What is it when someone shakes the ground you stand on the moment you cast your eyes upon him? Is what you're experiencing the attraction of real love? ...Or infatuation?
What is that feeling that makes your heart race even from a distance? What is the magnet that pulls you towards him, wanting him to notice you? What’s that feeling that hurts so good inside?
There's a big difference when it comes to these emotions, and one can spell doom for the relationship.
RELATED: 6 Ways Infatuation Is Different From Real Love (And How To Make Sure You Always Know The Difference)
When it comes to infatuation versus real love, your brain chemistry can be deceiving.
There may be a hundred or more men in the room, but you seem to have laser sharp focus on this one individual.
Be careful, ladies! It’s your brain playing tricks on you.
It’s the chemistry in your brain receptors that’s making that choice; not the wise woman within. This is a guy you might want to walk away from before your heart is broken.
That is not to say infatuation can’t develop into long-term relationships. However, it’s the chemistry that ignites those feelings in the beginning of all relationships, with some exception.
Some people fall in love after long-term friendships, not unlike When Sally Met Harry, and some folks can “fall in love at first sight” and withstand all the trials and tribulations that are inherent in every relationship.
Many relationships that begin with a bang, usually end with a bang.
Why is that?
The Merriam-Webster dictionary definitions of love and infatuation are pretty distinct: Love is "...a warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion to another person," while infatuation is, "...a feeling of foolish or obsessively strong love for, admiration for, or interest in someone or something."
Basically, love is a deep, committed attachment to someone, while infatuation is more shallow, like the so-called "honeymoon phase."
Why does the "honeymoon phase" affect your attraction or infatuation levels?
The honeymoon phase is the preliminary phase of falling in love. It's actually the “infatuation phase”— that part in which all your boundaries collapse and you feel like you’ve known each other all your life.
But remember — you haven’t.
You take pleasure in knowing you both love the same ice cream, movies, and music. Maybe you share the same beliefs about politics.
It takes time to know the person you feel infatuated with.
Not unlike buying a new car, you need to know what you want. If you want a Japanese car, you don’t go to a Jaguar dealer.
It’s paramount to know what you want in a mate and not just let your chemistry make the choice.
Infatuation is a lot like an addiction.
Chemistry can fool you, because that’s where the love/addict gene is stored.
When it hooks onto a person who ignites the charge in your brain, it’s not too different than a drug addict whose receptors in the brain fire off when they snort cocaine or when an alcoholic gulps the first shot of alcohol.
Every neuron in your brain has hard-working receptors on its surface that send and receive messages using molecules called neurotransmitters. Receptors are involved in tolerance, codependency, and addiction.
So, it’s not really you falling in love; it’s your receptors making that choice. In codependency, it tricks you into believing you're in love.
Infatuation is a side-effect of codependency and is not love.
It’s an addiction — plain and simple!
Mama Ashley says, intimacy is not just experienced through sex. It’s crying together. It’s whispering late at night. It’s talking about growing up and what used to scare you. It’s going places that remind you of your childhood. It’s feeling each other without touching. It’s exchanging energy.
We all have a “type” that appeals to us.
Some like tall, dark, muscular men; others prefer a guy who’s rough around the edges, while others go for a more preppy guy, and still some are into sophisticated, but not necessarily the “drop-dead gorgeous" type.
Whatever your type might be, don’t let the cover be the judge of his character. He might be very handsome, but dumb as a door nail.
He may have a gorgeous body, but is dishonest as the day is long. He may be worth a fortune, but spiritually bankrupt.
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What’s most important is: What do you want in a partner?
In his book, Scott Peck defines love as, “...the willingness to extend yourself for the sake of nurturing another person’s spiritual growth as well as your own.”
Everyone puts their best foot forward in the beginning of a relationship. But soon after, you turn the corner, and out comes Hyde.
Extending yourself for the sake of your partner’s spiritual growth takes time, effort, and commitment. Most relationships and marriages fail after the honeymoon phase is over, because it was infatuation and not love.
