Why do people not finish what they, once so enthusiastically, started? There are many reasons or excuses why, what came in between and the truth?
The truth is not only a lack of motivation but at times we do things too long or the situation takes too long which means it drains us. What drains, sucks all energy out of us takes our motivation, positivity, the will to fight for the goals we set and above all our enthusiasm to continue. What is the point if it brings nothing no matter how hard you try?
There is a lot I did for too long. Studying, trying to be kind to my abusers, I worked too many hours a day, took care of too many animals and people. I have been too long kind, helpful, too long ill, a mother, too much car trouble and too long I am struggling with budgets to make the ends fit.
There's no belt left after all these years to tighten. I don't drink, smoke, use make up, buy soda, potato chips, go out, buy clothes, have visitors. I gave up on medication, doctors, hospitals and do not waste money on letters, stamps (the old fashioned mail).
I never make a phone call and sit in the cold with frozen hands and feet waiting for better times, better weather. I hope my body won't be more damaged after this winter as it was before and my children will survive it.
Mother or parent if you like I have been for too long too and the end isn't near. I took care of my mother, (Step) siblings, my children, foster children. Was it worth it? The answer is 'no' unless you mean the lessons learned out of it. Doing good, sacrificing yourself is not 'rewarded'. Lately I think a lot about my ex foster children. Children older than mine and some must be 40 years by now... if they are still alive.
All my studies... they brought me nowhere. No job is forever. I wished I had those extremely high amounts of money I spent (and did tighten the belt for) to buy firewood, a real good meal (hard to get) or a set of new clothes because one set with holes is not sufficient any longer and it slowly eats one if you start looking more and more like 'trash' even if you are always home.
Next week it's December 5th. Our only celebration I cannot spend with my children. The presents are bought, the surprises and poems partly made but that's it. There will be no Christmas, no New Year's Eve, nothing. Hopefully it means I can save some money and have a good start of 2021.
This year wasn't what I hoped for, neither were the past years. My time never came and I'm afraid my children's time won't either. The world, life changed and not into something good. It's an illusion to think it will be back to how it once was.
Lost jobs, lost incomes, friends, family, opportunities, no traveling, careers. The bots will take over and we all need to find a way to keep ourselves busy at home. These days addictions to gaming, computers, chatting, gambling, binge watching, etc are needed more than ever. It keeps the mind busy, doesn't cost too much all you need to invest in is internet.
I understand a bit of this sentiment now that I'm working. I wonder how long I'll last with how ridiculously my morher requests for things and when my sisters will actually try to do something better with their lives even when they're studying because even as a student i tried to find ways to thrive without the support of my parents