What is Love? How it Feels to Be in Love & 5 Signs You Love Someone

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Whether it lifts up where we belong, a many splendored thing, or it’s all we need as the songs go, it’s a truth universally acknowledged that the feeling of love is a global unifying force. Romantic love has been idolized to the point that it exists in over 147 out of 166 cultures around the world. But, what is love exactly and what does being in love feel like?

Here’s how to define and describe love, so you’ll know exactly what love is when you start showing signs of loving someone.

What Is Love?

When asked, “What is love?”, Margot Schulman, author of Choose Love: A Simple Path to Healthy, Joyful Relationships, says: “I love this question because it is the source of so much confusion and misunderstanding in our culture. We all say things like, ‘I love this color blue!’ and ‘I love crossword puzzles!’ But how can that be the same word we use to describe how we feel about our spouses, our kids and our best friends? Impossible!”

In romantic relationships, Schulman describes love as, “a magical embodied sensation sparked from an alchemical reaction of witnessing another person’s heart and soul and accepting, appreciating and celebrating them just as they are: in all their perfect imperfection.”

Adam LoDolce, founder of Love Strategies, adds: “What is love? It’s when you finally meet the best friend you’re attracted to. It’s a bonding mechanism that’s designed to connect humans to one another for a long period of time.”

How Do You Define Love?

In Ancient Greece, the feeling of love was so hard to define that philosophers broke it down in 4 categories to try and characterize it. Those 4 categories were storge, phila, eros, and agape. Storge was usually defined as the love between family members like siblings and parents. Phila was defined as the love between best friends. Eros was more of your classic romantic love. Finally, agape was known as divine love.

In today’s society, everyone’s definition of love is different because we all experience love differently. In fact, the dictionary Merriam-Webster has over 8 different definitions for love alone! Even relationship experts define love in number of different ways—there’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to defining love.

Monica Berg, author of Rethink Love, says, “Unconditional love is about loving someone because they exist. To be loved or to love unconditionally is to value the characteristics in a person that are a manifestation of the person’s core self, their essence.”

How Do You Describe Love?

As a society, we use the term “love” loosely (when’s the last time you told your friend you loved an iced latte or a new sweater?). But, what about romantic relationships? For couples that have been together for a while, they describe love as loyalty and commitment but for those figuring out their first real relationship, their description of love may be messy and complicated.

Love has many different descriptions. Love can simply be feeling secure. As Berg explains it, “Unconditional love makes us feel safe and supported. It encourages us to pursue those things in life that are meaningful to us. Sometimes all you need is someone to believe in you when it’s too hard to believe in yourself. Love is the nourishment that humans need to fulfill their greatness.”

Love can also be described as a give and take. “Love isn’t something you need to find, accumulate, and protect. There is only one way to reclaim love, and that’s to give it away,” Berg adds.

Love can also be described as being completely vulnerable around someone and being able to trust that they won’t use your flaws against you.

What Does Love Feel Like?

Like we’ve established, love is a roller coaster and everyone feels love differently because we all uniquely view the act of love. Some might view the act of falling in love as a very peaceful experience. Others say it feels like several different emotions hit all at once. The truth is, love can feel blissful and scary all at the same time.

As silly as these feelings might seem, they’re important to experience. As the course of love evolves and changes, so do your emotions. “The feelings you have at the beginning of a relationship, romantic or not, can serve as a base on how your emotions range over your time spent together. As Berg reminds us, “Real, enduring love is built on friendship, trust, and a sincere dedication to each other’s personal and spiritual growth.

5 Signs You Love Someone

1. You Make Plans For the Future

When you truly love someone, you don’t have plans to let them go anytime soon. You know you’re in love when you start to include them in all your future plans, whether it’s planning out your next vacation or figuring out where you want to live when your lease is up!

2. You Support Them in Becoming Their Best Self

The longer your relationship goes, the more your partner starts feeling more of an extension of yourself. “When you truly, deeply support your partner’s journey and who they are at their core, at their essence, you know you’re in love,” says Berg.

3. You Become More Affectionate Towards Them

When you’re in love with someone, obviously you’re attracted to them. So, it’s only natural that you want to hold hands or have a full on makeout session on their couch. If you’re repulsed by them, then you’re clearly not in love.

4. They’re On Your Mind All of the Time

If you found the love of your life, chances are they are living up in your head rent-free and you don’t mind one bit—because thinking about them all the time could be a sign you’re in love, says Bonnie Winston, a celebrity matchmaker and relationship expert. “You go out of your way to think of kind and thoughtful things to do for them. It can be a simple thing like filling the car up with gas, or grabbing a six-pack of their favorite imported beer or picking up a simple supermarket bouquet, but it shows thought and a real effort to make someone happy.”

LIFE

What is Love? How it Feels to Be in Love & 5 Signs You Love Someone

SEPTEMBER 29, 2020 – 6:08 PM – 0 COMMENTS

By MARYN LILES

(iStock)

Here’s how to define and describe love, so you’ll know exactly what love is when you start showing signs of loving someone.

What Is Love?

How Do You Define Love?

How Do You Describe Love?

Love can also be described as a give and take. “Love isn’t something you need to find, accumulate, and protect. There is only one way to reclaim love, and that’s to give it away,” Berg adds.

Love can also be described as being completely vulnerable around someone and being able to trust that they won’t use your flaws against you.

What Does Love Feel Like?

