Accepted or tolerated?

How to be normal, accepted? It sounds strange to hear how many people are not accepted by others. Those others called: family, friends, classmates, inlaws, school, work, the village we live, the sports club or the neighbourhood.
For one reason or the other, it turns out to be impossible to fit in.
If it comes to people they always find a reason to not like you. The colour of your hair, glasses, weight, age, the clothes you wear or your teeth. The way you walk, talk, the sound of your voice, how you laugh. Next to that different interests, or looks are great reasons to be shut out. We can discuss long or short what makes people disliking you but if this is a fact it will be very hard if not impossible to change their minds.

What you should know is that people usually like those who are exactly like them. Different is a threat and therefore not liked. If you didn't grow up in the village you will never be accepted and always be a stranger, an intruder no matter how hard you try, compromise, adapt their habits or how much you buy at the local shops. Local ones are rarely interested in "foreigners", people with a different lifestyle, different interests and likes. Inlaws are not different. If the click isn't there from the very first start it will be hard to be accepted. Even if there is a close contact if it comes to a divorce own goes first. Why? Because we like what we know most of all. Because we are not that flexible as we say we are and it's complicated.

Complicated... How easily this word is used if we do not know or dare to say what is on our mind. Complicated we call everything we do not like to face or solve or... don't like to invest.
It's so much easier to believe what is told instead of taking a step, grabbing a chance to know someone for real. We say looks are not important but we judge a book by its cover and once we did that it's hard to admit we were wrong. It's easier to blame someone else for our lack, misfortune, bad luck than looking into the mirror and have a closer look at us. Are we such a great catch at all? Is there a reason why others like us? Is it possible that others dislike us? If so is it about looks, money or is it the attitude, different behaviour that triggers the 'stay out of my way' button with other people?

How we act, our behaviour has often to do with a wrong way of expressing ourselves. It's the total picture of how we present ourselves why people like or dislike us. In a way, you need to fit in and be accepted before you can show who you are. No matter if you meet someone or have an interview for a job, it's important to investigate what kind of person you will meet, how to dress and act properly. If a tuxedo is not your style, if it makes you feel uncomfortable you better stay away unless you are wealthy enough to not care about being the exception.

It's clear most of us can not afford to be that different. Punk's, Hell's Angles, gangs, Mormons and Jehova Witnesses survive because they operate in a community, with a certain community, with people who accept them, (try to) think, act the same, they believe in the same story, share the same norms and values and see themselves in you without any judgement (at least that is the idea).

Different lifestyles, languages, ages, life experiences but also the character and so much more is used as an excuse not to get along. In reality, it's our instinct that speaks. It warns us within the first seconds against those we don't like. We can fool ourselves and ignore it but if we are not used to different people we will always see the difference and worse: we mention it.

Pups growing up with siblings looking different will be easier than those with siblings who look exactly the same. With horses, it isn't any different. Instinct tells us what is the same is sage, what is different is a threat.

If you like to be liked the only option is to fit in. There are tricks which you can use if you like to get that job. If you are totally different you can see it as a game or a play and step in the role of... It won't hurt you if you act at work as long as you get what you want and can be who you are at home. Home, family and friends should be safe. If those people don't accept you it's time to remove them from your life. Fighting against all odds is a lost cause. Who doesn't like you most likely never will? Only in films a 100% change might happen but it's rare and most likely it won't last forever. In the end, instinct takes over and we are back where we started.

People don't like you because you are different. Being different is good enough to bully you, to hate you and fight you. You name it and it's a reason to. White people are hated, so are those out of Western countries, Asian people are hated and Africans are. All religions hate each other and most of all pagans or those who don't believe. Poor people hate and rich people feel hate. Men hate women, women hate women, and this goes on and on. We hate and envy for no reason but it is in us. We are not willing to search for answers, reasons, to know someone else for real but at the same time we can not imagine, feel, lack the others life experiences which means it's impossible. We grew up differently. We think different, are educated differently and tunnel vision makes it even harder. What we believe in, stand for is holy and if anyone tries to say something about it it feels like an attack, a personal attack that feels like being rejected.

Low self-esteem and the behaviour that comes with it is what makes being accepted harder.
Those with low self-esteem are perfect victims. They are bullied, beaten up, abused, raped, kidnapped and avoided. A person without self-esteem takes all energy and isn't fun to be around. It isn't someone you can count on. It's not different from those who always shout and yell to make a point. "Who shouts isn't right" I was raised with and it's true. Those who can not answer, do not come with facts shout to be heard. They try to overrule others and hope to get attention this way. People who cannot discuss, do not know but just brag will never be taken seriously. So work on yourself and keep in mind that it's better to speak if you really have to say something instead of making noise. If you believe in yourself you are a personality and that will show and make a world of differences. Once you have faith in yourself there's no need to announce you are different. There's no need to be extravagant and misbehave. If you start liking yourself and don't focus on your bad childhood, sexual preferences, the colour of your skin or whatever excuse you use you will see people will like you and even accept you the way you are. Being normal, accepted isn't as difficult as it sounds. We all could do better if we start liking ourselves first.

#kittywu #psychology #life #selfesteem #like #dislike