dangerous and turn into serial killers like Dexter or Mr. Mercedes. People who are Einzelgängers (soloists) do what they need or feel they have to do to make their or other's life better. People who all believe they aren't noticed and won't make any difference.

The Netflix series Mr. Robot intrigues me.

I could tell you what it's about but I believe you should watch this series yourself. Elliot does make the difference although he struggles with his loneliness and personalities. The fact he doesn't trust anyone is not because he is crazy, what happens, he sees isn't all part of his imagination. Time after time people prove that they can not be trusted. Friends, and family, all cheat on him, lie and have a double agenda.

Elliot knows how to hack and he's good at it.

Better than anyone else. I understand why he does it and a positive thing is he does it to help others. He's not asking for money all he wants is justice.

While Elliot tries to fight him, has to deal with blackouts (he misses time and can't remember where he has been) he has terrible moments where loneliness and anxiety are so overwhelming he can only crawl in a corner and cry.

If you ever felt this way you know how it feels.

I wonder if it would help if anyone would be there if this overcomes him but I don't think so. That loneliness is somewhere deep inside and that 'something' shows unexpectedly. It makes the entire person lock out others and while the loneliness eats you others cannot reach you. There's a wall no one can climb, a gate that cannot be opened till that 'something' inside hides again.

Is this a sign of being crazy?

Are you mad if you feel this way? Some will say you are but I believe it's a way to survive. It is or once was the only way to survive. Life isn't easy, not fair and the mind can do great things if we let it be. There's no good or wrong way, no need to give up on personalities that make one complete although, if friends are abusing this and shut you out it is time to take back control over you and your life.

So at times, you need to kick your own arse or ask someone to force you to do things you don't like. Distraction can be the key. It will be hard because you need to trust someone while you still deal with your depression, loneliness, and anxiety, and cry your eyes out alone. That 'something' inside will never leave. It pops up and makes you feel miserable again. All you can do is hang in and tell yourself you survived all those times before and accept who you are because that's all there is.