5 Signs You Love Someone

1. You Make Plans For the Future

2. You Support Them in Becoming Their Best Self

3. You Become More Affectionate Towards Them

4. They’re On Your Mind All of the Time

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5. Everything Feels Exciting and New

Even though you’ve done certain things a million times over, it takes on a new wave of excitement and anticipation when your new beau is involved! For example, even though you may not be a sports lover, you’d be willing to sit through a game or two because the home team is one of your boo thing’s favorite things. Love sparks a new change in you and it makes everything feel new and intriguing.

When you’re in love, “You feel more confident,” Winston says. “Love can actually boost one’s self esteem. Yes, it’s a cliché that you feel like you’re on Cloud 9, but actually it does improve your mood and the endorphins kick in to make you feel extra happy.”

If the definition of love fits how you feel about your significant other, check out these adorable relationship and couples quotes to send to your hunny.

What’s (Unconditional) Love Got to Do with It?

Unconditional love, simply put, is love without strings attached. It’s love you offer freely.

You don’t base it on what someone does for you in return. You simply love them and want nothing more than their happiness.

This type of love, sometimes called compassionate or agape love, might sound somewhat familiar. Maybe it brings to mind the love your parents have for you or the love you have for your own child.

While people often associate unconditional love with familial love, many look for this love in romantic relationships, too.

Wanting someone to love you for yourself — no matter what — is an understandable desire. Yet this type of love might still seem like the stuff of fairy tales and movies, not something most people encounter in real life.

Is this love as elusive as it sounds? Can it even happen in romantic relationships?

Read on for a deeper understanding of what unconditional love is (and isn’t) and some strategies for cultivating it.

What it is

Unconditional love is a selfless act. You’re not in it for yourself.

Though it may overlap with other types of love in some ways, other elements set it apart.

You can recognize it by these key characteristics.

It can benefit emotional health

A small 2009 study explored the brain regions activated by feelings of unconditional love. The results of the study suggest that unconditional love activates some of the same areas of the brain’s reward system that romantic love does.

In other words, the simple act of loving someone unconditionally may produce positive feelings.

Receiving unconditional love can also make a difference in emotional well-being. According to research from 2010, children who receive higher levels of affection from their parents or caregivers tend to have greater resilience in adulthood. They also tend to experience fewer mental health symptoms.

Results from a 2013 study support the idea that loving children unconditionally improves their lifelong health and wellness. This suggests parental unconditional love could offer some protection against the harmful, often lingering effects of childhood trauma or abuse.

It feels secure

Unconditional love can provide a sense of security in both childhood and adulthood.

Feeling confident in someone’s love and knowing it won’t go away can help create secure attachments and foster autonomy, independence, and self-worth.

If you know your parents or caregivers will continue to love you even after you make mistakes or do things they don’t approve of — from failing a class to having a drink at a party when you’re underage — you’ll feel more comfortable making your own choices and learning from them as you go.

In the context of friendship, unconditional love might weather tests like conflict, falling out of touch, or differing life goals.

When it comes to romantic relationships, unconditional love could mean that love doesn’t go away, despite challenges like life-altering health conditions or changes in appearance or personality.

It’s altruistic

Altruism refers to helpful actions taken to support and benefit others, often at your own expense.

In terms of unconditional love, altruism means you don’t consider any potential benefits of loving someone. You offer your love for their support and benefit.

Love, many say, is its own reward, but you typically don’t get anything out of altruistic acts. This is one point of contention in discussions of unconditional love in romantic situations.

Because healthy relationships, by definition, are mutually beneficial, this would seem to suggest that romantic love — at least within the boundaries of a relationship — can’t be truly unconditional.

It involves acceptance and forgiveness

People aren’t perfect, and nearly everyone makes a few choices they regret. Unconditional love, however, requires unconditional acceptance.

So, you forgive mistakes and continue to offer love and acceptance, even — and this is important — if their choices distress you or cause harm.

You can’t love someone unconditionally unless your love remains unchanged despite their actions. You can, however, love someone unconditionally without having a relationship with them.

Acceptance sometimes involves recognizing when it’s unlikely someone will change and taking steps to protect your own well-being.

Ignoring relationship issues

Conflict is normal (and healthy) in relationships. Unconditional love doesn’t mean you avoid this conflict or look away from problematic behavior.

Say your partner spends your joint savings on an expensive exercise bike — a choice you completely disagree with — when you’d agreed to save up for a house. You might not stop loving them, but neither do you ignore the breach of trust.

Depending on the circumstances, you might agree to work together on rebuilding trust (and your savings), but you might also see no future in the relationship. You can walk away still holding forgiveness and love in your heart.

Neglecting your own needs

It’s true that unconditional love can involve some sacrifice, but these sacrifices shouldn’t require you to give up everything you need and want for yourself.

Attempting to meet all your partner’s needs can seem like one way of expressing unconditional love, but this can actually create an unhealthy dynamic in your relationship. No one person can provide another person with everything they need.

You should feel comfortable setting boundaries around things you don’t want to do. What’s more, they should respect your limits and consider any requests you make.

When they can’t provide the support you need, they might offer a potential compromise or help you think of some other solution.

Even when your love doesn’t depend on their ability to meet your needs, you still have those needs — everyone does.

Unconditional love can’t fuel a healthy relationship on its own. It’s essential to take care of your own needs, too, or you won’t be in any position to support someone else.

