I recognized my paradoxical self

Do you hear my voice?

I can hear myself well now!

Yes... Please, with your permission...

Let me take a breath first... Well, well...!

From the very beginning, it was always you who went!

Most of the time you would go first, and I would follow; Just like on that September evening, and months later, when he said "you should come now", I followed you without hesitation!

In fact, we were like links in a chain. We couldn't break up. We could not be broken; otherwise we would lose our function, wouldn't we? But, nevertheless, you left. You loved it, for some reason they go! I didn't know what it meant before. We were very young then: I learned slowly, painfully.

I must admit that getting to know you was quite painful, but I still couldn't stop getting to know you; because you were very decent, interesting, intelligent, sensitive, mysterious, curious; You were a beautiful person and attracted me like a magnet.

I got to know you as I lived with you; his habits, his reflexes, his character. You were like a fire and sparks around you. However, I wanted to swim. We were like two sides of a coin. As I learned these contrasts, my smiles decreased. My eyebrows are furrowed. My speaking tongues were silenced. The light in my eyes gave way to meaningless darkness. For a long time, the mist on the bases of my eyes did not dry at all.

Yes, after all, your eyes, looking for ways to go, betrayed itself. In fact, maybe your eyes always wanted to go like your feet, but I couldn't understand. Anyway! After a while, when I took for granted that I couldn't stop you, it was too late: Even if I got ahead of you; If I built barricades from the wall, you would go. Because staying was bothering you. Especially long stays were suffocating you. Your soul was like night and day. Back then, your mother always said, "No, no, his spirit shrinks quickly". I realized, albeit late, that the woman was right.

Here, in this process, I learned about their feet leading to our outer door. Those feet that went back and forth to that door had turned into dinosaur feet in my eyes. They left an indelible mark where they were printed. Even the mop in my hand has lost its function.

I said, that's how I understood what leaving is; You took the sounds with you as you slowly made your way. Over time, jokes and laughter became scarce.

You know, the whistle you used to fix the faucet, or while you were making a salad with the boiling food on the stove, became inaudible.

Especially those rustling of newspapers that break the silence of the morning; shy and regular melody while turning the pages of the books; I would like to tell you how I miss the sound of the cigarette lighter and the classical music heard softly in the background. All this is gone, gone with you!

When it turned into a deserted cemetery, do you understand me? At that time, I could not explain the flutter of my aching heart, neither to you nor to anyone else. There was no one to tell anyway. Therefore, my screams were also silent, my arms were almost handcuffed.

Of course,others cannot know, but I tried many times to stop you. My solemn eyes, my quieter voice; Every cell in my brain, the strands of my hair, my hands and fingers are my witnesses. Even when you said to me, "You threw the bridges", you left.

Your soul was like a wild panther that didn't want to be caged, and you were incapable of taming. However, you were too soft-hearted to want to crush even an ant with your feet. That's why I had a hard time understanding how she was able to let go of my "bittersweet". I was offended, angry and believe me, I missed you a lot!

"Well, since you're gone, be happy", I told you, remember? So why couldn't you? O, why is your Cohenian voice increasingly muffled? You had great self-confidence! It seems to me that you thought of returning; but you couldn't dare to say it because of your pride on the peaks.

You know, I don't have a God that I worship. If he had, maybe I would have asked for help from him, or I would have said "this was my destiny" and would have sat in my seat. do you remember? This was one of the areas where we never contradicted you. Instead of deceiving ourselves, we turned to what is concrete, lived, felt and seen. We believed in science. “The rest is a big, well-constructed fabrication. You used to say that it is to put the innocent people of this world to sleep.

If you are aware, the world of belief has been going through a great earthquake for a long time. The polarizations got as deep as they could get. Primitive zombies, who try to darken the world of those who believe in water, fire, air and earth like us, continue to breed. Isn't it painful? However, these four basic elements make this planet livable; giving us life. Otherwise, we'd be poor people hoping they could fish in the desert, wouldn't we?

Yes, where were we?

Here, I finally understood the absence of you.

It took some time, but I finally got it.

Okay, at least if you took the ones that belonged to you: Why did you leave them? So that I can feel God surround me every day? Maybe it wouldn't change much if you took them too! Because odors cannot be destroyed; memories, experiences cannot be erased from memory. Besides, we cannot erase our loved ones from our hearts like we can erase white chalk from a blackboard. When we try to erase them, they become even more severe and deep in our memory. That place is like roses with thorns. Because brain cells have been hijacked; even taken hostage forever. I'm sure it is so!

Do not forget that when I was left in the middle of sadness like a boat and struggling not to drown, I became more aware of the value of being on land. As I tried to navigate towards the shore, the waves that I was caught in strengthened my strength.