The door of my house, which has been silent for all these years

I'd like to say it's on my mind like it was yesterday, but I can't.

I remember many things.

Many beautiful things.

It goes a little against the clock, though what I remember.

Everything happens in slow motion because it's in my eyes.

I miss you so much and this feeling hurts me so much that I cling to life just because of this feeling.

Is not it funny?

Does a person cling to life to feel pity?

Everything was fine with you. I remember your smile. Let the wind run through your hair. The feeling of trust that fills me when you're with me. As if with you, anything in the world was possible.

In fact, we had planned this trip for a long time. We talked many times and talked about where we were going. We spent years talking about the taste of hitting the road. Until that day.

The door of my house, which had been silent for all these years, was knocked as if inviting me to a glorious and exciting journey. The doorbell was not enough for your excitement, it was obvious that you were both ringing the bell and kicking the door excitedly. How I ran out of bed and came to the door, that gap is still not in my memory. When I opened the door, I saw his face. All the rush inside me gave way to sweet joy. Seeing you has always been like that for me.

"We're leaving right now," you said.

Before I could even say where, you silenced me.

“Now,” you repeated.

“We will not wait any longer, our dream is waiting for us. Just take your bag with you, let's go," you said.

Just a long t-shirt on, you looked at me and smiled.

You said, "Okay, just put on some clothes, but you only have fifteen seconds so you know."

After that sentence, I remember putting on a pair of trousers, quickly picking up my bag, and walking out the door.

Then the roads and you. Days, nights, hours that never mattered. We are just us.

I remember many things, but everything is slow motion. Your hair, your smile, your hands. Everything passes before my eyes, but I cannot see a single face. You just don't have eyes in my memory, I don't know why.

Actually, maybe I do. I just can't admit it to myself.

If your eyes are worth it, I can't stand my eyes this time and I'll kill myself.

Even though I knew something was wrong, I didn't ask you. Just being with you and thinking that everything is too good to be is forgetting that feeling that gnaws at me inside.

I remember saying to myself, "If you're going to take my life, my God, may it be at the end of this road".

Turns out God had other plans...

I understand now that you had other plans too, I was the only one who didn't know.

In the place where we set up our first camp, while watching the first sunset;

You said, "I will never forget this moment, it will stay with me even if I die."

I'm wondering if you stayed, if you took anything from me with you. I live every moment, over and over again. I don't have any other memories in my memory, I bury them all in the dark. Your hair, your hands, your laughter all pass through my eyes as slowly as possible.

There is also a song, of course, in my ears. Our road song is the song we listen to many times. I can't quite see a single face. I don't have the courage to look into your eyes if I do.

Do not hold on to human pain and say whether it will survive. I can't find any other meaning after you.

It's an unfolding journey. Turns out it was for farewell. That goodbye will stick to my skin forever. I can't even be mad at you for giving me the best goodbye in my life. So many memories etched into my memory. So many landscapes that defy time.

You don't have only eyes… I just can't remember them.

If I look into your eyes, I can't stand it, I can't keep myself away from you, I know.

Is not it funny. I can't even be considered living without you. I have a ton of memories taken in one slow motion. I remember every moment of it over and over and hold on to life. I want to come to you, believe me, but I'm afraid. What if you're not where I'm going.

But.

I know that this fear will not hold me back too long and I will look into your eyes with longing for you. Those eyes that I burn with longing.

Please wait for me at that place where we watched that first sunset again.

Now I will play our song once again.

I will watch all the memories once again.

Every fear has an end. I know my end now.