Tolerating abuse

A sense of safety is a basic human need.

Perhaps your partner says unkind things after drinking. You might tell yourself, “They wouldn’t shout at me if they weren’t drunk.” You might accept that this is who they are and make the choice to forgive their words and continue loving them.

But unconditional love doesn’t mean staying in an unhealthy situation when you’re better off letting go.

You want them to be happy, but what if quitting drinking and dealing with the issues that trigger the urge to drink would improve their health and help them find greater happiness?

Again, you can offer forgiveness and love even after safely leaving the relationship.

Blanket tolerance for harmful behavior can prevent them from making needed changes. Though remember that this absolutely doesn’t mean you’re to blame. The responsibility for their actions rests entirely in their hands.

Is it even possible?

If you’re starting to think unconditional love sounds a lot more complicated than you’d imagined, you’ve pretty much hit the mark.

As one philosophy professor pointed out, even the love between a parent and a child falls short of unconditional. A parent might love their child no matter what they do, but this love still has a condition: They love their child because their child is theirs.

In a similar vein, consider the love you have for your partner or anyone else. What triggered it originally? Perhaps you felt attracted to certain specific characteristics: sense of humor, a kind heart, intelligence.

If they no longer had those characteristics, would your love continue, unaltered? From a philosophical perspective, if conditions never change, you might never know whether your love truly is unconditional.

In reality, love grows and shifts over time. It can also fade, through no fault of anyone involved. Love changes, in part, because people change. You, or your partner, may not be the same person years down the line.

Fostering it in your relationship

While a parent may love their child from the moment of birth, romantic love can take a little more time and effort.

These strategies can help you nurture and sustain deep, lasting love.

Offer respect, even when you disagree

You and your partner are two different people, so it makes sense you’ll have a difference of opinion at some point.

Many people think of conflict as something negative, but it isn’t always bad. It can even improve the health of your relationship when handled in a productive way.

When navigating conflict, it’s important to accept any differences with respect. You want to send a message that says, “I disagree with you, but I still respect your opinion.”

Once you both express your opinions, you can begin working toward resolution. This might involve collaboration or compromise. Without respect, though, it’ll be tough.

Practice open communication

Good communication should be clear, honest, and timely. All the honest, open sharing in the world may not make much difference if it comes too late.

By communicating with your partner, you show your respect and commitment to working through challenges and finding ways to meet conflicting goals.

For better communication:

Bring up issues as they arise instead of letting your irritation simmer and gather heat.
Share your thoughts honestly, but also listen empathically to what your partner has to say.
Make sure to clarify when you don’t understand something to better prevent conflict in the future.

If you’re not used to communicating in this way (plenty of us aren’t), be patient. Things will get easier with practice.

Support each other

Most relationships that thrive involve plenty of mutual support.

When your partner struggles, you listen with empathy or offer a helping hand, and they do the same for you. You stay mindful of their needs as well as your own, and they know you have their back when they’re up against something they can’t handle alone.

A time may come when you find yourself sacrificing something for their benefit, but sacrifice and support should go both ways. A healthy relationship involves not just take, but also some give — so they’ll likely make sacrifices for your benefit, too.

The bottom line

Unconditional love might sound like a dream come true. But while love is one thing, a relationship is quite another.

A healthy relationship does have conditions, of a sort: your boundaries. If your partner doesn’t respect your boundaries, the relationship isn’t healthy, no matter how deeply you love them.

Moving on from it, then, could be an act of unconditional self-love.

What Makes a Relationship Healthy?

If you have or want a romantic relationship, you probably want a healthy one, right? But what’s a healthy relationship, exactly?

Well, it depends.

Healthy relationships don’t look the same for everyone since people have different needs. Your specific needs around communication, sex, affection, space, shared hobbies or values, and so on may change throughout life.

So, a relationship that works in your 20s may be nothing like the relationship you want in your 30s.

Relationships that don’t align with more traditional definitions of a relationship can still be healthy. For example, people who practice polyamory or ethical nonmonogamy might define a healthy relationship somewhat differently than people who practice monogamy.

In short, “healthy relationship” is a broad term because what makes a relationship thrive depends on the needs of the people in it.

But a few key signs do stand out in flourishing relationships.

What it looks like

“One thing healthy relationships largely share is adaptability,” says Lindsey Antin, a therapist in Berkeley, California. “They adapt to circumstances and the fact we’re always changing and going through different phases in life.

Here’s a look at some other hallmarks of healthy relationships.

Open communication

Partners in healthy relationships typically talk about the things going on in their lives: successes, failures, and everything in between.

You should be comfortable talking about any issues that come up, from things that happen in everyday life, such work or friend stress, to more serious issues, such as mental health symptoms or financial concerns.

Even if they have a different opinion, they listen without judgment and then share their perspective.

Communication goes both ways. It’s important you also feel that they’ll voice their own concerns or thoughts as they come up.

People in nonmonogamous relationships may place even more value on emotional check-ins and frequent communication about what’s happening with other partners.

Trust

Trust involves honesty and integrity. You don’t keep secrets from each other. When you’re apart, you don’t worry about them pursuing other people.

But trust goes beyond believing they won’t cheat or lie to you.

It also means you feel safe and comfortable with them and know they won’t hurt you physically or emotionally. You know they have your best interests in mind but also respect you enough to encourage you to make your own choices.