Real love takes time to evolve.
Love is a living feeling and needs to be nurtured and cared for.
Most couples lose their authenticity before they marry. They bring in unresolved conflicts from their childhood and use the relationship to solve them. Unwittingly, you "hire" a partner that will bring you nightmares, and then "fire" them for the very reason you hired them.
The relational space in which you live becomes polluted over time. Real love can find ways to cleanse the space and reconnect, making the space sacred once more.
Relationships based on infatuation will not be able to sustain what is required in real love.
Real love requires maturity, communication, compromise, collaboration, and the art of "presencing." It also requires kindness, rigorous honesty, self-examination, mindfulness, and getting your ego out of the way.
To achieve this, it's often necessary to find a therapist to help navigate the course. Infatuation doesn’t have the life expectancy real love has.
Real love, if nourished, will always outlive infatuation.
What do you want in a partner? Most will say a best friend, someone who has my back, honesty, integrity, exclusivity, and more character traits of worthiness.
But how will you know he has these traits? What will you need in order to know you're getting what you want?
The answer comes easy: Time. Time will tell.
How will it tell? When you have to break a date to take care of your child. When you're not feeling well. When you have to work late on a project.
See how he responds when things go awry. Is he cranky, angry, disgruntled? Or does he understand and accept your reason?
How will you know if he is faithful? Time will tell.
How do you know if he is honest, has integrity, and has your back? Time will tell.
So, stay out from beneath the sheets long enough to test the waters. Learn to know him first, then decide if he's worthy of your love.
Infatuation only covers the first stage of a relationship.
Author Susan Forward compares stages of a relationship to stages of human growth and development. The first stage is codependency. It’s a symbiotic relationship. Mom and baby are one. Baby needs mom for everything. It’s total dependency.
In the first stage of a relationship, the couple feels very connected, as if they were one, what some might even consider enmeshed.
The second stage of life is counter-dependency. Baby begins to move away from mom and explore the world. In relationships, it’s when the boundaries bounce back and you break the symbiotic stage.
This is when the trouble begins for most couples, if the relationship is based on infatuation.
In real love, the couple can work through this stage and move along to third stage — independence, where each have their own life separate and apart, yet come together.
Dad works as a lawyer, plumber, contractor, etc., and mom works as a teacher, physician, social worker, etc. They each have their own passion outside the relationship, but have their time alone and with family.
The fourth stage is interdependency, where you're now capable of being connected to others, and others to you. Peer relationships often trump family activities.
Relationships follow the same path. Each partner shares and supports the interests of each other and enjoys girls' night out, guys' night out, solitude, self-interests, as well as the company of each other.
Although attraction is the driving force of infatuation, it is not as deep as real love.
Couples that can be separate and yet together with love, trust, and commitment are happier as they grow older. They have their mate, their best friend, the parent of their children, and many shared memories.
There is no intimacy without autonomy. A healthy, mature, loving relationship requires two healthy, mature adults, each separate and together — not an easy recipe, but worth the effort!
My Crop Top Ended My Relationship
By Laura Wize
In all seriousness, my ex-boyfriend and I were going to break up eventually. I think my cheap $3 crop top from Forever 21 just sped up the inevitable. We had been living together for over a year and I was at my breaking point. ( I would try to estimate how he was feeling around that time but this isn’t his blog.)
Also if you think this post will be about how he made me feel insecure the night I wore a crop top, prepare to be disappointed. I bought the top about a month before I wore it out. I thought the sales associate neglected to put it in my bag.
I was getting dressed to go out with friends with high anxiety, feeling like I had nothing to wear. Frantically throwing clothes around our bedroom, I found my $3 crop top. My level of excitement went through the roof. I was finally going to get my opportunity to show off my chunky girl sexy like Gabi Fresh.
My boyfriend was sick and he decided to stay home. He has a chronic illness and any other night, I would have stayed in the house with him. The supportive girlfriend in me had been exhausted and she was tired of staying in.
