I go in search of the heart of the city, which I think is hidden in the side streets. My eyes, which accompanied the determination of the workers who were excavating their covers all night, preferred to stay awake. As soon as the sun was shining, I hit the road too. All the shops are closed, the weight of sleep is laid over the city. There are only a few people, their gazes are always on the cobblestones. Why don't these people walk looking straight ahead? Has the weight of the work been on your shoulders at the first light? There would be a morning coffee on the way ahead. I haven't put a bite in my mouth since yesterday. The sound of my stomach began to turn into an overwhelming melody pouring out from the breath of a master orchestra. Even though I didn't pay any attention while leaving the house, the black dress I wore is suitable for walking around all day. What if I had preferred my shiny evening dress. What would I do then? I smell like bagels and tea. I follow that scent. I sit at one of the empty tables near the entrance. A teenage boy comes right up to me. I order tea and bagels. As I look to my left and right with a sweet smile on my face, I see an old man with his cheeky grin staring at my legs covered by my long dress.
I can't help myself:
"What? What are you looking at?"
“Never… Nowhere…”
“Your eyes have been on my legs since I arrived. I'm dressed in a long dress, what are you trying to see or what did you see, this blatant arrogance?"
He can't answer, he just looks around with a smug grin. The teenage boy intervenes and takes the man out of the coffee shop. The boy is talking for a long time outside. The man doesn't seem to understand much. He's just staring. The boy who came back soon:
“Sister, I apologize to you. Please don't be offended. This man is unemployed, he comes every day and makes people uneasy. Don't even ask if the woman has come! I'll make you a coffee. Let's have some treats."
I take a sip of coffee. Smells and tastes different to me. It brings me to myself, it puts a compassionate understanding towards people in my heart.
"Health to your hands. Very good coffee. How old are you?"
“Sixteen sisters.”
“So are you reading? Where is the owner of this place?”
“I am studying, sister, I am going to high school. The owner becomes my uncle. He is at home, sleeping now. No, sister, why did you ask?"
“Nothing dear, just like that.”
I pay the bill and walk down the slope to the beach. The gentle touches of the wind tickle my shoulders. Slowly, people are starting to take to the streets. Those who go to work, those who go for a walk, those who go without knowing where they are going like me… I start to watch the men and women taking a walk along the beach. Excess weight, sugar, blood pressure, staying young or doing sports just to have done sports… I have never done sports at any stage of my life. I couldn't, or rather, I couldn't continue. That's why, one of the parts of the heart of the city, maybe these are people who show the determination to continue doing something.
I feel very mature and knowledgeable walking past a noisy group of teenage girls. They pass by me like a fast-flowing river. The crowd of the beach pulls me into the corridor of the side streets. A slender, medium-sized, pointed-faced young man comes from the opposite direction. After his passing, I see another young man. This is a young man who looks just like the young man before. As I progress, I come across young people who are exactly the same. When I turn into another street, I come across fat, bald and cheesy-tempered men. I wonder how these people manage to look so much alike. Their eyes are similar, their faces, the way they move their mouths, the incongruity of their hands, the way they use words are similar. Although it is not clear at first glance, sometimes, eventually, they meet from somewhere.
Longing in my heart, love in my heart,
An endless word of "desperation" on my lips,
Which is hard to come true in my eyes
There is a dream of happiness.
I woke up to a cold morning with a shiver inside me.
I got out of the bosom of loneliness and fell on the roads with my longing.
All I Felt was the cold penetrating me
and my hands were cold.
Oh, if only he were with me, oh if only he could be!
If he could hold my hands
I wish the heat had worked up to me.
Oh I wish, I wish!
How many wishes I had
But none of them shuddered me that much.
How many misses I have had
None has ever been this deep and powerful.
I am missing,
I miss feeling your presence in your absence!
I'm cold, I'm always cold in his absence!
I'm running away from the neighborhood of similar men. There is a street in front of me where the laundry is hung on long long ropes. I dive without fear, without saying far, near, uncanny. The soap smell permeates me. My hands cannot help but touch the white laundry. I play snatchers between them like a child. A woman looks out from the balcony of the third floor. Just as he opens his mouth to say something, I run away at my fastest. I give my breath from my feet so that it will not be cut off. I feel a slight spin in my head as the sun is getting high. My eyes darken and turn white. I need a place to hold on. It will sit and rest, and it will take my turns for a lifetime. I enter the cafe on my left side, I sit in the most spacious place without seeing it, just feeling it. I order a cold lemonade. I finish in one stitch and say the second. It helps me come back a little bit. I'm surprised at my hunger when I tell him to bring some cookies with him. I know when I forgot to eat for three days. It seems that searching the heart of the city whetted my appetite. As I look around, I see that the walls are adorned with clocks from one end to another. I wonder why they collected so many hours. People have a headache from tick tocks, they can't stop, they get up and go. But on the contrary, it is such a crowd inside. Tables, floors, benches all around us are full of clocks. Clocks constantly remind themselves as if they want to keep the flow of time alive in our minds at every moment.
After watching the clock on my desk melt from the heat and flow to the floor, I get up from this timed cafe. Before leaving, I ask the waiter what time it is.
“As many as you want it to be.” says.
The moment I step onto the pavement, I feel a timeless fatigue. Searching the heart of the city suddenly seems pointless. Maybe it is what I call the heart of the city, whichever street I turn to, whichever crowded streets I wander.