A sense of yourself as a separate person

Healthy relationships are best described as interdependent. Interdependence means you rely on each other for mutual support but still maintain your identity as a unique individual.

In other words, your relationship is balanced. You know you have their approval and love, but your self-esteem doesn’t depend on them. Although you’re there for each other, you don’t depend on each other to get all of your needs met.

You still have friends and connections outside the relationship and spend time pursuing your own interests and hobbies.

Curiosity

One key characteristic of healthy, long-term love is curiosity.

This means you’re interested in their thoughts, goals, and daily life. You want to watch them grow into their best self. You’re not fixated on who they used to be or who you think they should be.

“You hold flexible mindsets about each other,” Antin adds.

Curiosity also means you’re willing to consider or talk over changes to your relationship structure if aspects of your existing relationship become less fulfilling. It also involves realism. You see them for who they truly are and care about that person, not an idealized version of them.

Time apart

Most people in healthy relationships prioritize spending time together, though the amount of time you spend together can vary based on personal needs, work and other commitments, living arrangements, and so on.

But you also recognize the need for personal space and time on your own. Maybe you spend this time relaxing solo, pursuing a hobby, or seeing friends or family.

Whatever you do, you don’t need to spend every moment together or believe your relationship suffers when you spend some time apart.

Playfulness or lightheartedness

It’s important to make time for fun and spontaneity when the mood is right. If you can joke and laugh together, that’s a good sign.

Sometimes life challenges or distress might affect one or both of you. This can temporarily change the tone of your relationship and make it hard to relate to each other in your usual ways.

But being able to share lighter moments that help relieve tension, even briefly, strengthens your relationship even in tough times.

Physical intimacy

Intimacy often refers to sex, but not always. Not everyone enjoys or wants sex. Your relationship can still be healthy without it — as long as you’re both on the same page about getting your needs met.

If neither of you have interest in sex, physical intimacy might involve kissing, hugging, cuddling, and sleeping together. Whatever type of intimacy you share, physically connecting and bonding is important.

If you both enjoy sex, your physical relationship is most likely healthy when you:

feel comfortable initiating and talking about sex
can positively handle rejection
can discuss desires
feel safe expressing your interest in more or less sex

Healthy intimacy also involves respecting sexual boundaries. This includes:

not pressuring partners about sex or specific sex acts when they say no
sharing information about other partners
discussing sexual risk factors

Teamwork

A strong relationship can be considered a team. You work together and support each other, even when you don’t see eye to eye on something or have goals that aren’t exactly the same.

In short, you have each other’s back. You know you can turn to them when you’re struggling. And you’re always ready to offer support when they need you.

Conflict resolution

Even in a healthy relationship, you’ll have occasional disagreements and feel frustrated or angry with each other from time to time. That’s completely normal. It doesn’t mean your relationship is unhealthy.

What matters is how you address conflict. If you can talk about your differences politely, honestly, and with respect, you’re on the right track.

Partners who address conflict without judgment or contempt can often find a compromise or solution.

Relationship red flags

Your relationship should contribute to a sense of fulfillment, happiness, and connection. If you tend to feel more anxious, distressed, or unhappy around your partner, your relationship may be struggling.

Signs of unhealthy relationships can vary widely, so this list isn’t all-inclusive. But it may help point out some possible issues.

One of you tries to control or change the other

“We are never in control of changing another person,” Antin says.

If you’re concerned about a specific behavior, you should feel comfortable enough to bring it up. It’s OK to express your feelings and ask them to consider making changes. But it’s not OK to tell them what to do or attempt to control their behavior.

If they do something that really bothers you and you can’t accept it, the relationship may not have long-term potential.

Your partner doesn’t respect your boundaries

Boundaries can come into play across your relationship, from respectful communication to privacy needs. If you set a boundary and they push against it or pressure you to change it, that’s a serious red flag.

Maybe you’ve said, “I need personal space when I get home from work. I’m happy to see you, but I need to de-stress before any physical affection.”

But they continue to come up to you right when you get home, trying to kiss you and pull you into the bedroom. When you say no, they apologize and say “they just can’t help themselves.”

You might brush this off as a sign of affection and keep restating the boundary, hoping they’ll get it eventually. But their behavior shows disrespect for your needs.

You don’t spend much time together

Relationships often develop when people enjoy each other’s company and want to spend even more time together. Life events can sometimes get in the way of your time together, but these changes are usually temporary.

Your relationship might be struggling if you consistently see less of each other without a clear reason, such as family difficulties or more responsibilities at work.

Other warning signs include feeling distant with each other or relieved when you aren’t together. You might even try to find excuses to avoid spending time together.

The relationship feels unequal

Healthy relationships tend to be fairly well balanced. You might equally share finances, or balance out a lower income by running more errands.

But relationship equality can also relate to intangible things, such as affection, communication, and relationship expectations.

Periods of inequality can happen from time to time. One of you might temporarily lose your income, struggle to help with chores because of illness, or feel less affectionate due to stress or other emotional turmoil.

But if your relationship regularly feels unbalanced in any way, this can become problematic.

They say negative or hurtful things about you or others

There’s nothing wrong with showing concern when your partner does something that worries you. But in a healthy relationship, partners generally take care to express their feelings in helpful, productive ways.

It’s not healthy to constantly criticize each other or say intentionally hurtful things, especially about personal choices, such as food, clothing, or favorite TV shows. Criticism that makes you feel ashamed or bad about yourself is generally unproductive.