I kissed my sick boyfriend goodbye and met up with my friends. I felt provocative and free.
For the first time in a long time, I felt young and energetic. My friends and I had a good laugh about my outfit and I danced the night away.
I returned home tipsy with a truthful tongue.
He asked, “Did you have a good time?”
I replied, “Yes, I had the best time. I didn’t have to worry about anything.”
A flood of thoughts rushed over me after I said that to him. Things that I don’t think I had been allowing myself to think. I had been trying for so long to be a good girlfriend, an effective communicator, and a potential life mate that I ignored my internal voice of reason.
RELATED: 10 Dating Tips I Wish I'd Followed While I Was Single
I won’t go into every detail of why he broke up with me. Even though he said it first it felt incredibly mutual. If you feel like you are not taking the next step in order to be “the good girlfriend” here are three things to consider before you wear a crop top and leave your boyfriend sick in bed:
1. Until you are married, you are single.
After my best friend got married, this was her enlightening advice. At the time it sounded so harsh, now it feels like an affirmation. The truth is that until you are married, every sacrifice you make in a relationship is a goodwill offering.
Be prepared to live with anything you give away during the course of a relationship. Would you loan someone a large amount of money, knowing there is a possibility you may not get paid back? Treat your time and energy like money in a relationship because you may not get that piece of yourself back.
2. Stop Circling the Runway
In the age of the independent woman, the expectation is for you to have it all together, all the time. It almost makes you scared to ask your partner for anything, because you’re suppose to have it all together. Everyone is a work in progress You can’t always have it all together. For those moments when you don’t wouldn’t it be nice to know you have somewhere to land.
A safe place within your partner that you come in for an emergency landing. I feel like as aspiring independent women, we cheat ourselves in relationships. We engage in partnerships where we can’t land because our partners have nowhere for us to land. We continue to circle the runway trying to appear like we don’t need to stop for fuel. Eventually you will run out of steam or worse crash and burn.
A fish and a bird can fall in love but where will they live?
3. Iyanla Vanzant is Right!
Anyone who has watched an episode of Iyanla, Fix My Life knows this statement: “You get to ask for what you want!” What is never said afterward is, "They may respond with 'no'".
After I wore that crop top, I asked for what I wanted in my relationship. Him breaking up with me was a clear "no". Being told "no" is good.
"No" means move on with your life and get what you asked for. You just won’t be getting it from the source in which you hoped it would come from. Be prepared to stand next to what you want because if you don’t it sends the message that you don’t really want it.
This post is not telling you to wear a crop top. This post is not telling you to break up with your boyfriend. It’s telling you to be who you are and get what you want.
I wanted an excuse to dress like Gabi Fresh. I wanted to be able to focus on writing and be an artist. I wanted to break up with someone who wasn’t a bad person, just not the person for me. I got what I wanted.
15 Men Reveal What It Means If They Kiss You On The First Date
"You must remember this, a kiss is just a kiss..." But is it really? And more importantly, what about a kiss on the first date?
Should you kiss on the first date?
Deciding to kiss someone on a first date is a deeply personal question. If you can't wait to lock lips with this person, by all means, go for it! But ending a first date without a kiss doesn't mean there won't be many more dates — and maybe even a promising relationship — with this person in the future.
What does a kiss on the first date mean?
There are many different things someone might be thinking when they choose to kiss you on a first date. Was he just being polite? Was he dreaming of laying one on you all night long? There's no way to know without asking him, but let's be real, interrogating a guy about the reason he decided to kiss you on the first date falls squarely into the category of "not a super great idea if you're hoping he'll ask you out again."
One thing is for sure: a kiss on the first date does not mean either of you have consented to taking things any further than that. Let's just get that straight right off the bat.
As you probably already know, a kiss can have many different types of meanings.
I asked a group of guys (anonymously) what men think about the subject. They revealed what they're thinking when they lean in, what they're hoping for, and all of the different reasons they might decide to get that lip lock... or not.