Also note how they talk about others. Your relationship with each other could seem perfectly healthy, but if they use hate speech, slurs, or make discriminatory remarks about others, consider what this behavior says about them as a person.

You don’t feel heard in the relationship

Maybe you don’t feel heard because they seem disinterested when you bring up a problem or share something that’s been on your mind. Or you might have a hard time sharing your opinion or talking about serious issues because you worry they’ll just brush you off.

Miscommunications can happen, of course. But if you do talk through an issue and they seem receptive but don’t make any changes or seem to have completely forgotten what you talked about by the next day, that’s also a warning sign.

You’re afraid of expressing disagreement

Partners should always feel safe to have their own opinions, even when this means they disagree. If your partner responds to your (different) viewpoint with dismissal, contempt, or other rudeness, this often suggests they don’t respect you or your ideas.

If you find yourself censoring everything you say because you worry about their reaction, or feel like you’re “walking on eggshells” every day, as Antin puts it, it may be time to seek professional help.

If you fear physical or verbal abuse, talk to a therapist as soon as you can. Don’t hesitate to reach out to friends and family for additional support, too.

You don’t feel happy or comfortable around your partner

For many people, key relationship goals include increased happiness and life satisfaction. If you feel uneasy or unhappy all the time, the relationship may not be meeting your needs.

This can happen even when you’re both putting effort into the relationship. People change over time, so feeling dissatisfied and trapped doesn’t necessarily mean either of you have done anything “wrong.” You may have just become different people who no longer fit well together.

Disagreements or discussions don’t go anywhere

Healthy conflict resolution typically leads to solutions or compromise. Maintaining a relationship is an ongoing process, so you might not work everything out right away. But you usually feel good about your conversations afterward. You usually see some progress.

It’s generally not a good sign when you find yourself talking in circles or about the same issues all the time. Maybe there’s never any improvement, no matter how much you discuss something. Maybe they eventually just shut you out.

Tips for building a stronger relationship

If some (or several) of the relationship red flags struck home, couples counseling might be a good step.

“Couples therapy is about two people arriving to work on themselves,” Antin says. Getting help doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you want to work at improving, for yourselves and for each other.

But even the healthiest of relationships can sometimes use a little extra work. Here are some tips to make sure things stay on the right track.

Embrace each other’s differences

“They might be ambitious, while you’re more of a homebody,” Antin says. “But this is a good dynamic, since one of you can initiate activity or go out and adventure, while one of you enjoys quiet time and keeps the home fire burning.”

Consider their perspective

“Be curious about the way they do and see things instead of trying to get them to see things your way,” Antin recommends.

Solve problems as a team

“Work together to solve problems, instead of making each other the problem,” Antin says.

Ask for what you want, and be equally ready to listen to their desires

You may not always agree, but that’s all right. You’re two different people, after all. Being able to find a compromise is key.

Try something new together

If your relationship seems stale or like it’s going nowhere, try taking it somewhere to see what happens. A change of scenery can sometimes change your perspective.

Talk about your goals and dreams

This can help you reconnect and make sure you still share similar hopes and values.

The bottom line

A shared love of spelunking and a mutual fondness for Indian food might have helped you meet your partner, but these factors have little to do with keeping your relationship healthy over time.

At the end of the day, you should trust each other and feel safe together. You should believe in your ability to learn and grow together.

If you’re worried about your relationship or believe it’s not as strong as it used to be, trust your instincts and explore what these feelings mean. A therapist can help offer guidance on when more effort might help and when it’s time to move on.

Is Your Relationship Toxic?

When you’re in a healthy relationship, everything just kind of works. Sure, there are bumps in the road, but you generally make decisions together, openly discuss any problems that arise, and genuinely enjoy each other’s company.

Toxic relationships are another story. And when you’re in one, it can be harder to see red flags.

If you consistently feel drained or unhappy after spending time with your partner, it could be a sign that things need to change, says relationship therapist Jor-El Caraballo.

Here’s a look at some hallmark signs of toxicity in a relationship and what to do if you recognize them in your relationship.

What does it look like?

Depending on the nature of the relationship, signs of toxicity can be subtle or highly obvious, explains Carla Marie Manly, PhD, author of “Joy from Fear.”

If you’re in a toxic relationship, you may recognize some of these signs in yourself, your partner, or the relationship itself.

Lack of support

Your time together has stopped being positive or supportive of your goals.

“Healthy relationships are based on a mutual desire to see the other succeed in all areas of life,” Caraballo says. But when things turn toxic, every achievement becomes a competition.

In other words, you don’t feel like they have your back.

Toxic communication

Instead of treating each other with kindness, most of your conversations are filled with sarcasm, criticism, or overt hostility. You may even start avoiding talking to each other.

Jealousy

While it’s normal to experience jealousy from time to time, Caraballo explains it can become an issue if you can’t get yourself to think or feel positively about their success.

Controlling behaviors

Questioning where you are all the time or becoming overly upset when you don’t immediately answer texts are both signs of controlling behavior, which can contribute to toxicity in a relationship.

In some cases, these attempts of control over you can be a sign of abuse (more on this later).

Resentment

Holding on to grudges and letting them fester chips away at intimacy.

“Over time, frustration or resentment can build up and make a smaller chasm much bigger,” Caraballo notes.

Dishonesty

You find yourself constantly making up lies about your whereabouts or who you meet up with to avoid spending time with your partner.

Patterns of disrespect

Being chronically late, casually “forgetting” events, and other behaviors that show disrespect for your time are a red flag, Manly says.

Negative financial behaviors

Your partner might make financial decisions, including purchasing big-ticket items or withdrawing large sums of money, without consulting you.

Constant stress

A normal amount of tension runs through every relationship, but finding yourself constantly on edge is an indicator that something’s off.

This ongoing stress can take a toll on your physical and emotional health.

Ignoring your needs

Going along with whatever your partner wants to do, even when it goes against your wishes or comfort level, is a sure sign of toxicity, says clinical psychologist Catalina Lawsin, PhD.

For example, you might agree to a vacation they planned, either intentionally or unintentionally, for dates that aren’t convenient for you.

Lost relationships

You’ve stopped spending time with friends and family, either to avoid conflict with your partner or to get around having to explain what’s happening in your relationship.

Alternatively, you might find your free time is wrapped up in dealing with your partner.

Lack of self-care

In a toxic relationship, you might let go of your usual self-care habits, Lawsin explains.

You might withdraw from hobbies you once loved, neglect your health, and sacrifice your free time.

Hoping for change

You might stay in the relationship because you see the other person’s potential or think that if you just change yourself and your actions, they’ll change as well.

Walking on eggshells

You worry that by bringing up problems, you’ll provoke extreme tension, so you become conflict avoidant and keep any issues to yourself.

Can the relationship be saved?

Many people assume that toxic relationships are doomed, but that isn’t always the case.

The deciding factor? Both partners must want to change, Manly says. “If only one partner is invested in creating healthy patterns, there is —unfortunately — little likelihood that change will occur,” she explains.

Here are a few other signs that you might be able to work things out.

Willingness to invest

You both display an attitude of openness and willingness to invest in making the relationship better.

“This may manifest by an interest in deepening conversations,” Manly says, or setting aside regular blocks of time for spending quality time together.

Acceptance of responsibility

Recognizing the past behaviors that have harmed the relationship is vital on both ends, Manly adds. It reflects an interest in self-awareness and self-responsibility.

Shift from blaming to understanding

If you’re both able to steer the conversation away from blaming and more toward understanding and learning, there may be a path forward.

Openness to outside help

This is a big one. Sometimes, you might need help to get things back on track, either through individual or couples counseling.

How can we move forward?

According to Manly, repairing a toxic relationship will take time, patience, and diligence.

This is especially the case, Manly adds, “given that most toxic relationships often occur as a result of longstanding issues in the current relationship, or as a result of unaddressed issues from prior relationships.”

Here are some steps for turning things around.

Don’t dwell on the past

Sure, part of repairing the relationship will likely involve addressing past events. But this shouldn’t be the sole focus of your relationship moving forward.

Resist the temptation to constantly refer back to negative scenarios.

View your partner with compassion

When you find yourself wanting to blame your partner for all the problems in the relationship, try taking a step back and looking at the potential motivators behind their behavior, Caraballo says.

Have they been going through a hard time at work? Was there some family drama weighing heavily on their mind?

These aren’t excuses for bad behavior, but they can help you come to a better understanding of where your partner’s coming from.

Start therapy

An openness to therapy can be a good sign that things are mendable. Actually following through on this can be key to helping the relationship move forward.

While couples counseling is a good starting point, individual therapy can be a helpful addition, Manly says.

Concerned about the cost? Our guide to affordable therapy can help.

Find support

Regardless of whether you decide to try therapy, look for other support opportunities.

Maybe this involves talking to a close friend or joining a local support group for couples or partners dealing with specific issues in their relationship, such as infidelity or substance misuse.

Practice healthy communication

Pay close attention to how you talk to each other as you mend things. Be gentle with each other. Avoid sarcasm or mild jabs, at least for the time being.

Also focus on using “I” statements, especially when talking about relationship issues.

For example, instead of saying “You don’t listen to what I’m saying,” you could say “I feel like you aren’t listening to me when you take out your phone while I’m talking.”

Be accountable

“Both partners must acknowledge their part in fostering the toxicity,” Lawsin emphasizes.

This means identifying and taking responsibility for your own actions in the relationship. It’s also about being present and engaged during difficult conversations.

Heal individually

It’s important for each of you to individually determine what you need from the relationship and where your boundaries lie, Lawsin advises.

Even if you feel like you already know what your needs and boundaries are, it’s worth revisiting them.

The process of rebuilding a damaged relationship offers a good opportunity to reevaluate how you feel about certain elements of the relationship.

Hold space for the other’s change

Remember, things won’t change overnight. Over the coming months, work together on being flexible and patient with each other as you grow.

Abuse vs. toxicity

Toxicity in a relationship can take many forms, including forms of abuse. There’s never an excuse for abusive behavior. You’re unlikely to change your partner’s behavior on your own.

Abuse comes in many shapes and sizes. This can make it hard to recognize, especially if you’ve been in a long-term, toxic relationship.

The following signs suggest physical or emotional abuse. If you recognize any of these in your relationship, it’s probably best to walk away.

This is easier said than done, but we’ve got some resources that can help at the end of this section.

Diminished self-worth

Your partner blames you for everything that goes wrong and makes you feel as if you can’t do anything right.

“You end up feeling small, confused, shamed, and often exhausted,” Manly says. They may do this by patronizing, dismissing, or embarrassing you in public.