Here are 15 reasons men think you should or shouldn't kiss on the first date, and what it means If you do.
1. Kissing on the first date lets a guy know he should ask you out again
"If there's no kiss on the first date, I'm left wondering and usually don't pursue much further."
2. It helps determine if there's chemistry between you.
"If there seems to be chemistry between us, I try to go for it. Otherwise, what's the point of dating?"
3. It may be a way of satisfying their curiosity about you.
"I try just out of curiosity, sometimes even when I've already made up my mind that I'm not that into it."
4. It's a natural next step in the progression from dating to being in a relationship.
"Not kissing after an hour-long coffee date makes sense. After a couple hour-long dates that involve dinner (bowling, going to a Ferris wheel, ice skating, a walk through a public park, mini golf, other things), followed up by drinks or coffee somewhere, however?
"Usually, by then it's been about 3-4 hours of us talking and spending time together. That's generally enough time to decide whether or not there's going to be a second and third date. I won't even go for one unless there's been a yes to a second date.
"All of that also depends on how long and how much we've talked for leading up to the first date, but that's usually a decent amount, as I won't even ask for a first date until we've talked more than an initial greeting."
5. Sometimes, a hug can be just as good when ending a first date.
"If it's a particularly longer than expected first date, and she seems into it, yeah I'll go for it. Otherwise, we'll hug it out and I'll offer to go out again."
6. When you are already friends, kissing can be a way of confirming that you're taking things to the next level.
"I've kissed on the first date because I already had a friendship with the person beforehand and we had good communication. It was a long, passionate smooch that turned into a long session of necking on a sidewalk on the Lower East Side with people and cars going by at 3:00 AM. She is now my wife."
7. Kissing is simply romantic.
"When a date is going well, there’s really no better way to end it than with a romantic kiss. Nobody likes awkward goodbyes or weird hugs."
RELATED: 5 Types Of Guys You'll Kiss In Your 20s
8. Even if you do, that doesn't mean things will go any farther.
"I wouldn't read too much into it. It's too early to be planning the wedding, or naming your children."
9. It might mean a guy is ready for more, but that doesn't mean you have to be there yet.
"It means I'd be happy to sleep with her, but I'll settle for what I can get."
10. It can be a way to express what you're feeling.
"Usually it means that I've been caught up in the moment and I want to communicate that clearly."
11. In general, a kiss at the end of the first date is usually a sign of enthusiasm.
"If I'm kissing someone on a first date it means one of two things: that I want to see her again, or that I really, really want to see her again."
12. But sometimes, it doesn't mean anything at all to at least one person involved.
"Sometimes I just give a peck on the lips at the door because I feel like I have to, but I wouldn't look at it as being the be-all and end-all."
13. Kissing can be a good way of testing the physical waters between you.
"For me, a kiss on the first date is like testing the waters. Is she into it? Do we even have chemistry? Do we both like the way the other person kisses?"
14. Keep in mind that some people don't enjoy kissing for kissing's sake.
"I'm weird about kissing. I'm not a huge fan, but I know girls are. If I'm kissing on a first date, it's because I'm hoping it will get me in the front door."
15. The way someone kisses you on the first date can tell you as much as whether or not they do.
"It depends on the kind of kiss. Sometimes a kiss can be practically G-rated, but other times I really lay it on because I want her to know that she made an impression."
Is it bad if you don't kiss on the first date?
Let's be perfectly clear: you should only ever kiss someone when, and if, you both want to. If you're not ready on the first date, that isn't bad or wrong — it's how you feel.
If they lean in to try and you like them but don't want to kiss them yet, let them know you had a great time and would love to see them again, but that you prefer taking things more slowly.
If they really like you too, they should be thrilled to know you're vibing and want to go out again.
If they push back or give you a hard time, that could be an important warning sign that this is someone who may not be great about respecting boundaries. Better to know that up front.