Chronic stress and anxiety

It’s normal to have periods of frustration with your partner or doubts about your future together. But you shouldn’t be spending significant amounts of time worrying about the relationship or your safety and security.

Separation from friends and family

Sometimes, dealing with a toxic relationship can cause you to withdraw from friends and family. But an abusive partner may forcefully distance you from your support network.

For example, they might unplug the phone while you’re talking or get in your face to distract you. They may also convince you that your loved ones don’t want to hear from you, anyway.

Interference with work or school

Forbidding you from seeking employment or studying is a way to isolate and control you.

They may also attempt to humiliate you at your workplace or school by causing a scene or talking to your boss or teachers.

Fear and intimidation

An abusive partner might explode with rage or use intimidation tactics, such as slamming their fists into walls or not allowing you to leave the house during a fight.

Name-calling and put-downs

Insults aimed to humiliate and belittle your interests, appearance, or accomplishments are verbal abuse.

Below are some examples of what things a verbally abusive partner might say:

“You’re worthless.”
“You can’t do anything right.”
“No one else could ever love you.”

Financial restriction

They may control all the money that comes in and prevent you from having your own bank account, restricting access to credit cards, or only giving you a daily allowance.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a technique that makes you question your own feelings, instincts, and sanity.

For example, they may try to convince you that they’ve never abusive, insisting it’s all in your head. Or they may accuse you of being the one with anger and control issues by acting like the victim.

Threats of self-harm

Threatening suicide or self-harm as a way to pressure you into doing things is a form of manipulation and abuse.

Physical violence

Threats and verbal insults can escalate to physical violence. If your partner is pushing, slapping, or hitting you, it’s a clear sign that the relationship has become dangerous.

Dealing With Unrequited Love

Ever had a crush on a celebrity who had no idea you existed? Lingering feelings for an ex after breaking up? Or maybe you fell deeply in love with a close friend but kept your feelings secret.

These experiences describe unrequited love, or love that isn’t mutual. If your feelings don’t deepen much past a serious crush, you might not feel too distressed by them. But the pain of one-sided love can linger when you truly love someone.

What are the different types?

At some point in life, you’ve probably had at least one romantic interest who didn’t feel the same way. Unfortunately, this is a pretty universal experience. But it isn’t the only way to experience unrequited love.

“Unrequited love can show up in a variety of ways,” says Kim Egel, LMFT.

She shares some common types:

desire for someone unavailable
pining for a person who doesn’t have similar feelings
mutual feelings between people involved in other relationships
lingering feelings for an ex after a breakup

Unrequited love can also happen in casual dating if your feelings become serious but the other person’s interest never deepens.

What are the signs?

Unrequited love can look different across different scenarios. But Melissa Stringer, LPC, describes a key sign of unrequited love as “intense longing that spans a significant timeframe and involves little to no reciprocation from your love interest.”

Here are some more specific things that might suggest the love isn’t mutual.

Your love interest doesn’t seem interested in progressing the relationship

You want to explore a deeper connection, so you start inviting them to spend more time together. But they keep their distance as you try to get closer. Maybe they call what you see as a date a “hangout,” or they invite other friends to join the intimate evening you planned.

Their lack of interest can also show up in your emotional connection. When you try asking questions about their beliefs and values, for example, they may not offer much in their answers nor ask you similar questions in return.

They’re slow to reply to invitations, texts, and calls

Feel like you’re doing most of the work to hang out? Maybe they take forever reply to messages. Or when you invite them out, they say, “Maybe! I’ll let you know” and don’t confirm until the last minute.

If this pattern persists and they don’t offer any reasons, such as a prior obligation, there may be another explanation for their behavior.

Denying signs they’re not interested

No matter how you dice it, unrequited love hurts. To deal with the pain, it’s not unusual to go through a phase of denial.

Maybe you ignore the more subtle signals you’re getting and choose to focus on how often they:

hug or touch you casually
compliment you
confide in you or ask your opinion

But some people are just affectionate and open, which can be confusing when you’re trying to gauge their interest in you.

“Identifying unrequited love,” Egel says, “requires your ability to be honest with yourself about what’s going on.” This involves paying attention to the other person’s signals, even though accepting how they feel might be tough.

Using what you know about them to get closer

You might find yourself thinking of ways to make yourself more attractive to the other person. Maybe snowboarding is their favorite hobby, so you suddenly take it up — despite hating both the cold and sports.

Experiencing a lot of unpleasant emotions

Unrequited love often involves a cycle of emotions, according to Stringer.

“This pattern usually begins with hopefulness as you form strategies geared toward igniting a romantic relationship,” she explains. But when these attempts fail, you might be left with “feelings of rejection and accompanying emotions, including sadness, anger, resentment, anxiety, and shame.”

Struggling to get them off your mind

“Unrequited love is usually partnered with a feeling of longing that can begin to take over your emotions and taint reality,” Egel says. Your feelings for the person might come up throughout your day, in different areas of your life.

For example, you might:

check Facebook to see if they’ve liked your post (or shared anything you can comment on)
write letters or texts (that you don’t send) to confess your feelings
shop in their neighborhood in hopes of seeing them
talk about them often
imagine scenarios where you tell them how you feel

Is there any way to deal with it?

It hurts when your feelings aren’t reciprocated. In fact, a small study from 2011 suggests rejection activates the same areas in the brain as physical pain. These tips can help you cope with the pain until it lessens.

Talk about it…

A conversation with the other person about how you feel can seem frightening, but it’s often the best way to address the situation.

If you sense some confusing signals, like flirty behavior or affectionate gestures, from the person you’re interested in, talking about those things can help. It’s not always easy to interpret someone’s behavior, so you may not know exactly how they feel unless they tell you.

Feel too overwhelming? It’s also perfectly fine to just talk to a trusted friend about what you’re going through. Sometimes, just getting these feelings off your chest can offer relief.

…but don’t linger

You confess your love for a friend, but they reject you. You’re hurt, but you want to remain friends. The best way to do this is to focus on your friendship.

If they’ve made it clear they aren’t interested in any romantic involvement, drop the subject of romance. Continuing to pursue them or hoping they’ll have a change of heart may eventually frustrate them, damage your friendship, and cause you more pain.

But don’t feel like you have to force your friendship right now, either. It’s completely normal to need space and time to heal.

Feel your feelings…

Unrequited love generally involves a lot of emotions, not all of them negative.

You might feel excited to see the person you love, on top of the world when you get to spend time with them, and deeply sad when you realize you’ll never have more than their friendship.

Try practicing mindful acceptance of all of these feelings. Accept them as they come up without attaching judgment to them. Just notice them and let them pass. Journaling about them as you notice them (even the ones that hurt) can help, too.

…and then distract yourself

All of your feelings are valid, and noticing and accepting them can help you move forward.

But try to maintain some balance, as too much time wallowing can end up making you more miserable. During the day, it can help to set the feelings aside until you have time and space to address them.

Change your channel

Here are some ways to shift gears:

Try to make extra time where you can for your hobbies, friends, and other enjoyable activities.
Take care of yourself by eating regular meals and staying active.
Treat yourself to something small, whether it’s fresh flowers, a nice meal out, or a new book or movie.
Consider dating casually, once you’re ready, to find a partner who does return your feelings.

Find meaning in the experience

“It’s not so much about what happens to us in life, it’s more about how we to respond to the situation at hand,” Egel says.

You loved someone and wanted to be loved in return. Maybe you didn’t get the outcome you hoped, but that doesn’t mean your love is meaningless. Did you learn something about yourself? Grow in some way? Develop a stronger friendship with the person?

Rejection can certainly cause pain, but love can also linger and mellow into a different love that’s more like friendship. It may not seem very comforting now, but someday you might value this friendship even more.

Ask yourself what you really want

“Your feelings are always communicating with you,” Egel says. “As you pay attention to the truth of your experience, your feelings can help point you in the right direction for you.”

Maybe your experience taught you more about the kind of person you’re attracted to, for example.

If you keep experiencing unrequited love, it could help to consider whether this pattern says something about your needs. Falling in love with people who don’t return your feelings could suggest you feel like you should be in love with someone when you’re really happier on your own. Maybe you don’t really want a relationship — there’s nothing wrong with that.

When to get help

Dealing with unrequited love is an absolutely valid reason to seek the help of a qualified therapist.

Stringer suggests therapy may be especially helpful if:

You’re unable to stop pursuing the other person after they’ve said they aren’t interested.
You spend so much time thinking about the other person it interferes with your daily life.
Friends and loved ones express concern about your behavior.

If you feel depressed, hopeless, or have thoughts of suicide, it’s best to talk to a trained professional right away.

If you need help now

If you’re considering suicide or have thoughts of harming yourself, you can call the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration at 800-662-HELP (4357).

The 24/7 hotline will connect you with mental health resources in your area. Trained specialists can also help you find your state’s resources for treatment if you don’t have health insurance.

It’s also wise to seek professional help if your feelings lead to potentially problematic behaviors, such as following the person, waiting around their house or work, or other actions that could seem like stalking.

According to Egel, being drawn toward one-sided love might also suggest you’re dealing with some emotional residue or an unhealed past. Therapy can help you address this, which may help clear the way for a mutual attraction.

What if you’re the one who doesn’t feel the same way?

Rejecting someone kindly isn’t always easy, especially if you really care about the person.

You might even consider trying to date them instead to see what happens. But if you’re certain you don’t have any romantic interest, this may complicate things for you both.

Here are some tips for navigating this situation gracefully

Avoidance generally doesn’t help

You might want to avoid them until their feelings fade, but this can hurt you both, especially if you’re good friends. Instead, try talking about the situation. This may be slightly uncomfortable, but an honest discussion could help you both move forward.

Take care in how you express your lack of interest. Be honest, but kind. Mention things you do value about them before explaining why you don’t see the two of you as a couple.

Offer compassion

Chances are, you’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t return them at some point. Think back on how this made you feel. What would’ve helped you at the time?

Even if you haven’t experienced unrequited love, offering kindness until the sting of rejection fades could help the other person take comfort in your existing friendship.

Make your rejection clear

It’s important to clearly say you aren’t interested. You may not want to hurt their feelings with an outright, “I don’t feel that way about you.” But vague or ambiguous refusals could encourage them to keep trying.

Being up front now can help prevent later pain and frustration for you both.

Try:

“You’re important to me and I value the time we spend together, but I only see you as a friend.”
“I’m not interested in you romantically, but I want to stay good friends. How can we make that work?”

Avoid saying things like, “You’ll find someone who’s right for you,” or, “I’m no good for you.” These could seem dismissive. They might also inspire reactions like, “Well, how do you know unless we try?”